Question of the Week

What's poetic? (9/21/09)

2009-09-21T23:09:00.001-07:00

What would you tell a 10-year-old about being in love? (8/13/09)

2009-09-14T21:11:00.001-07:00

It's important to always be completely and totally honest in love no matter
what. Always be 100% yourself.

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The heart hurts a lot and this hurt deepens the spirit..it's like eating a lot m and m's and then feeling like you ate too much

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Enjoy it the feelings for they are beautiful.

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U g0t many fish in da sea.

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As soon as you stop looking for it, you find it.
The less you try to figure it out, the more you understand.
It's easier than they say, but not like in the movies.
Let's go climb a tree.

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Take it when and where you can get it 'cos true love doesn't come around all that often.

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Being in love is like being drunk on hormones and feelings. It makes you say and do thing you never have before. Sometimes it affects your judgment and makes you want to do things that might not be safe or smart. And it can stretch your heart in ways that confuse you and scare you, but it also feels so wonderful that you love anyway. But you get too confused or too hurt, you should talk to an adult you can trust. Because real love doesn't mean hurting on purpose. And if you hurt more often than you feel good...that's a really bad sign.

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you should have the V8 instead......

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It's the icing on the cake to a life of service and creativity. It's fun but it can be like a drug and you can abuse it. It's a great feeling but sometimes it turns into something deeper and sometimes it just disappears, and there are steps along the way to insure that it doesn't disappear. OK, maybe the last one was too much for a 10-yr-old, but the wisdom seeps in with repetition.

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True love is not critical or harmful. It is accepting and open to you despite your faults. True love does not require any thing, it is not controlling, needy or possessive: it just is because it is not an exterior fulfillment, it is internal and unlimited. Love because one cannot help but love. Love because it is love the way that they are and feel, and it is an action. One can know one is loved by the action of it. Never settle for less if the action of love is absent. Real love attracts real love...it is opening and it takes many many different forms through out life. It is o.k. to love a person even if they do not love you, because love requires nothing in return. Yet love the self enough to care to put oneself around the experience of others who care and love deeply, truly and openly...these are good partners to form lasting friendships and families with. If you are heart broken from a love that does not return or love fully, do not react to it even though you will. Understand that, your anger will not change that you love, your rage will not empower you to not love, your sadness will not leave you powerless to the person, love is. It is ultimate and it is perfect the way it is and does not require your control over it's mystery and way.

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That it will make you feel crazy. Because no matter what your beloved does, you cannot stop loving them. If you trust your heart to someone who wants to take care of it, you'll be okay. But if you trust your heart to someone who is only watching out for their own, you will be in trouble.

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I'm probably not the best person to tell anyone about being in love. When my heart was broken over a badly-ended relationship, when I was in my mid-twenties, I made an unconscious decision to never let myself get hurt like that again. Consequently, I never fell in love again. I have tried to undo that decision, but to no avail.

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Its nice to be in love, it feels good.

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Wait until you are 35!!

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That it is easy

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to space time with land, wait until the air perfects itself, don't introduce that love to an older man and don't get beyond 16 in years.

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I had two boys and, at 10 years old, the subject never even came close. Besides, their mother and I were separating and being in love was not the operative condition. If a 10 year old child asked me about being in love, which is where I'm assuming this question comes from, I would probably say it's like a really strong friendship and you know it will last a long time, maybe forever. That's the way it started out for me and I still wish it could have ended that way. Oh, well.

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I haven't had much success with romantic love but ... I would say being in love is inspiring and strengthening, yet also requires unselfishness and foresight to give yourself over to another, to accept your lover for who they are - to see them - and to release your ego into something great. And being in love makes you want to face any challenge and to work at it, at life, to sustain that passion.

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Look, kid, I'm seeing your mom and you're just going to have to get used to it.

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And mine...

It's really fun when you go slowly. That way it won't rattle your heart.

How do you help? (8/31/09)

2009-08-31T20:28:00.001-07:00

I help the w0rld bi listenin all dif walkz 0f life. Bein there 4 friendz. sm0kin bud wit ppl.

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I'm a sixth grade teacher here in the city. I think if I typed out all the ways I help it would bore and exhaust everyone including me, as it is kinda sorta a helping profession. suffice it to say, i'm trying my damnedest to bring positive change to the world, one sassy middle school kid at a time.

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I would hope that just listening, offering a shoulder to lean on or simply offering a hand to help would be my contribution.

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I volunteer at St. Luke's Emergency Dept.

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I clear the table and do the dishes.

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lately I feel like I've been on the helpee side of things. today I was grateful for the help that was so generously given to me. I am amazed by the people in my life, some who only know me through shared communities. Today someone reached out and generously gave of his time and expertise to help me through.

In my profession I am the helper. I help by creating a safe space where people can talk through their feelings and know they are being received without judgment.

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by saying hello to strangers with a warm smile
by staying focused on calming and centering myself
by allowing others to be who they are

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H0w d0 i help? It dpen 0n witch way n wh0 im helpin. i d0ne thingz like giv cl0thes 0ff my back, da last 0f my f00d 0r kash 2 s0me1. It dpen 0n wh0 n m

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It dpen 0n wh0, why n my mood.

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Listen first.
Consider the tenets of the Serenity Prayer and take actions as appropriate to that analysis.
Make sure I consider the "end game."
Reapply the Serenity Prayer as needed.

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In a variety of ways:

I listen.

I remind him of all the ways he has showed up.

I bring the lube and the restraints.

And I organize the Food Drive.

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By standing. I have discovered over the years that if you avoid sitting while others are working, you appear to be helping even if you're not actually doing much in the way of work.

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I start each day asking God to help me get out of my way so he can use me to do his work.....

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Listening. I am a "yes" person. I am recovering from that. I have found that I am most helpful when I am not over committed and stressed out. It is best to be completely present to what ever circumstance, action, person or event calls for. Self care is helpful in caring for others. Taking responsibility, being kind, listening fully with intention to the place and needs of others while caring for oneself.

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However I can. Asking for help has always been difficult for me, but I've learned that helping someone else makes me feel good about myself, so I step in when help is requested - to the best of my ability, anyway. Sometimes I ask someone if they need, or would like some, help, and then follow their lead.

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I don't. Every time I try to do anything helpful, act in a positive way, attempt to engage and take anything ahead a step, everything turns to shit: I am the schlamiel AND the schlamazel.

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By consciously wanting to - and trying - at times, whether with sympathy, heart or mind.

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I help moms with strollers get up the subway steps, stop my car to let pedestrians cross when I don’t have to, give rides to old ladies when I see them at the bus stop with groceries…stuff like that. I love it! What I love most, though, is helping my mom care for my dad. She’s so much fun to be with.

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By staying out of the way as much as possible and letting things work themselves out. I try to get involved only when someone asks me specifically. Except, of course, with my kids who think they can do everything without me.

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If you feed me I will do the dishes. I do volunteer work as well as service in recovery. And I learned how to keep my mouth shut.

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And mine...

I listen. I tell the truth as I experience it.

What makes you feel welcome? (8/23/09)

2009-08-23T22:46:00.001-07:00

Hot tea.

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honesty

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A warm smile

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being offered a cup of tea.

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I can see it in a person's eyes.......

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In someone's home: The smell of fresh coffee brewing, open books, couch throws, laughter, furniture meant to put your feet up on, and a little bit of life mess. (Why have we been taught to clean our homes obsessively to the point of sterile before entertaining?)
In a social setting: a warm hug and introductions

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Every day, when I get home from work, the cats are waiting for me. They are the first - and most enthusiastic - to welcome me home.

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Informality.

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It's funny, that one is so simple but these days, sadly, it seems a bit rare. I feel welcome when someone smiles and / or just says hi.

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roses and hellos so long's and ashes.

family always. weddings, often, funerals, sadly apart of.

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a warm smile, bright eyes, happiness to see me

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When I go to my sister's house to visit my nieces, ages two and four. They literally run around in circles screaming with excitement when I arrive. Doesn't get much better than that!

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no judgements
no criticism
good food
good music
humor
nice lightening
cushions

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A warm smile, a good hug or handshake ... introduction to others.

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I feel welcome in a home when I'm "part of the furniture" as they say in France. My host is happy to have me there and I'm not increasing their level of stress.

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when $20 bills float all around me so that i can buy drugs and keep the proper commerce in placce.

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A big wrinkly smile on my friend's face. A nice hot cup of tea.

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A meaningful smile

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A big sincere smile and a warm hug.

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I can't really pinpoint what it is, It's just a certain feeling I get when I meet someone. I don't always get it, but I trust the feeling. It tells me all I need to know about people, and has not failed me yet!

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my sponsor. she always offers me tea and has a cozy couch I can sink into when I talk.

my therapist. just having a space that's all about me, and a box of tissue.

when someone listens, and doesn't wait to talk. when they give me space to talk things through outloud in my own rambling tangential way.

when someone puts fresh sheets on the bed for me.

when my mom buys groceries that I like when I come to visit

when someone opens the door, smiles, and hugs me and tells me how glad they are to see me

when someone says thank you, and means it.

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When people write back to me and share their feelings with me

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A smile

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Big hugs.

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Unless a situation is especially effusive in affection or conversely agitation, I would generally say it mainly depends on how I feel on any given moment.

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Mostly, I guess, recognition. Someone who knows more than just casually and has accepted my existence without prejudice or expectation. Kids are good for that, old friends, really old friends whom I don't see as often, even proprietors of establishments that I have frequented over a long period of time - my dentist is one such person - and we've become friends over the years. I wish the same could be said about my ex-wife with whom I still share custody of two teenagers, but it just may not be in the cards... too much tension there.

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My ex-girlfriend used to wait for me as I climbed the stairs. She'd smile and do a little jig -- every time -- right till the end.

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And mine...

When my sister or brother in law answers the door and they greet me with a hug and a smile. When my niece greets me at the door with a jiggling "Aunt Joce is here" happy dance. A sincere smile.

When he tells me how great I look. 'Course that makes me feel LOTS of things...

What gives you butterflies? (8/16/09)

2009-08-17T21:47:00.001-07:00

Feelin s0me1 warm energy.

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This guy that I have a crush on......;) (sigh)

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performing on stage, doing something I don't want to do

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Not much lately. It's usually a phenomena I only experience at the start of a relationship.

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Cliffs, the views from the top of the tall buildings, asking for a first date, and stepping on stage to perform in front of an audience.

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A telephone call from my ex-wife (bad butterflies).
A very nice sexy-looking lady (good butterflies).

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I'm 55 years old. I stopped getting butterflies when I was about 26. I really don't think I'm missing out on anything, either.

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Public speaking...that moment right before I am going to teach a class...

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[my son] says: before soccer game, briefly

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Talking to a crush.

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Being around my teacher. Relating to someone I'm attracted to. The dharma.

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My cacoons made of fear! Something beautiful always surprises me when the fear cacoons finally open and I get to see something really cool come out of them.

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How do you tell someone you love them?
It seems quite easy really; you simply
stand before the beloved, and
become transparent to the moment,
open your mouth and exhale your soul.

Three little words, a perfect equation:
you and I conjoined by a verb.
Three little words and you would think
they could seed vast golden fields
for one with the special gift for words.

But for some they are like the burdens
of the damned in Tartarus, those words.

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Well there are good butterflies and bad butterlies (moths maybe, hee hee). The good butterflies: going on the upswing of a roller coaster, talking about getting married, starting my doctoral program, the scientist meetings for my Fellowship.
Moths: school bills, hurricane season is upon us ( I live in New Orleans), WTF to do with my 401K, niece walking home from school for the first time without an adult (she'll be with a friend, but two 9 year olds do not equal one capable adult brain or physical strength), my boyfriend's back and hip pain.

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Lately it's thinking about primitive yet sensual sex like being worshiped and dominated in the same breath down sucking and fucking with a fixated intensity on souls: lending itself to nearly obsessive but not impulsive intimacy. and then also kissing innocently. which also makes me nostalgic, dammit.

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Fear and excitement. My body has the same chemical reaction to both of those emotions, although excitement has a much happier slant to it than fear does.

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girls!

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Performing in front of a crowd, still.
Talking to a woman whom I find attractive, still - in my 50s.

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When we're laying in bed at 5 AM telling each other stories and I think of how lucky I am to get to see him at his most comfortable, most open times. When I realize that this frustrating, young guy may be the one for me even if we're not at that point where we are right for each other. The thought that someday we'll know who the other is, and look at each other and smile in a bed that belongs to both of us.

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men

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my girlfriend. every time I look at her I feel all shy and get butterflies in my tummy.

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Caterpillars, silly!

Tummy butterflies hatch from excitement of performing before a large audience, job interviews for jobs I actually want, skiing new terrain or under harsh conditions (icy, for instance). I've had butterflies for hours skiing ungroomed steeps. Experience is the best cure for butterflies, but I rather enjoy having them now and again.

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The beginning of a new chapter in life...

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knowing that someday in the future i have to return to my distant wife renewed and fall in love again holding a secret that we had to keep from everyone so that the love we fall into Works. something like that. and knowing about what life with kids will be like without the constancy of authority.

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A few things come to mind ...

A first date/approaching a cute/hot woman.

A job interview.

Getting feedback on my writing.

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Momma and Poppa Butterfly.

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And mine...

Dating
Diarrhea
Roller coasters

If you've ever seen a dead body in person, what was your reaction? (8/9/09)

2009-08-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Bummed.

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Right away my own mortality became evident. I was no longer the youth immortal. Things that were once thrilling became pointless: homework and math were always pointless but popularity and school dances or activites seemed pointless, too. I wrote poems, plays and short stories about this death, became a bit obsessed with death...not like a goth but like that neurotic Woody Allen...I even had an older friend who reminded me a lot of Woody Allen, who was an official professional writer and he would get stoned as he wrote and we would talk about life or lack of life together until one day he turned to me and reccomended therapy (some thing he would never usually recommend.) My twenties progressed, (survived my teens some how) more people passed along as we all will, I looked at my inevitability and decided that the answer was some where in the "tropic's of cancer" which basically meant, be as lushy as one can, drink as much wine eat decadent food and fall in love often...but then I got lost on that road and ended up very confused so I do not recommend desire as an answer to end. It's boring and more people tend to die around an experience junkie then the company kept in say, a yoga class. (mental note for reference in passing relationships in addition.) So running was not the answer to death or even big changes. Near mid twenties. Acceptance. I hate to be a quoter but Tom Robbins just captures it brilliantly in his novel: "fierce invalids home from hot climates": "Accept that your a pimple on the ass end of creation," (which if the world keeps destroying the earth face it folks, we are, we are.) but my favorite quote is by Echart Tolle, and he says this: (and I follow my heroes on how to handle death these days since god knows my best thinking get's me closer to it then I would like to admit) "I am not clairvoyant but I can tell you that all of you will be walking around for a few more years and then you will be dead." So enjoy life accepting endings and death by appreciating it with gratitude, humble acceptance because it is all apart of nature, it is all what is and the moment we see a dead body and think that that is not apart of our reading rainbow conditioning, fuck it. it comes with the world people. It is every where and of us: love and loss. I've seen dead bodies. Nothing like seeing a person walking around dead inside for fear of end.

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It was my lack of reaction. It wasn't as scarey or as upsetting as I thought it would be......

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Sadness.

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I actually saw a number of dead bodies on Saturday. It was pretty neat.

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I've seen a good number, both laid out on purpose or suddenly there, and have had many reactions. Now I see a corpse as an empty vessel from which the magic has dissipated and wish more people would allow the harvesting of their own.

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It was a little glimpse into the emptiness of everything. At one time that body was totally animated, living a life filled with activities, loved ones, emotions, the pain and joy of experiencing life, and now it's... nothing. Sad for the life it lived, but also, whatever animated that body is just no longer there. It just is what it is. Same with anything else we experience - whatever we put into it is what animates it. So without whatever anger or depression or grasping we experience in a situation, it just is what it is. Trippy.

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When my mother passed, I noticed that her fear and anxiety were no longer expressed in her face. She was free at last from her torturer. I felt such a sense of relief myself.

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Bye Mom.

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Yes. a few timez. everythng frm sexaul thngz kind fresh n 0ld az durt 2 cleanin at nursein h0me.

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In African-American Culture open casket funerals are the norm so growing up whenever we went to a funeral we had to do the whole "viewing of the body" thing. The first time I think it was my great uncle's funeral. i remember noting that it looked like a slightly grayer, slack-cheeked, waxy version of himself.
Last year when a younger very close friend of mine died they had decided on an open casket. His mom called me the moring of and told me that she really didn't want to have the casket open at all. She warned me to brace myself because he didn't look like the handsome man that he was at all. I decided not to do the viewing thing because it was too hard. I caught a glimpse before they closed the casket. I'm still sorry I looked.

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My mother and I had been keeping watch over my father in the hospital for days. I wanted to make sure that he was not alone when he died, but with just the two of us taking regular shifts it was hard to make sure there was someone with him round the clock.

He left one morning on Mother's Day at around six a.m. when no one was there. I drove over to Calvary in the Bronx at around eight o'clock. When I entered the room it was obvious that he was already long gone, there was clearly no longer any spirit residing in that body. But I was surprised at how beautiful he looked, and how strange and different his body was with no life in it. His eyes were closed and his face was frozen in whatever that last moment had been for him. There was something seemed strong and regal about the body in that bed. There was a profound sense of stillness. This vessel that had served him reasonably well for most of his sixty-three years looked like some beautiful shell that had been left behind; an elaborate cocoon, or some alien spaceship he had been driving around in, now abandoned since it was no longer needed. The sight of it filled me with awe and felt sacred.

The funeral home talked us into embalming him, which in retrospect was a silly thing to do for a closed casket funeral. At the service my mother and I viewed his body one last time. His face was caked up in an effort to make him seem more familiar to us, but it looked pointlessly artificial. He was wearing a fine suit I had never remembered seeing him in, but his body looked small and crumpled in the casket. They had gone to great lengths to make him appear as if he was still just like us, but the result only served to confuse. What I had previously seen that morning in the hospital bed had told me he that he was truly departed, and that something mysterious, natural and maybe even wonderful had happened. Remembering the beauty of that unaltered body brings me far more comfort today.

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Devastation. He was a senior in my high school and died in a car accident. It was an open casket. I regretted looking at him because I wanted to remember him as vibrant...his body looked nothing like him...

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I used to work in an emergency room, and my mother was a hospice nurse when I was growing up, and I work a lot with sick/dying animals, so I have seen more than my fair share of dead beings. One thing that always strikes me is how limp they are (at first), how like a deflated balloon. It's like life is almost literally what inflates them. The second thing is what a shell the physical body is. It really is just a container for the soul. To me, the body doesn't even look the same after death, it's just a husk.

I know it sounds weird, but I always feel a sense of relief - most of the dead creatures/humans I see were suffering very much before they passed, and I feel this relief that they don't have to be in physical pain anymore. I feel very compassionate towards the dead, and I hope that after leaving their bodies they are off to a more wonderful adventure. The physical remains don't distress me, it's just what's left behind. Discarded luggage not needed on the trip of a lifetime.

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Deep sadness. I was in my 20s when I saw my grandmother in her casket, and in my 60s when I saw my mother prior to her cremation. It was difficult losing both of these women who had such influence in my life. My grandmother looked healthier than she had in a long time due to the cosmetics work done by the mortuary. My mother looked much more "normal" because she was not made-up prior to being cremated (she seldom wore make-up). I realized in both cases that what made these women who they were was no longer there with them. Their bodies were empty shells.

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Post Mortem, September 12th 2003

Skin gone cold and white goes smooth.
That surprised me, how smooth it became.
What had been creased with ruts of time
became smooth as highly polished stone,
almost translucent, but where blood pooled.
The nature of water, this guise of gravity:
on hip and shoulder, elbow and knee bruises
blossomed like tentacles of purple anemone.
And the skin became as frigid as alabaster,
but not so rigid, even after rigor, that age
long before the flesh drips from the bone.
Never I had been this close to death before.
Never before had I held it by its new glove
and called it by the name of one I loved.

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'then why did you ask?'

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I've seen too many dead bodies to count. My first one would have been my grandmother in her coffin. I was pretty shocked and numb when I saw her. The next was a woman's body that was being used for a human dissection class. That one was much more disturbing. I remember dissecting her hands and examining the tendons in there, then going home and freaking out in the shower, thinking about what lies beneath my skin as I ran the washcloth over my arms. I didn't like how disturbed I felt, so I stopped going to the class. Now, when I see dead bodies (that I'm no longer dissecting), I feel a certain deep inner peace simultaneously to feeling just a wee bit spooked.

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peace, because in this case the end had been peaceful, i was in the room for her last breath, and she was ready, at 80, to move on.

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First dead body I saw (besides in a casket) was my mom. I was 23, she was 46. She had a massive stroke that in a few days left her brain dead. I sat with her when the respirator was turned off and watched her body stop functioning. She was already dead in every other way. Witness that process, that it was clear her spirit had already left and the machines were just sustaining a sack of tissue. I was stunned that there was no sign of struggle. I was sad that I missed seeing her spirit released from this world.

Since then, most of the bodies I have seen were through my work in law enforcement. I took a death investigation course with the county coroner. My main reaction was clinical detachment with a small degree of horror at what a body can be put through. I don't believe life begins or ends with a sack of tissue. That spirit/energy comes from and is released to the Universe and made into somthing else. So, I guess my reaction to seeing death was to free me of the fear of it.

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And mine...

Father: Same things I felt when he was alive.

Person dead on the side of the road last Sunday when I was riding my bike home: Deep grief. I got off my bike to pray for him, but I was really praying for me.

How do you know when you've had enough? (8/2/09)

2009-08-17T21:44:00.001-07:00

The body tells me....." Turn off the computer and go to BED! " or
"No more sugar. feed me vegetables!"
"I need a bath now?"

or my emotions let me know: the floodgates open and the tears come rushing out!

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Vomit.

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I don't want anymore.

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When the supposedly closest person to you hits road and cops out.

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When my pants get to tight, when my blood pressure is through the roof, when I am in so much pain I have to do something different.........

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My guts tell me .... and the decision that enough is enough ... is clear and easy.

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Sadly, only when I am totally fu**ing miserable.

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My body usually tells me when. In ALL situations.

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Good question, it's sudden and unambiguous, usually after an extended internal struggle: that's it, kaputzky.

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when I stop

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When the pain outweighs the benefits

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When I start to cry in frustration.

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i start to become more and more irriated, resentful, and angry at my partner. i become less able to control my temper and i start to verbally lash out and critisize the other person. when my behavior beccomes this way, caustic and biting, i feel so much shame and sadness i realize the relationship can't continue. when i start acting in a way where i can't respect myself, i realize im no longer in a healthy place in my relationship and that ive had enough.

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when and enough and how tell you.
when says'do you'
how says 'don't'
and you say 'fuck, what am i doing with this? why do these people not, as are, come to my placce and discuss this out loud?
that, major dumbness, and dr. realtio will be there with me.
i can't ever have enough again.
'there are No More Authoorities Aloowed in My Mind'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
have you heard the 'evil one' who says that all are gay and yet, can't say?
(7ej2vl) x (7ej2vl)

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You may never know if you keep going back for more.

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OK> truthfully, I never do know. Life tells me for me.

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Sparks start flying out of my ears. Or that's what my friends tell me.

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When I start to throw up on the otherwise beautiful streets of life, thinking it really will be my fault if I continue with my present course of action.

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I walk into walls.

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Oh I'm the wrong person to ask. I can take a lot, usually of things that are bad for me.

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Either my brain stops functioning (this happens when I've worked too long at something), or my body rebels (as when I eat too much sugar). Sometimes I ignore the signs from my body and end up with a chocolate hang-over (which is just as painful as a regular hang-over).

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I know when I get the feeling of insincerity, and a very sharp pain in the back of my head saying, "THAT'S IT!!!"

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Excess usually has its telltale signs.

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I've had enough.

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My stomach is my Geiger counter of enough...food, aggravation, worry, obsession, heartache.

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Every time i think i've had enough her hand reaches in, grabs my heart and squeezes, wringing another ocean of pain and remorse from it. So it doesn't seem to be a matter of me deciding when enough is enough, of how long my penance has to last.

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The Hagen Daz container is empty.

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And mine...

I can't stop crying.
I realize my shoulders are up around my ears.
I am bleary-eyed.
Someone calls red.
I can't let anyone touch me.
The food bowl is empty.

How do you grieve? (7/26/09)

2009-08-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

I rage. I sob. I write poems of the Wounded God. I used to be quiet. I will never be silent again.

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Sad songs and a box of kleenex

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I stuff down the emotion of sadness and then let it come out in anger/control somewhere else that is usually sort of inappropriate for that situation. I got my dad's death stuffed down there so far, its coming out all over the place, but usually when I drive or deal with big institutions.

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I cry a lot. I write letters that will never be sent. I write poetry. I think too much about what I could have done differently, but that usually doesn't get me any where. I talk, sometimes to the right people, sometimes to the wrong people. I blunder my way through the pain until I wake up one day and its not the first thing I think about. Having been through the process many times now, I recognize the odd fact that this too will fade into the past as the rest of life ambles along relentlessly, requiring more and more of my attention. The grief eventually gets less and less attention. Then it is residual in the form of a photograph or a song or a faint, lingering, familiar and pleasant odor left on a garment or the memory of a purchase together or the color of a gift that was given. And then the grief is gone and these things are just things and, in a way - gratefully, nothing more. Memories fade and life swells, requiring that you move on. Well, its never easy or quick, but pretty much follows that path for me.

If I may say: It is somehow very precious to grieve, to have your heart be so incredibly broken. The thoughts and feelings during grief eventually become bare-bones honest and some of the most meaningful you might ever experience. Embrace it and learn from it. Don't worry, the numbing facts of reality will slip back into your life quick enough, so don't rush the process.

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my best friend from childhood and teens' Dad just passed away.... I did my run to the beach as usual , but this time took a break and cried. Straightforward and age-old way to grieve.

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by talking to my close friends. by sleeping. a lot. by crying. a lot. it helps to accept it and then let it all out. it makes it easier to let go

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slowly........painfully.......with help from loved ones......

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Internally--unfortunately for me. I often wish I weren't so afraid of crying and otherwise letting my grief express itself outwardly.

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Depends on what the loss is. As an empty-nester mom, I grieve the loss of a close bond with my sons through awareness and acceptance. I am sad sometimes. I even allow a glint of bitterness here and there, and then I move ahead in my own life. The death of my dog, I cried almost unconsolably, off and on, for 3 days. And then allowed myself to miss her. Three years later, I just now got a puppy and wonder often WTF was I thinking. So, I try to feel emotions appropriate to the loss and avoid "replacements" until a suitable time has passed. I replaced my sons with dating and ended up with a new husband. Some losses are much more cut and dried. Parents are dead. Dog is dead. Not much you can do about that. I think part of daily living is to touch upon the grief of changes that engender loss.

I am strengthened by the Native American approach of acknowledging the connectedness of all things and the beauty and reality of ever present cycles (nature, seasons, birth/death, sunrise/sunset, inhale/exhale, plant/harvest, conception/birth.) I try to not avoid grieving over much things which have had their full "season" and have more sadness for those thing that are interrupted. Then I accept that that, too, is part of the cycle. I do not feed myself the soft comfort foods of denial and magical thinking.

We were driving past a large and impressive cemetery a few weeks ago. My 4 yr. old grandson piped up from the back seat, "Gramma, is that heaven?"

"No, Hunter. That place is called a cemetery." And I offer a brief explanation of the purpose they serve.

"But it has to be heaven, Gramma, because that where you go when you die. And when you die, you go to heaven."

I got the chance to explain to him that heaven is just what some people believe. There are other people, like me, who believe that when you die your life energy is just freed into the world. Since everything dies eventually, the energy just keeps moving. Death is naturual and how it is supposed to be. He was 100% calm and cool about that. He didn't freak out to learn that dying HAPPENS. I didn't need to feed him another Santa Clause scheme to protect him from reality. We talked about being sad for awhile when I die and when poppy dies and his dog dies. And, it was like...ok. Can we go to the beach.

My mottos: No boxes for me. Death is not a failure. Go with the flow. No false platitudes. Acceptance.

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Very physically. My lupus flares up, I have seizures. When my oldest friend killed himself a few years ago I was in bed for months and in horrible pain. I was slapped and screamed at every time I cried as a child, so I have come to hide all outward manifestations of grief, and instead they literally become physical. It's something I've never been able to work through.

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In my own way and time, just like everyone else.

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The biggest loss in my life in terms of death was my Aunt Kattie, my godmother, who died 18 years ago. She was a glamour gal who came of age in the ‘40s, and was such a character. Not once in her life did she sit in the sun or wear pants. And wherever she went, she always wore her Jackie O sunglasses (that she got in Rite-Aid).

I suppose I’ve never stopped grieving for her. When we cleared out her house, I took a lot of her over-the-top decorations, like a frilly mirror and this pixie sculpture that protrudes from the wall. You’d really have to see it to believe it.

How I miss her.

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Depends on who it is for. This last week brought out a lot of old connections and a get-together for me with other grieving former students of our beloved teacher, Frank McCourt. We sang the songs and told the stories he taught us, and we told stories of our own.

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Interesting you ask. We are nearing the anniversary of the death of a friend who had died quite unexpectantly last year. How did I grieve. I was pretty much usless and in shock, then extremely horny for some reason! I guess its the body's way of dulling the pain. I slept at odd hours, cried, got mad, and surrounded myself only with close friends. It was weird though, some people I didn't want to see at all, some people I couldn't see enough of, most of the time I didn't want to pick up the phone. I think once we loose someone very close, without warrant or reason, a part of us never stops grieving.

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The old classics: crying, writing, eulogizing, and blessing whatever I
learned from the loss, whether it's a death, a breakup, leaving a job,
leaving a home, etc. And I have experienced all of these recently, so
I can say with some assurance that the old classics still work.

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Isolate, spend, eat, sleep, and occasionally share my experiences.

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I've been masturbating a lot. But I think that has more to do with what I'm grieving.

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With tears and gentleness.
I also use my healing modality to open me to the grief when I can't get to it alone.

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Privately

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being kind to myself by nurturing and caring for my body and getting plenty of sleep. taking luxurious alone time. crying as much as i need to. doing buddhist practices, continuing to move forward and never shutting down.

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Behind closed doors when I can.

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By escaping. When my dad died, my brothers and I were devastated. On the day of his funeral, we went go-karting afterward (which my father would have loved, had he known about it). When I had a miscarriage, my husband and I decided to leave town for a few days, not tell anyone, and spend the time at Disneyland. I don't know that any of this eased the pain I was experiencing, but it did allow me to spend those difficult times with loved ones who were also grieving for the same loss, in a non-destructive way.

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With tears, acceptance, honesty and positivity. I do not isolate. It is so important to not let any outcome or event or difference effect or take away one's ability to love and be open to life. In the movie, "under the Tuscan sun" a character describes it as: "never lose your childhood innocence." and what I think she means by that, is: grieve yes. Grieve with the experiences of our lives and yet, do not let those experiences so harden us that we are defined by our grieving and not available to happiness and life.

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Avoidance. Then for realz I cry, scream (esp if in a car alone on the freeway for example), get angry, journal, watching movies, crying some more, prayer. I ought to add meditation to that formula, too...

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I grieve loud and long and wet. Then I go to the AIDS Memorial Grove and sit in the curved circle and read the names of all the people who were loved and who died and who are remembered. Then I walk through the park and weep some more. Sooner or later I wind up at the beach in Half Moon Bay and begin making my peace with God. Eventually I do formalized sitting and grief work at the Zen Hospice Project on Paige at Laguna. For my father, I planted a tree. I love to go there and spend time with him.

??

I try to do it quickly and to myself, as to help others grieve.

??

silence
pawing at distractions
wandering
delaying the feeling like searching
for
misplaced glasses

??

Deeply and long. I often wear my grief for the world to see; my emotions are usually evident to anyone with working eyes.

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Not very well, in my own estimation. But if I've learned anything at all about grieving, it's this:

Leave space for feelings to come up and don't be disappointed, or judge yoursef, if they fail to appear on schedule. The process will unfold in accordance with a logic that might not seem to make sense. Trying to push it or hold it back simply won't work.

??

The classic psychology of Kubler-Ross describes the 5 stages of grief:
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
(See; "All That Jazz", or The Simpson's episode "One Fish, Two Fish, Blow-Fish, Blue Fish")
It seems that I personally tend to follow:
Denial, Anger, Depression, Denial
(I guess I should work on that)

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i watch people watch me grieve and wait for my experience of the 'grievance' to meet their apparent demand. on an internet that can also, with some payment, give yopu a child getting his head cut off. (probably too strong to the www)
oh, also on the www.grivethatheadofhis.com

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I sob upon hearing certain songs -- some country weepers, a few by Otis Redding, several Brian Wilson aching falsetto numbers. They open the flood gates of the lost childhood, the ex-girlfriend who won't/can't love me anymore, the terrible sadness of this wicked orb. In a way 20 years of therapy never quite could.

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And mine...

Fully.

What is an example of your self-awareness? (7/6/09)

2009-08-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

pubic masturbation as a way of chasing down rape and securing for those who want to offer their two balls to a proper authority.

??

The way I second-guess myself all the frickin' time...

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When awakening on many mornings, I'll lay there and think about where I am in life, and do my best to assure myself I am headed in a good direction for me ... that I am doing what makes me happy. Happy is important at this stage of my life!

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Being able to feel. Being able to recognize what I feel. Being able to respond appropriately to those identified feelings. Allowing myself to cry when I am deeply hurt as I did when I was a child.

??

i say to myself, "thinking," and return to noticing my breath.

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"please"
"thank you"
"excuse me"
"no"
"yes"

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Being aware of others.

By the way folks: no one quoted Bob Dylan on the last question. Under honor code I feel obligated to add the following lyrics which seem to be true no matter where I am at in life and by themselves stand larger then life tereby addressing the present topical question:

"the time's are a changin' "

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A mild example: no matter how tight my budget is, I still buy myself frozen dinners to have when I don't feel like cooking. Cuz I know there will be those days, and I'd rather just accept my occasional laziness than struggle with it.

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I can tell stories about myself and how my deep-seated anger erupts at inconvenient times. I normally pull my own covers like this in AA meetings - and forums such as this one.

??

I wake myself up when I snore.

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Watching and listening to my parents and realizing the things i do and feel that are a direct reaction or adaptation of their words and actions

??

I recognize myself in the mirror.

??

saying I'm sorry after fucking up yet again

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Jeepers...I don't quite know how to answer this one.

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I don't have a job or a lot of money but I donate regularly to charities & worthy causes - on the outside it may appear to be naive and/or a bit self-debilitating but I think it's the principled thing to do.

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The fact that when hear an inside voice I can now identify which head is speaking.

??

I'm always super-conscious about the way I speak, look and act -- too much so, I believe.
Self awareness is not a quality for me it's more like a curse. That's probably why I am drawn so
strongly to zen teachings that encourage me to be less aware of myself as a single entity and
more sensitive to my place as part of a larger force in the universe of non-existence.

??

Zippin' the lip.

??

Remembering that all beings suffer...including my sister-in-law who drips diamonds and drives an Audi and has a personal trainer. I must remember, I must remember, I must remember.

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And mine...

I cough into my arm not my hand.

Please share your favorite song lyric(s). (6/28/09)

2009-08-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

i caught a glimpse now it haunts me.

??

"cherish the day, I won't be afraid, show me how deep your love is...."

??

"The Future Will Blow Your Mind" —Simon Stinger/Fans of Jimmy Century

??

you always hurt the one you love

from 'Always Dreaming (Wide Awake)' by Red Lorry Yellow Lorry

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I wouldn't even pretend to say I have a favorite song. My favorite song of the moment is the one that seems to coincide with the many facets and emotions gleaming in a given instant of my life. I will supply a set of lyrics that I find timeless and universal. (Besides my favorite song lyrics are for the songs I've written.)

Find the cost of freedom
Buried in the ground.
Mother earth will swallow you,
Lay your body down...

??

gabba gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba hey!

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Dire Straits ... Water of Love:
"Water of love deep in the ground
But there ain't no water here to be found
Some day baby when the river runs free
It'll carry that water of love to me"

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You are not alone-Michael Jackson

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And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm-a coming back again...

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Cucuroo carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love is
Ready to attack

-- "Dog Breath, in the Year of the Plague" from the album Uncle Meat by the Mothers of Invention

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Starry-eyed and laughing as I recall when we were caught
Trapped by no track of hours for they hanged suspended
As we listened one last time and we watched with one last look
Spellbound and swallowed 'til the tolling ended
Tolling for the aching ones whose wounds cannot be nursed
For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones and worse
And for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe
We gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.

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oh Mystery, you are alive...i feel you all around...you are the fire in my heart...you are the holy sound...you are all of life, and it is to you that i sing...grant that i may feel You always and in everything.

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Blues Traveler
"Just Wait"

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

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So ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything -
That's how the light gets in.
---- Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"

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I'm so glad that he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
'Gonna keep on tryin
'Till I reach my highest ground...

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"I took one look at you,
That's all I meant to do,
and then my heart stood still........"

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This moment awake to the innate. Unruly gods and demons may emerge, but illusion and confusion do not follow. Through love and compassion, mindstream must evolve.
-Chod

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Messy Marv on the Prices on my head thug money on your family mix tape ....." I smoke so much weed I don't even get high / I eat a lil pussy bitch I can't even lie / I came up in the hood selling caviar / You said you had a boyfriend why you jump in my car ? / I hope you got some money bitch your house hella far.."

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here are so many amazing lyrics out there, it's hard to decide which lyrics to choose. So, instead of choosing the lyrics first, I chose the song first. My favorite song is The Star Spangled Banner, which was originally a poem entitled Defense of Fort McHenry written in 1814 by 35 year young Francis Scott Key after he witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry in 1812. Set to a British drinking song, the 1st stanza is the only one that is commonly sung, with the 4th (and final) stanza added for formal occasions. It wouldn't become the National Anthem until March 3, 1931, signed into law by President Herbert Hoover.

Okay, now the lyrics, the final lines of the final stanza:

"And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!"

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There ain't no hiding place from the father of creation

??

I don't have a favorite anything other than my favorite wife and child.

But here's the first one that came to mind:

There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they cant take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams

No they cant take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But Ill always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they cant take that away from me

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"It makes no diff'rence how far I go
Like a scar the hurt will always show
It makes no diff'rence who I meet
They're just a face in the crowd
On a dead-end street
And the sun don't shine anymore
And the rains fall down on my door"

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"Some day my Prince will come,
Some day I'll find my love,
And how thrilling that moment will be
When the Prince of my dreams comes to me.
He'll whisper 'I love you'
And steal a kiss or two.
Though he's far away
I'll find my love some day,
Some day when my dreams come true."

??

Music is a World Within Itself
With a Language We All Understand

??

I cannot name this
I cannot explain this
And I really don't want to
Just call me shameless
I can't even slow this down
Let alone stop this
And I keep looking around
But I cannot top this

If I had any sense
I guess I'd fear this
I guess I'd keep it down
So no one would hear this
I guess I'd shut my mouth and rethink a minute
But I can't shut it now
'Cuz there's something in it

(shameless, ani difranco)

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Good, good, goodbye, Bridget (really "good vibrations", but I couldn't understand the lyric on the recording).

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band: captain chaos and the crucifixion
album: 'where did i out that caesarian'
song" this game isn't for pussies
lyric 'wave, wave please behave. there's something in you that i should have gave. and i need it back from you so that i can save my hair. wave, wave, please behave. i'm stuck in a place called humanity and i'm been Given so that to 'ave'. but, fuck, you, because of the M in me i don't even have to ryhme. suck my cock, life, it's ready and Christlike. bang your own madmanness. i finally took a 'deal' with the devil after i realized that, if i hadn't, that poor child would have been relinquished to a bunch of ganglike murderously determined dick asswagers that would have been given to unlikely hood simpletime. sure, as in here, i'm the best, as in problem. 'try and see if you can get away with it. no one will know because no one cares to have the simple idea regifted.' "get away with it? it's mine already ...". that's when i got up and started, the wall it parted, and when i leapt out, i started. wave, wave please behave. i can't but pine for the dave. butt its not the dave that the fellas wanna cave. help, help, 'cuz this nigga got lost in Africa. and he ain't no big rizzy homo. he's bigga than shaq in a two on two attaq. kobe, give the ball back. i gotta to give to MJ so Vick can cut slack.

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"When the dream came
I held my breath with my eyes closed
I went insane
like a smoke ring day
when the wind blows
Now I won't be back till later on
If I do come back at all
But you know me
And I miss you now..."

--Buffalo Springfield

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Friends are friends forever, if the Lords the Lord of them, and a friend will not say never, cause the welcome never ends. Though it's hard to let you go in the father's hand we know, that a lifetime's not to long to live as friends...

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This is nearly impossible but if I had to choose one I'd pick something all-encompassing like:

"How long must we sing this song? How long?/
Tonight we can be as one."

Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2

Conveys exasperation and hope in a beautiful line.

??

Stir it up little darling, stir it up, oh darling, darling, darling walk a while with me, I am just living to be dying by your side, Be my be my baby, be my baby now, la-la la-la la-la la-la and we'll send you glad tidings from New York, I do believe in all the things you see and you better run, run, run to me better come, come, come to me, better run, You can go your own way,Maybe your heart is breaking well I wouldn't know now would I? A lock of hair, a belt he wore is not enough I need more,Let's get crossed off everybody's list, And you're standing here beside me out of the passage of time, never for money always for love,And you love me till my heart stops, love me till I'm dead, I have never known the like of this I've been alone and I have missed things and kept out of sight, I've been trying to show you over and over look at these my child bearing hips, look at these my ruby red ruby lips, Skip that lipstick and I know you cheat but right or wrong don't matter when you're with me sweet, hush now don't explain, I wonder should I call you but I know what you will say, once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can say a total eclipse of the heart, rush, rush hurry hurry lover come to me, said woman take it slow cause the lights are shining bright, call me for your lover's lover's alibi,who's your daddy? get your freak on, you better get right with god, shouldn't I have this? shouldn't I have this?My darling oh my darling, my heart breaks as you take your lone journey,Hallelujah, Hallelujah,how long shall they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look? Imagine all the people living for today, what's gonna set you free? Look inside and you'll see, Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat, like Fred Flintstone driving around with bald feet. Where do we go now?

??

"We're A Happy Family"/The Ramones
We're a happy family
Me mom and daddy
Sitting here in Queens
Eating refried beans
We're in all the magazines
Gulpin' down thorazines
We ain't got no friends
Our troubles never end
No Christmas cards to send
Daddy likes men

Daddy's telling lies
Baby's eating flies
Mommy's on pills
Baby's got the chills
I'm friends with the President
I'm friends with the Pope
We're all making a fortune
Selling Daddy's dope

??

And mine...

And so suppose love
Lives in a mansion
How in hell do I get
Over the wall? And
If my rope's not
Stretched the right tension
I won't cross this
Grand Canyon at all
And I suppose that it
Grows like a tumor
Spreads like a rumor
Like the grass grows an
Inch in every day

- Hammering Heart by del Amitri

What could you do if only given the chance? (6/21/09)

2009-08-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

If given five years of complete financial freedom I could write a work to stand beside Joyce. In the brief two weekd of freedom that I've had recently I'm amazed by what I've been able to write.

??

sleep for days

??

I would be a great nurse......

??

Producer a great film, write a book, run a successful company, make a lot of money.

??

As I've been given the chance to write and I'm wrting only sporadically, I can take THAT illusion off the table. So my truest desire is to have a small farm with a mountain meadow, a few goats, horses, cattle, farm dogs, and big gardens. I've got enough experience as a farmer, I could pull that off...if I didn't have to make a profit and I could just aim for sustainability, that is. Off the grid with some skis would be perfect. lol I'm an old lady who want to back country ski in my 80's. In fact, I wanna got out in my 80's dropping off a cornice or something. Fuck the whole idea of 100 pill bottles and a walker. (I've been working on health care reform for 10 years...can you see the bitterness?? Drugging old people into a medically induced unnatural stupor MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.)

??

Make great art

bring new inventions into the world

host a brilliant tv variety hour

??

Be an actress.

??

Be the spiritual gatekeeper for new babies as they enter..........to perform sacred ritual at a baby's birth.....I've never witnessed childbirth before, although I've expressed my desire to do so. No one has yet taken me up on my offer to be in the delivery room whilst calling forth the gods and ancestors. in god's time, I guess.

??

take a trip to outer space.

??

1. write a great book (which I'm in the process of doing anyway)

2. run a marathon in under 3.5 hours

3. learn Italian

4. make the meanest chocolate cake this side of the Mississippi

5. raise more donations for the SF Food Bank than have ever been raised before (that's what I'd like to do)

??

I would live without fear of consequences!

??

work on a job with a much bigger budget!

??

Be a good girlfriend

??

shoot satan in the head with a weapon designed insightfully in the same moment that my soulmate marries Jesus and bears a child. oops.

??

Think freely and creatively like I did when I was 18. There were no limits to my imagination then...

??

go back and do it all over again with the knowledge I have now!

??

Relax.

??

If given the chance? Or just make it happen? Where to begin? Sing for a living; weigh my ideal weight; knit for a living; afford retirement...... the list goes on.

??

Read books all day and all night.

??

Marry Tom Cruise. If only he had met me before Katie Holmes... (Actually, I think they are a really cute couple. I hope this one lasts.)

??

Hopefully something pretty cool ...

??

I am a really good actor &, if given a greater chance in film & television, I can share my talents with a much larger audience!!

??

What does that mean? Each of us has the ability already to pursue great opportunity. If by "given the chance" the question implies someone else would enable me to affect change, I've already seen what happens in my life when others enable me. I think I'll stick to my own resources.

??

Rock the Fillmore.

??

And mine...

Be a very generous billionaire.

What is going well? (6/8/09)

2009-06-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

life. new apartment, new school, new camera, new boyfriend, new age. life is going well. (new age because today is my birthday. 23.)

??

While storms rage wildly in the sky, my soul marches insistently forward toward harmony and grace.

??

my prayer & meditation at my bedroom altar. I light at least three candles and sit there on a pillow to say my prayers, to bless my fellows, and to set the intentions for my day. I ask for mercy, safety, high favor, and angel protection.

although I would love to say that I do this daily, I am in very good form just by doing it 3 to 4 times per week.

??

Pretty much everything, except for my pursuit of happiness in things external. Other than that, things are rockin!

??

everything.....but not all at the same time and not at all times...

??

still sober after all these years and am, basically, happy, joyous and free.

??

The gardens look great and I finally got all the closets and dressers cleared of items that could be donated. Not working means a cleaner house and lovelier gardens.

??

at this moment absolutely nothing....

??

My faith in my Higher Power

??

Being a mom to a great baby.

??

My orchid is about to bloom for the first time in 3 years.

??

My unsuccessful search for a job! I'm down to my last unemployment check!!! Zoiks!!!!

??

Right now, most things - except my weight.

??

masturbating in the sacred forest, against the will of modern man. smoking the garbage of human life in a container that has so much evolution it's almost ridicuklous to continue to live here. and listening to angry former men rank and persuade me of my soul mate, my Dream, The Dream, and the light they formerly had. planning on readdressing rape.

??

My hair looks GREAT!

??

My job is steady. Some times there is drama but at the end of the day I do alright for myself. I am enrolled in to school and I have a great counselor. I have a beautiful wonderful supportive family. I lost five pounds and started shooting hoops over the weekend at my folks house and brought back some equipment. I treated myself to two beautiful dresses one of which I will where to the opera, I have box seats to Porgy and Bess, which my good friend is performing in. I really work a good program of recovery. I have been sober for seven months and two weeks despite a relationship with a person who didn't seem to think of me as credible or good enough to bring with him along to meet his friends. I feel like that is going for me, we broke up. I feel like my world is getting larger and my parents and friends are all very proud of me. I feel a sense of accomplishment and my energy is driven and focused toward my dreams. I know that there are great things in store for me, and I know that I have so much to offer this world in manners of the heart. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you.

??

I finally, finally, finally earned a B.A. in English. With honors. It feels good.

??

Most of my plans, packing, my relationship with my lovely lover, many things...

??

SWIMMING!

??

Satan's plan.

??

My garden. The day lilies are lovely. My outlook on life, which improves each day it seems.

??

And mine...

The band, work, experiencing my feelings in the moment, my hair.

What has been the outcome of your social missteps? (5/31/09)

2009-06-07T16:23:00.001-07:00

i have been blacklisted from the house of more! and i couldn't be happier.

??

Being at a party today with wild, tattooed, pierced, young people, most of them at least 30 years younger than I, and not feeling completely out-of-place. Finding someone who looked like she felt worse than I, and having a great conversation with her.

??

I will probably never know the full impact, but I know for sure that my gas can clear a dance floor in about 3 minutes.

??

j, you always ask the most timely questions. just telling my friend over dinner tonight that i'm finding myself surrounded by a sea of people that i see often but with whom i do not have a true connection, or have issues with. and i'm spending less time with the people that are truly my homies. i'm changing the filter on my social butterfly ways. authentic interactions, true friendships. life is too short for anything else.

??

Pain, remorse, shame, mayhem, confusion, and stupid laughter.

??

that I don't trust myself in social situations....I overcompensate to be a "good boy" and don't have a good time. The older I get, the more a life of a hermit looks good...

??

Two divorces ...

??

No one will dance with me?

I have innumerable career missteps, but I can't think of any significant social missteps. I was from a family of very modest means (ok, overt poverty) and grew up in rural America. Not many social events to stumble in. As a young adult, I was a drunk and made sure to align myself with "lesser companions" so as to always look more together than my friends. We were pretty much social barbarians so the worse I acted, the better I fit in. As an adult in recovery, I'm simply not that deeply social. I avoid calling undue attention to myself. I taught myself appropriate social behaviors (for dining out, weddings, etc.) and I play nice. I don't drink anymore, so the chances for inadvertent assholishness are minimized.

??

My marriage. Seriously. I once took a date to a party and saw another pretty
girl across the room who smiled at me. I never wanted to meet someone so badly
in my life. She was beautiful. I told the young woman I was with that I didn't
feel well and suggested I take her home, which I did. I then hightailed it back
to the party to meet the other girl. My date, of course, heard about my social
misdeed, and sent me a letter that made me feel like a total jerk, which I
admit I was. On the other hand, I ended up marrying that pretty girl I went
back to meet, and we've been together now for 29 years.

??

I calculate what I say before I say it. I take more time to analyze what I'm doing and what it means. Perception can be very damaging.. or very rewarding. When I forget to think before I speak/act (and it still happens here and there) it's painfully obvious.

??

I'm SURE that there is at least one ex out there who thinks I'm crazy. bitchy, and confused. The problem is that he's right! When I was dating him it was probably the lowest time of my life and I had NO BUSINESS dating anyone. But I wanted the company and the sex so I did, and proceeded to act crazy! Other than that, I think I've done a decent job of straightening out any other faux pas I may have made.....I hope!

??

lots of shame : ( and ongoing comments from others about "that night"

??

learning and growth. and less CAREFUL steps.

??

Red faced embarrassment all around

??

they usually lead to varying degrees of alienation....hell i'm still trying to figure out what's in my blind spot....

??

sually consequences involving a series of apologies and guilt from my part. (Humility is one word and the short version) Also, opportunity to learn or evaluate what about the misstep is fear based. In every mistake is an opportunity to see another perception and grow from one's limitations. Yet, did I make a fool out of myself by simply not agreeing with the party? or did I hurt some one? If I hurt some one then I know I hurt myself. If I decided to have a voice against the odds because I felt in my heart the opportunity was alive for an alternative perspective....then this is not a social misstep, it is debate and democracy. Esoteric and eccentric people who misstep some boundaries of society have their place at times in spiritual utilities. There is the misstep that happens when one walks into a room wearing the "wrong" apparatus for the situation. That is laughable. The misstep that involves mistakenly stepping on another's toe with a sordid comment or rude manner...well this is the sort of thing that each person has the opportunity to take responsibility for.

??

If I'm conscious, I learn some valuable lessons (primarily about how to be a better person). If I'm not conscious, the lesson repeats itself, usually with more dire consequences. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I do and how my actions impact others, but I haven't reached perfection. It's a process.

??

alignment of life back to life such that social is further noted to be gracious and cool and missteps become family get togethers. back in the 1313 style of 'who's gonna win this one?'
two for six eight, who do we appreciate?
xavier, xavier, and muk!
whatever, Eve. i'll see you back at the shower stall.
satan, simmer down. the devil just needs some space. it's not about you and him. it's about me you and him.
Jesus, can we trust that mr. jones won't react?
and who's this Biden character? a mccain?
10,280, bitches. save what?
also, saint mike gets noted as the last travelling sky show.
and seabuscuit blue angels the sky above the alcatraz triangle.
are you guys going or staying?

??

Well, I was going to say, a life that has left me at odds with society and somewhat of a renegade despite my substantial turnarounds in disposition and questionable activities. But then I think that certain opportunities were never really a choice for me and that even if I had pursued a more "social" path I would have the same doubts and uncertainties that I have now. When everything washes out, I am probably the person I would have been no matter which direction I went or which path I chose. All due respects to Robert Frost.

??

Useful information.

??

Much embarrassment, sadness, and wasted time, but also much learning....

??

And mine...

Almost always the same: Trust my instincts.

What's in your blind spot? (5/18/09)

2009-06-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

only this exact precise present moment which is real and unknowable. everything else is an illusion, except maybe divine things I also can't know.

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."

Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

??

Usually a man with green eyes.......

??

Puppies and kittens.

??

The intersection of money and love.

??

I'm not so sure. That's why I'm in analysis.

??

The cops who pull me over..

??

My arrogance.

??

What isn't in my blind spot?

??

what blindspot ;-) ?

the things i am not ready to look at yet.

??

Oh, man. I usually push my boyfriend's immaturity into my blind spot.. it's the only way I can keep going.

??

wouldn't YOU want to know! HA!

??

I don't know! That's why it's called a BLIND spot. I can't see it.

??

Death is my blind spot. It blinds me with its totality, its finality and its universality.

??

I don't know, dearie. I can't see there.

??

everything I can't see

??

Obviously it's the big surprise that I haven't seen coming.

??

Ignorance and hatred along with intolerance.

??

Whenever and wherever I try to understand what a woman is thinking.

??

And mine...

How the manifestations of my fear of people affects them.

Are you being watched? Are you being loved? Are you being kind? (5/11/09)

2009-06-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am. My 12 year old son is very affectionate and nudges his way under my arm, and my 2 year old daughter melts into my embrace. And my wife and I take the time to talk and kiss and communicate and support each other. Married-Parenting love isn't always the most romantic love, but it's often the love of your best, most generous self.

??

Totally.

??

It is a risk to let myself be loved. It is a risk I want to take more often.
My heart is hungry for it.

??

only when i'm awake, or dreaming sometimes.

??

Kind nice isn't surely kind heart. Kind soul may only reach kind shallow. Kind kick in the ass and kind kiss the raw animal belly of bliss yearn beyond the tepid servility of expectation.

??

All the time! By my family mostly, but also by a handful of friends and a group of strangers. And with my finely tuned spam blockers, I also receive random love from Internet strangers in the form of things like this: http://www.pixelcase.com.au/vr/2009/newyork/

??

Yes.......at the moment, I do not have romantic love in my life, but I see how my higher power has compensated by lifting the veil over my eyes and showing me the wonderful friends and family that love me...

??

yes

??

If you've never owned and loved a dog ... you really have not experienced love. I am loved.

??

Of course

??

My consumer habits are being tracked and my internet searches recorded so that the ads that pop up are dialed in to my interests. The speed and red light cameras don't catch me anymore, but the Metro video surveillance does. The grocery store "bonus card" gives marketers intimate insight into my demographic. They know what brand of tampons I buy and my secret Oreo addiction. When I swipe my bank card in Canaan Valley, WV, someone knows we're gone for the weekend...again. They know, too, that we haven't gone out since the end of ski season. Amazon knows my grandbabies live in Connecticut now. Huffington Post published a list political contributors in 2004, so so anyone doing a Google search for my name (not that I'm not an egomaniac, but I do so regularly because I am a consultant in a visible field) knows I supported Kerry. What they don't know why or how (not) enthusiastically I supported him.

I'm being watched, but not understood. With as much data there are out there about me, I feel remarkably (and sadly) invisible. No one watches ME, they watch my money.

??

Despite feelings to the contrary sometimes, I'd wager "yes, very much."

??

I'm a supervisor. My subordinates watch me constantly. Every single move I make, every action, every word I speak, every interaction I have with customers and associates. They're like little video recorders, they tape it all.

??

all the time, if i'm open to it.

??

All the time!

??

Yes

??

On my way to work this morning, I walked down to the lobby and looked up at the video cameras pointed at the front doors. I walked up to the corner to turn towards the train and a video camera in the alley behind me recorded my movements. Schoolchildren along the next block had stopped in two different places and were absorbed over their cellphones. Two of them were holding their phones straight up in front of their faces. They could have been snapping photographs of me or perhaps watching my movement with video. Various other alleys also had video cameras trained to scrutinize the passers-by. I walked into the train station and counted four upside down globes of video cameras by the time I entered through the turnstiles. There are two more globes on the platform, as well as two other cameras ostensibly trained for the conductor to watch on monitors in the middle of the station to see around the curve at the end and not close the doors on customers.

I changed to another train at a station which we know is on the radar screen of terrorists from Asia and the Mideast since a incident in the 1990's when a cadre was caught with bombs filled with nails which they were days away from igniting in this station. There are cameras galore. There are also cops, plainclothed and in uniform everywhere.

On the train, there are no official cameras, but there are more cellphones. I have surreptitiously taken film of other passengers myself when they were not watching. When I changed trains again, there were many more official cameras. At my destination station, more official cameras were everywhere. I walked the two blocks to my office building and went by the cameras in the courtyard, the lobby, the elevator and on my floor and then walked into my office. My manager was sitting at my computer looking through the work I had been doing.

I am being watched. You are being watched. We are being watched. And I am far more under the radar than you are.

??

I'm probably not interesting enough...

??

I hope so. It turns me on.

??

yes.

??

All day, every day, even if most of the time it's from someone who's no longer here - my Mom. Love and miss you, Mom!

??

Some times and other times it's all the ego

??

I am often told that I am. I guess that infers something.

??

not anymore. she is not the cyber stalking type....

??

Aren't we all, by someone? I don't believe in God, so that's not what I mean.

??

Constantly!!! (That's the money you could be saving with G-----!)

??

I wish.

??

Sometimes I think I'm being too kind. Compassion can be draining when it's practiced on an unlimited basis....

??

And mine...

Most of the time.

What do you do when it hurts? (5/5/09)

2009-05-05T23:55:00.001-07:00

Rub some 'tussin on it!

??

i take a picture. it lasts longer, but it makes it all go away so fast.

??

I cry. Not always right away, but sooner or later it happens.

??

Spray Windex on it.

??
cry like there is no tomorrow.........

??

ice

??

Prop it up on the sofa and begin self-medication...

??

Cry, cry, cry.

??

I read. What do I read when it hurts?

It depends on how I hurt. if it is a kind of hurt that I am so hurt that all I want to do is escape, I read escapist fiction, anything from Octavia Butler to Ian Rankin to The Count of Monte Cristo, hopefully something I haven't read before or at least something I haven't read in twenty years.

Then, once I can deal a little bit better, my choices get stronger and I read Tolstoy, Turgenev, Virginia Woolf, others.

If I have the kind of hurt that stems from loneliness or a sense of really being singular, I read Beckett, Shakespeare, Sarah Kane, Thuycydides, Diderot, Swift, poetry like Ginzberg, or any of a short list of others who can make me feel like the kind of understanding I need is not a dream.

??

cry, or scream, or both

??

I cry, get angry and if it persists I feel sorry for myself.

??

Physical or emotional hurt? The answer is pretty much the same - I have had a chronic illness for many years and have developed a lot of coping strategies for physical pain that work for emotional pain as well. One is that I try to relax and take a mental trip to somewhere that I really, really love. I imagine walking through that place, and try to bring back in every detail the sights, the sounds, the smells, who I was with, what I ate and drank, what the weather was like, was there art that I loved? Plants, flowers? What clothing was I wearing and how did it feel on my body? Was the wind blowing? I go very slowly and imagine everything in as much detail as I can. I have a whole list of places that I go - Delft, Chinatown in New York, Boston's North End, the Arnold Arboretum, the Charles Bridge in Prague, New Orleans, Memphis, Santa Fe.... After a mental getaway I always feel the pain cycle has been broken.

Also- listening to music. Really listening, focusing on the bass lines, the drumming, not just the singer and guitarist. Putting on head phones and following every note. You would think I'd pick some cheesy meditation music for this, but I actually find it works best with old school punk. If the music is too relaxing it's too easy to drift off and think about the pain again. It has to be something that will totally take over the brain functions. How do I spell relief? S-T-I-V B-A-T-O-R-S.

??

The only thing I can do: dance it out.

??

Fully feel it and apply whatever practices I know.

??

Get another tattoo

??

Whatever I can to make it stop. Easier to do with physical pain, much
harder with pain in the heart. I usually think my way through
heartache, but it takes a long time.

??

Nothing, unless it is physically diabillitating, in which case I get meds from the MD. Living is a constant state of atomic collision, one pain after another, physically, mentally, spiritually. Most of the time you just have to let it flow through you, being transparent to the experience. Perseverance furthers.

??

Kiss it and make it better.

??

some times the right thing and some times I smoke

??

Stretch and rest, or take a small break

??

I take one Tylenol and two Advil (someone told me this is like taking Tylenole with Coedine but without the woozy head effects). That's for physical hurts. For emotional hurts - chocolate!

??

moan.

pray.

moan.

??

to feel better

??

I used to pick up the phone and reach out. but I find my friends are busy, occupied with their own lives, relationships, and problems. Besides, I find it takes too much energy to explain it all. I can always hear the other person typing on the other end of the phone anyway. Now I find myself more likely to reach for a Klonopin, ice crea, = and putting in a dvd.

??

kiss it and make it better

??

Try to make "it" stop if whatever is causing the pain is injurious to body or spirit..so if I have to speak up, I find my voice.

Sometime when it hurts, it's an unused muscle (or emotion or truth) that needs to be worked a little harder or longer, so I ease up put keep moving forward. Exhaustion and dehydration can make the last 1/4 of a long hike or mountain bike ride really really unpleasant. So...I drink more (Gatorade!!) and I get my brain to shift out of "OMG, how much longer, farther is it" to a more positive frame.
Advice given a friend a few days ago by her best male friend: Life is rough. Wear a helmet.

I spend a good deal of my life wearing a helmet...skiing, biking, even considering one for surfing/windsurfing (the way ugliest helmets of all time). Maybe I have it all wrong. Where I really get hurt is my personal and professional interactions. Maybe I should put on a helmet first thing every morning to help ward off the angry stoning mobs of haters!!

??

Well, it has hurt an awful lot the past couple of weeks and for damn good reason. I've prayed and meditated and called the ones who love me and had smart feet and all that good kind of stuff. I also ate too much bread and pizza, listened to a lot of sports talk radio, and made out with someone whom I probably should not have made out with. That kind of thing.

??

I sulk, I cry, I isolate, I plot revenge, I pray.

What's another way to put it? (4/28/09)

2009-04-29T17:30:00.001-07:00

how can you say it another way?

??

I think you've run out of good questions.

??

Tomato

??

Inside out, upside down, frontside back, leftside right, abstractside concrete, poeticside banal, colorside gray, painside pleasure, pessimistside optimist, darknightside ecstatic.

??

Everything is a set up and 911 was made to put fear in us obama and macain are players for the same team and why does a currency in the united states read new world order on latin ? When are we all going to see the big picture for what the federal banking system is setting up for our children ,we need to wake up

??

Their actions didn't come from being mean spirited...their actions came from being afraid...

??

is in layman's terms

??

"It is what it is........."

??

It's the echo that's heard from the walls of this dimension. Some people just happen to be sitting close enough to hear and others of us can't help but charge right for those walls and keep on banging on them until we're exhausted.

??

Probably sideways, but that might hurt.

??

Well ... hummm ...
... instead of putting up with it
... try putting down with it

??

Let me put it this way: It's not you. It's me.

??

In other words, it doesn't really matter that much unless you make it matter. Just stop worrying about it.

??

Hopefully not with cliché. Every time I see a piece of writing with numerous clichés, I get very upset. It's time to find new ways to say old things.

??

I've found that I'm still kind of in love with her.

??

Another way to put it is that I like you the way you are. I don't want to change you.

??

"When you behave that way, it reminds me of some childhood fear or
hurt. So I get anxious, and because I am anxious, I'm not thinking
straight, or listening well, and I lash out at you in anger. But it's
just fear. Can we talk about ways we might deal with this, now and in
the future?"

As opposed to, "Fuck you."

??

"It's not you, it's me."

??

It is what it is

??

Another way of puttin' it is that they should get themselves hence and fornicate themselves!

??

up the butt.

??

Upside down & inside out.

??

Descriptive language, allegory, analogy, realistically, evasively, bluntly ...

... through hand gestures, eye contact, body language ...

... a smile ...

... a kiss ...

... laughter ...

... screams ...

... or silence ...

??

...in your pipe and smoke it...

??

"I haven't talked about it, but I know specifically of reports that I read, that I saw, that lay out what we learned through the interrogation process and what the consequences were for the country," Cheney said.

WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT COVERING FOR THE ONE PERCENT POSSIBILITY. IT’S ALL ABOUT POWER, BABY. IF YOU KNOW WE WILL TORTURE YOU, YOU WILL BE AFRAID TO ASK.

"I've now formally asked the CIA to take steps to declassify those memos so we can lay them out there and the American people have a chance to see what we obtained and what we learned and how good the intelligence was."

IT”S BAD TO RELEASE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WAS DOING, EXCEPT WHEN I SAY SO.

also: I KNOW YOU WON”T REALLY DO IT, SO I AM HEREBY RAISING MY ANTE, YOU TRAITOROUS COMMIE FUCKERS.

??

put it the positive way!

??

if two times two doesn't equal four (not even close) then light can travel at a speed unknowable to man. if history is nothing but a dreamer asleep, then reality must preclude that awakening. if love and hate fight it out to the bitter end, then that end is hate. love doesn't fight. but it does prevail. don't tell the haters that they don't hate. that might e too heavy for them. tell them that they are just misfits. that'll be better.
lastly, if Jesus is Real, there is no other God.

??

no i don't want to be your boyfriend
i love you
I'm not saying no forever
I like you
stay with me
thank you
understanding
no we are not friends with benefits
we are lovers and family
we are not ready for that label
he's just not that in to you
what's wrong with going label-less if what you have is great?
if he was the one he would be proud to be your boyfriend
dump him
may be take some time and if it is right it will work out and if it isn't then you will know
may be he needs more time
may be he is not that into me
may be things are really great when I am

??

A good friend, now at the "big meeting" once told me to consider three questions before I told someone something difficult. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If what I have to say to someone is true and necessary, I need to remember to be as kind as possible. Otherwise, it might be best to say nothing at all. Sage advice - I thought so then and I still think so today.

??

If, if, if........If my mother had wheels she would be a bus.

??

rather than "i think" (which really means "i think and therefore i am..right") use "what i feel is" or "the way that i'm going to do it is" or...well there are probably a lot of other options which i will be working on firguring out while moving forward

??

another way to put it is: this is an opportunity I have wanted for a long time. and no matter what the outcome is, it's worth the experience.

??

Was ist eine weitere Möglichkeit es zum ausdrücken?

??

I'm totally fucked...

??

Everything you know is wrong.

And mine...

Qu'est-ce que c'est le je ne c'est qua?

What have you found? (4/21/09)

2009-04-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

DISRASHTI0N. PAYSHI0NS. N DR0. FUCK DA SMALL SHIT.

??

I'm not sure. Although, I know it's mine.

??

I have found the dance at the edge of awareness,
I have found the beauty of a half-opened flower,
I have found the truth within each precious body,
I have found the laughter that suffuses all unfolding.

??

If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

??

I've found that I get away with nothing and that I keep repeating the same lessons until I learn, change, and move on.....

??

peace, love, thoughts, feelings, physicality, insanity, darkness, gods, gurus, etc.

??

Acceptance. I don't get pissed off much anymore. Life isn't perfect. People aren't perfect. We don't get everything we want. That's the way of the world. So don't get an ulcer over it. Don't pop a blood vessel because of the lousy driver who cut you off. On the other hand, don't be afraid to speak out for what's right, defend someone who's being treated badly, stand up for what you believe. But remember that essentially life goes on as it always has. So take a deep breath, cool down a bit, try to have a little fun when you can, and seek peace within yourself.

??

I've found OUT that I'm TERRIBLE with MONEY.

??

I've found that you can destroy almost anything with just a hammer.

??

Assistance

??

my fiercely brave inner warrior goddess whose always jonesing for justice...she suits up and shows up to fight the good fight with a little humor, sass factor, and glam.

??

That I'm pretty happy/comfortable living alone with my Yorkies.

??

That helping other without thought of payback gives me a really good feeling about myself. In fact, that feeling is all the payback I need.

??

that happiness is not about having the best of everything but about making the best out of what you already have

??

More illusion than fact...more greed than ethics...more kindness than I expected...more narcissism than I can bear.

??

that I really do love cashews.

that writing continues to bring me great joy.

that I still miss my friend Peter, who died nine years ago.

that Rome still beckons, though I haven't yet figured out how to live there.

that sex in my mid-40s with a man I'm wildly in love with, yeowzah!, sets the bed on fire and burns the paint off the walls!

??

That fear and a lack of faith are my greatest enemies

??

more questions.

??

I have found that the thing that makes me love someone the most, or like them, or desire them, or enjoy them, is the way they make me feel about myself, and their ability to see something lovely in me. I can't decide if I am troubled by the narcissism of this, or lulled by the obviousness.

??

10 cents, in a bag I bought at a thrift store.

??

I've found that most people born after 1985, just don't get it!

??

th e coptic christian footwear intending although quite already.

??

At least six four leaved clovers in the last week.

??

Well, every other day this month (April is National Poetry Month!), I have found a line of poetry in my inbox, from my friend J---. We traded lines all month. We have four more days, so I have one more line in response, as I'm going to let Jeannie finish it, because a gentleman always lets a lady finish. Here's what J--- and I have found so far. J--- had the first line, I had the second, then back and forth between us. She's Grey-eyed Ajeana, hipper than Athena, and I'm Aslopius, the wounded god of garbage:

Narratives Thwarted,
An April String by Ajeana & Aslopius

Remember the dresses, a circulating skin
rainbows on cuttlefish, a cloud of squid ink
a touch of the blood on the nib of a pin
the well of the soul or the fingered instinct
tracing the notes on a crumbling spine
in the shrine of the goddess in Paleo Paphos
whose regrets are entwined in the upturn of moss.
Her husband was lame and the god of the swine
who plays his own game while lamenting his loss
a heart that he hammered into an infernal tine
and pulsed with blood from the bacchic vine.
But the shrine is now silence, dust and dross
as the poet looks skyward for a sign
angels tattooed with the sign of the cross
or token clouds with a silvery line
stretching from the nail to the Sea of Tranquility
lighting up the branches of a juniper tree.
There bloody hung dresses skewered on a fork.
Heading for the crossroads, the two of us talk
of the death of the future in the birth of the past
and other bad castings that leave us aghast
for poets are allergic to missing the mark.
Sparrows rain-dance in the heart of Queens Park.
The Red Oracle sings from a cage facing East
of folly when friendship's a movable feast
the road too well travelled is bait for the beast

??

Nothing new.

??

A better question -- why are you asking these questions?

??

Mystery and truth, somewhere between the earth and the stars.

I have found my place in this world

Light years away from where I thought

I have found comfort in the sunshine

Laughter in the pain.

I have found that the ones that matter stay

Even as the others fade,

Slowly turning to dust.

I have found that home isn’t a place, but a feeling.

A feeling I have found in this city on uncertainty.

The city lights shine bright in this place I’ve found.

Biding me, “Come here”, “Try this”, “Buy now.”

I have found that music cures the soul.

I have found that the good die young,

And everything you need in life is free—

If you look hard enough.

But I have found that searching is the hardest part of all.

??

And mine...

A very unusual relationship, which I am enjoying very much.

That writing on the sidewalk and volunteering at the county jail make for an excellent Tuesday.

You sit at a table. Who do you face? (4/14/09)

2009-04-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

Weird -- it's Anthony Hopkins.

??

the boy of my dreams that is currently living 4,000 kilometres away from here.

??

Sorry, I mean, Anthony Perkins!

??

quite often, I face the screen of my laptop......one of many windows to my world.
At my kitchen table, I usually eat alone and face toward the Northeast.......perhaps my way of paying homage to the state of Vermont........my home away from home. I'm most comforted, however when I'm facing a friend.

??

The door. Can't miss what might come in next!

??

Myself.

??

As I sit down, I am face to face with Scott, the beautiful blonde and
bearded man who I have been chasing around town for several years. My
eyes flirt with him and I signal to meet me in the Men's Lounge.

??

Sartre. That is, myself.

??

The most attractive girl.

??

I will be sitting across the person who is my hearts desire...and he has just told me he feels the same way about me.......

??

my son.

??

myself ... my present ... and my future

??

usually my cat, who, despite how many times i try to tell her, does not believe that i've already given her food.

??

my love/s

??

Me as I am reflected in all I see.

??

The wall.

??

At home, I sit at a 90 degree angle to my husband at the table so I face the slider to the deck and woods in the back yard.

If we dine out and are seated at a booth, I face my husband and it at a table, I would face a guest.

I sit at a 90 degree angle to my spouse so we don't feel compelled to speak, but rather can choose to speak. If sitting across from someone, speaking to them is almost obligatory. Mike is a very quiet person and enjoys the privacy of this thoughts. He made it very clear to me when we first stated dating that he doesn't view being introverted as there being "something wrong" with him and he resented other people trying to "fix him" by forcing him into conversation or to speak. He's quite adept at speaking when he needs to, he just doesn't feel compelled to. So, being one of the "fix him" types, we find it easier for me to respect his space if I sit next to, rather than across from...

??

A friend.

??

It's usually the kids' table, so I face the other kids.

??

Either a sponsee or someone in my knitting group - depends on which night of the week it is.

??

nobody......

??

In reality - my husband. I have been with him for 24 years and can't imagine wanting to face anyone else on any consistent basis. He makes me laugh.
In fantasy - Joseph Cornell. My favorite artist ever - I would love to sit at Bickford's with him and have prune whip and talk with him about his work.
Or maybe Joey Ramone. We'd be at a cheesy Italian restaurant and he'd be playing the accordion.

??

I face my kids for the half of the week that they're here. When they're not, I face a can of Lysol air freshener/disinfectant, a bottle of hand lotion, an electric pencil sharpener, a toaster oven and a rechargeable beard trimmer because there's no outlet in the bathroom... plus a few ghosts of my present and past who float through my consciousness when I'm sitting there. So much of life is contained in memories of the dinner table.

??

Well, if it isn't William Strunk, Jr, again! Or, is it that guy who beats the dead horse? Oh, that would be me! So, I'm looking in the mirror.

??

I face my father, and I am so happy. Boy, do I miss him.

??

And mine...

Who I am inside.

What do you mean? (4/6/09)

2009-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

from the old Andy Warhol flick: HEAT

"what do you mean, what do I mean? what I say is what I mean"

as spoken by Silvia Myles

as for myself,
what I say is not what I mean. What I do is what I mean.

??

Never exactly what I say. My husband and I have heartfelt discussions over our Venus/Mars differences in communications styles. He's far too abrupt and direct. I feel PROGRAMMED as a woman to soften most of what I say. I rarely go for the juglar. I praise or compliment, then correct or admonish. "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down."

For instance, "I'll say, TThe phrasing here is beautiful, but stronger transitions would help the flow." What I mean is, "Your writing is chaotic and nonsensical."

What I say, "I really like that shirt on you, but the pants aren't quite right."
What I mean is..."WTF, did you even look in the mirror?"

I go out of my way to avoid giving offense, and what I end up doing is being indirect and "mushy."

Mike just jumps right in and says evil cruel direct spiteful soul crushing simple truths like, "You're still not doing it right." When in truth, goddamnit, I'm still not doing it right even though I'm trying. I want is a band playing my theme song and him to bow before my feet in awe at my effort...not my results. How dare he just cut to the chase?

So, we've agreed, he's not my girlfriend.

??

I suppose that's part of the problem, I'm not sure, or not willing to commit.

??

I mean everything and nothing. I know that I don't know what I think I know. No! No! That's not what I mean. I mean love, hate, joy, sorrow, clarity, confusion, respect, contempt, and mostly humility.

??

huh?...what do you mean??

??

If you didn't 'get it' the first time ... not gonna 'splain again!

??

Not exactly sure. It is usually clear after I do it and then I know what I mean. It can be funny to watch what I try to do and then what actually happens. Like now for example....ha-ha!!

??

That would be giving it away. The idea is to allow the play between the thing and the idea so you can can make your journey to the discovery what you think it means. Don't we all exist in a state of translation? Ex. I snet out this poem about two little kids and a mom sitting at a table in a cafe making up a story. Everyone thinks I am reporting an event. I received copious comment about my observational skills, when almost the entire poem was fabricated by me. Until now I'm the only one who knew this. Meaning, reality, truth, poof..........

??

hmph. that's the way the h and the m ssay \\\\\ to the 'f' because after it's gone, it gets con_using. when that occurs, the way we communicate will be 'stunte_'. is that to be a verb, and adjective, or a noun? the multiplication of 2, as we found out from JD, is pertinient: always inclining yet diligently vacating the space so to take part in the 'summation'. the 'voice' that culminates is the one with the most of the unstable activity in the Mind. the veil has a clear entry point, i rejoined my Thoughts a few nights ago (it was extremely aristotelian (in the dantian sense) so it's not good to keep heading that way. if you see the bullies, the kids of privelage, and the sidewalk 'champs' mention this:
'your mind isn't hiding, youn one.' - G.
(the 'g' can be anything - from a rluer to an eraser squirrel)
and when i say 'nervous' as in 'anxious there in former to confidence and now prior so to keep the 'clampensian' effort of the modern boy leaning. i didn't have the heart to say.
as for the soul - let it go. sell it. get rid of it's sillyness and constant overstating of itself. self - hah - as in which there, huh?
also, does anyone have satan's address? i need to pick up some mail and drop of my thesis.
ps.s.s.sSs - sexually speaking i've been heating up my main ingredients. can someone tell me how they make condoms? i don't remember them and, gosh, it'd be a shame if i got the sex laws wrong, huh?
oh - the computer smithsiansing banterically ballanced will surely get the call to 'ascend'.
ahahahahahahahahahahazahamerica.com

??

I mean... I need space.
I mean... I feel scared
I mean... I feel overwhelmed
I mean... I'm not sure it will work
I mean ...I really want it to
I mean....to set a boundary
but that is not what I said.

??

What I say but more realistically what I do.

??

I mean what I say and I say what I mean

??

Huh? Is it me or do these last several questions seem more arcane than usual? What do you mean, what do I mean?

??

I try not to. Mean people suck.

??

Sometimes my prayers, mostly my concern, often my fear, hopefully my faith.

??

I am not sure yet. I don't always believe what I mean.

??

Usually what I say or write though clarification may sometimes be needed.

??

I says what I means and I means what I says.

??

What I say. Unfortunately this is not always true. I have a tendency to say things other than what I mean if I think saying what I really feel will cause problems....

And mine...

"I mean to misbehave."

What are your insecurities? (3/30/09)

2009-03-30T21:24:00.001-07:00

I'm not pretty enough, worthy enough, not enough time, not a good mom, will never find peace..more?

??

where do i begin....I am insecure about not having a college degree (though I'm on the path to completing one); insecure about what men think of me; insecure about my working class family origins; insecure about my intellect and ability to create the life I want; economically insecure and presently have anxiety about future economic hardships; insecure about my gender hybrid body (though I might bare it at Harbin); insecure about all of the unknowns for my life, my community, this nation, and the planet.....glad I'm secure
in the knowledge of impermanence.

??

I should own a house on Belvedere Street, but I rent an apartment on Alma Street.

??

I am insecure about my intellect, my sexuality, my abilities, my knowledge, my education, my capacity to love, and most of all my belief that I can overcome these.

??

I used to be more in shape, that sort of bugs me sometimes. Sometimes at parties, I don't really feel as funny as other people.

??

the big ones are that I am un-lovable, that I will fail at all the important things, and that without kids, a family, I am incomplete. that people might not like me and somehow this is a bad thing. that I am not going to make it.

??

We don't have the time to review them all.......

But, at this moment. My weight, and that I am unloveable.....

??

The future of my job makes me feel insecure.. Everything else in my life is cool, but who can be certain their job will be there next month or next year. Makes it had to plan your finances!

??

My relationship.

??

I must be in denial as no insecurities are coming to mind. Or maybe I have integrated them and made peace with them. I had one major insecurity about my appearance, grotesquely stretched skin on my abdomen after giving birth to very large babies. I had a tummy tuck last year and fervently wish I could have afforded to do it 20 years ago. My body is far from perfect and I'm ok with that...but now it all "matches." I'm in a very stable, loving marriage so emotionally I'm on solid footing. Work is work...it comes and goes. Financially, we're in better shape than a lot of folks but one lay off away from tanking. So...I choose to focus on what we have and not get caught up in the "what ifs" emotionally. So, I'm not financially insecure...at the moment...and grateful for it.

??

My weight.

??

I would say speaking and physical strength are my two biggest insecurities - not debilitating by any stretch but yeah, not "comfortable" with either at times.

??

I am insecure of not being enough to other people.

??

They are legion! And enumerating them only serves to make them more real.

??

i have a fear that is convinced that all it is is fear. it makes me prone to awkward behavior, the kind and like of which tend to be magnetic. my insecurity is that, Ultimately, I have no fear. so, what happens to the magnet and those therein. i wish i had more security for it.

??

That I bother people. That no one really cares about me except my husband. That I will die old and alone. That the people I love don't care about me as much as I care about them. That I will never stop having problems with debt and money. That I am really rather stupid and people are too kind to tell me. That I'm not a very talented artist. The list goes on and on. Sigh.

??

And mine...

That this wonderful project, which deserves to be a book, will never be so because I just can't get it together.

Is life important? Why? (3/22/09)

2009-03-24T14:25:00.001-07:00

that's two questions! can i choose which i prefer to answer?

??

Life is only important to those who are truly alive. The unimaginative, uninformed, unaware and unfriendly are unalive in every aspect meaningful life. For life to flourish it requires compassion for oneself and others. For those who's joy has been obliterated by the un loving purveyors of ignorance, to be alive is to have hope.

??

Yea, n n0.

??

Life plants and other matter that keep our ecosystem balanced so that we and other creatures on this planet can exist are indeed important. However, I believe that as far as humans are concerned , its not just life that is important, but the QUALITY of life. Is life to be honored if you are brain-dead?-don't think so, what if you were born with developmental disorders so severe that you hardly even recognize that you're alive-don't think so. I'm a survivalist, a realist, and I firmly believe that not every single form of life is to be valued just for the sake of breathing!

??

Yes.

Life is the ability for matter to recreate copies of itself. It has led to our ability to observe the rest of the natural world and wonder as to its origins. Is it important? Yes. Why? Because without it, this conversation wouldn't exist.

??

My life is important to me because it's mine and it's my only frame of reference. But, in general, I believe life is "important" only because it's part of a greater system. I do not hold that human life is sacred or of greater value than any other form of existence. Life is a biological process...plant life, human life, animal life...all has a genesis, a span, and an end. Part of the life cycle is death and decay. Lots of seeds don't even germinate, many others are eliminated shortly after germinating...due to a heavy frost or selective thinning. Same goes for critters and humans. We're just biologicals. We humans think very highly of ourselves, but I view humans as the worst sort of parasite. We foul our own "nest", attack and kill for pleasure or power, consumer in excess, and generally make a mess of things. We're not very nice as a species and I think Mother Nature might be better off by ridding the planet of us. We're no better the fleas on dog...indeed, we're far worse. I have trouble seeing "humans" as being beneficial in the great system. Yes, we do have our bright moments, but our presence has brought decline to the planet, not benefit.

??

Ridiculously easy to answer: YES. The opportunity to make a difference
in the lives of other beings, sentient or otherwise. The chance to
gently steward the earth, the chance to leave this place even slightly
better.

??

importance seems to be a value judgement.
so, you are asking life to judge life.
life is.
isness is.
importance is a mind-construct.
importance is not important.

??

It's only important if you're living it with the intention of DOING THE RIGHT THING.

??

Life is as important as we make it. Connecting with others, building community, love ~ these are the things that make life worthwhile. Besides, we might as well enjoy it; we'll be dead a long time!

??

of course it is! if it isn't important, I won't be alive. and if I'm alive then I value mine and I shouldn't think anyone or anything else that has life be any different!

??

Is it important? I guess so, otherwise I wouldn't be here. WHY is it important? That's been pondered since the beginning of consciousness, and basically, it's anyone's guess.

??

depends on what you mean by 'life' and 'important'. is it important to live on earth? no. is it important that you are living on earth? are you living? is it importantly? life, as we've 'come to know it', in the end, may never have meant anything at all. how's that for a good day!

??

Yes. Because.

??

It's important to the lives you've touched and the ones you intend to touch along your journey.

??

Life is beyond important it just is: it exists. We as humans can make some thing mean more then it is or less then it is to ourselves, but life was here before our own life and it will be here after we pass into death and back in to the cycle of energetic creation. Life itself does not think life is important. It is here now until it isn't. It is pure of judgement.

??

Not in and of itself. I don't believe in the reincarnation idea that we're here to learn something every go round. Nor do I believe in the idea of heaven and hell. So it doesn't seem like there's much point to life. And if there's no point that makes life pretty meaningless.

However, I say 'not in and of itself' because the above doesn't mean that we should just give up on our lives; I say make the most of it. And humans seem really good at attaching a meaning to things that don't have one so we can pretend if that makes us feel better about hanging around.

??

Wow. Quite a week for this question. I don't know how I would've answered it prior to Thursday, which is when I found out about the sudden and unexpected death of the husband of a friend. Well, I know I would've said that yes, life is important. And I know I would've had the following reason: to experience the joy and happiness, along with the sorrow and pain. Without the latter, would we know how to enjoy the former? I don't think so.

Now I would add that I think life is important to those who love us, and even to complete strangers. We all affect each other in so many different ways, ways that we may never even know. Someone pays your toll when crossing the bridge, which leads you to do something kind for someone else later in the day, and so on and so forth. Without that first gift, the others would not follow. So, the life of that first person made a difference in the lives of others they didn't even know. Just think of what you can do for someone you DO know, much less a stranger on the street? How can your life make a positive difference in someone else's life? It's a ripple effect. And it all comes back to you.

??

Life for its own sake is not particularly important. What makes it important is what we do while we're here; who we love, what we do. how we improve life for those around us and improve ourselves in the process.

??

I think it's important to the living, but mainly because of the fear of the alternative.

In the big, big, huge picture of things, I'm honestly not sure if it is important. If there were no life, the world would probably not be better or worse, just very, very different.

??

Otherwise I would have never heard "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys.

??

Yes.

For beauty.
For love.
For art.
For one another.
For good days.
For bad days when you see someone or something that makes you smile.
For meaning.
For the undercurrent.
For the touch when everything goes away.
And what we can't touch but feel
For those sometimes undefinable moments ...
For so many reasons...

??

Yes. Not sure yet.

??

And mine...

I don't think of my life as being important. It is just a life. And life in and of itself is neither important nor unimportant.

On Wednesday night I was walking home and saw an ambulance in front of the home of a friend. Her husband was being carried away on a stretcher, one paramedic pumping his chest while the other two lifted him into the ambulance.

He didn't make it. His life now seems very important.

the dead's features are writ large in a heart
whose plane and distance tear apart

Who(m) do you trust? (3/16/08)

2009-03-16T14:10:00.001-07:00

My teacher.

I do trust a lot more people than I used to, but it's still very challenging!

??

I trust the playwright Sarah Kane.

??

Everyone

??

I trust everyone to be human and fallible. I trust my husband's judgment above all else. I trust in the laws of nature.

??

my best friend, my mother, my boyfriend, and myself. beyond that there are quite a few people that i trust, but conditionally. i find that i'm very guarded with that, but as I do more and more work on myself i find that i'm able to open up and trust more, with less and less conditions or limitations. to me the hardest thing to trust or believe in is that i no longer will get hurt because i'm choosing to open up to people who are good for me right now, and that's ok. it's a process i guess...

??

My gut, and my mom.

??

Starting to trust Sir.

??

About 15 in varying degrees
About 5 implicitly

??

God, though I keep forgetting....

??

The only person I have absolute trust in is myself. I have a great
deal of trust in all of my close friends as well.

??

I trust that life is right in any case. I trust life to act as life, humans to be human, and that all things in existence come to change.

??

no one explicitly. sad, isn't it.

??

first thought - I mean very first words that popped up before I could think about it was: no one. Cliche, sad and so unevolved. But true. But I am in a very bad mood right now.

??

I trust different people with different things, depending on their sensibilities--I trust some with my emotions, some with my secrets, others with my physical safety. There are very few people who I distrust entirely and likewise, there are very few who I trust entirely. Including myself.

??

My husband. My friend Sarah, whom I have known for years, and her husband Ted. My friend Heather, who is an open book and has a sweet heart. My "art child" Rebecca, who is far too trusting herself....

??

My higher power, my dog, my family and a wonderful group of friends.

This question reminds me that today I have people I trust.....wasn't always the case

??

my instincts will tell me who to trust

??

I trust my instincts. I trust the revelations that come to me in meditation. So I basically trust myself....and my god which is within. I also trust my closest advisers. Politically, I trust that Obama will do the right thing. He seems spiritually fit to lead with integrity.

??

Grammarians.

??

For the most part, my sponsor. Then I realize, she's only human, too.

??

My dog, Pepper. Never lied to me once, ever.

??

Everyone to a point.

??

People aren't to be trusted. I trust mathematics, gravity, and the forces that hold atoms and molecules together.

That said, the people I have found trustworthy are the ones I love.

??

This is one of the hardest question you could ask me. "Who do you trust", coupled with "Are you safe". There are moments, but only moments, of trust and safety. The rest of the time is spent in search of....

??

The love of my life with all my heart! I actually consider myself lucky that I have many people in my life that I can trust. Very close friends and family. I weed out all those that I cannot trust. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship, from deep ones to acquaintances. Its not worth being around those that you don't trust because when you do they will eventually fail you, and when they do fail you, you lose a little bit of trust in yourself for trusting them in the first place.

??

myself and my gut

??

i don't think there's really anyone i trust. the horrible feelings of gut wrenching pain and regret when i trust and get stomped on hold me back from really trusting.

??

Completely and unconditionally? Nobody? The more I know someone, the more I trust them, conditionally, in a wider range of interactions. Ex: I can always trust X with money; I could always trust Y to be supportive of artistic endeavor; I can always trust Z to say no; but I wouldn't trust any of them in all things. I would never trust me to do the correct thing.

??

my mother

??

Existence itself requires some sort of trust. Every day there is an implicit trust to one's actions. So the short answer is I trust many people to varying degrees.

??

Whom do I trust? William Strunk, Jr.!

??

And mine...

Michael.

How long will it take? (3/8/09)

2009-03-08T22:53:00.001-07:00

Itz dpen. wife n kidz aint s0 easy 2 get wit my idenaty n my level 0f 0penness n where i b. tryin b4 30.

??

However long it needs to take.

??

As long as your actions

??

until the cows come home

??

as long as necessary to get where i want.

??

I try not to ask myself that question anymore........

It's coming......that's all I know.

??

Unfortunately, I think it will take far too long for SO many things!

??

Until I'm done! Now stop asking...

??

It depends on if you have to go thru New Jersey to get there. At least that's my 4 yr. old grandson's measure of "how long." I drove up to Connecticut to pick our grandsons up for a weekend at our mountain house. The first leg of the trip is around 5 hours, most of it crossing New Jersey on the turnpike. Every few minutes, Hunter would ask, "Where are we?" The inevitable answer was "New Jersey" so he thinks New Jersey is the biggest place EVER. In our drive from Maryland to our WV place, he decided it took a New Jersey to get there.

??

whatever it is, it always takes longer than we would want it to. i guess we just have to get comfortable with the natural pace of things, which seems a lot slower than our starbucks induced rat race mentalities would have us believe is the natural pace of things.

??

Hopefully, from now:
94 days, 14 hr, 22 min and 55 seconds

??

A good bit longer

??

Seemingly forever.

??

Four to six weeks for him to return from boot camp. His scoliosis is too severe.

??

If I call it in ahead of time, its usually ready in about ten minutes, which is about the time it takes me to walk over to Sunflower Vietnamese Restaurant.

??

the rest of my life, so, hopefully, a long time.

??

Just till the end of the year...I'm about a quarter of the way through. Wish me luck.

??

An hour to 10 years. Give or take a minute or two.

??

the thing is, for me i don't think it ever ends. and if someone had told me that before i started, i'm sure i would have said forget that, i can't live with that every day for years on end, let alone the rest of my life. but when it's actually happening, it somehow is completely different from how i thought it would be. not exactly easier, or exactly harder, but different. and somehow tolerable in a wholly unanticipated way.

??

It went undetected until his PT test at the start of basic. Even the MEPS doctors missed it. The curve is 25 degrees, 5 degrees over their limit.

??

At least twice as long as I would like for it to take!

??

12/21/12

??

as Aimme Mann would say, it's not going to stop until I wise up.

??

that is an unanswerable question. however, there is a context within which that question becomes the best inside joke ever!

??

as long as it takes

??

It will take the rest of my life.

??

as long as it takes.

??

Please allow up to 10 minutes for the juices to soak in for the best flavor.
Allow up to 5 minutes for me to adjust the tax rate

It's going to be long if you think about it. Can you tell me a joke or
give me a compliment?

??

that's what I wanna know too!

??

as long as it needs to

??

It will take as long as it takes.

??

I'm a sixty minute man!

And mine...

It took a little more than a year. But I am very happy.

What do you deserve? (3/2/09)

2009-03-02T22:03:00.001-08:00

What do you deserve?

A wife, kidz, j0b n h0use.

??

The definition of grace is an undeserved blessing. I don't know what I deserve, but I've certainly experienced grace!

??

LOVE, GREAT MONEY,
A sexy wonderful man
peace

:)

??

To have my boyfriend return from basic training safe, sound, and proud.

??

all we ever wanted, was everything - bauhaus
and I deserve everything that is best, or to be one with God, whichever. they are the same thing probably. nothing. everything. everything is here. there is no "I".

??

to be safe. to feel safe. to be released from the bondage of self. to be released from the bondage of my monkey mind......to be. released from the bondage (delusion?) of hiding in denial. to be released from the bondage of PTSD...ultimately.....To have the life that I want while being of service to others.

??

Apparently nothing............

??

Unconditional love.

??

Everything I've worked hard for.
At the same time .... nothing.

??

compassion, health, kindness,respect,happiness, just like everybody else

??

I deserve the fruits of my labor, to share them with others at my discretion. Despite being a liberal Democrat all my life, I increasingly feel like everyone wants to share MY wealth, which ain't much, but at least I came by it honestly.

??

Everything!

??

I deserve a chance to grow and make conscious decisions. I like to sleep in once a week too.

??

The assumption of innocence

??

nothing and everything.

??

Everyone deserves legal protection, clean air and water, clean food,
access to medical care at a fair price. Respect and most importantly,
freedom. Much of the rest comes under 'reap what you sow'.

??

faithfulness

??

I have more than I deserve, I am very grateful - but don't ask me to give it up!

??

Absolutely nothing. Deserve sounds like a hoarding, ownership, demand thing. I'd rather invite joy, the satisfaction of hard work, laughter, peace, and a sense of wonderment. I attract based on what I emit. I deserve nothing, but I strive to graciously accept all gifts.

??

I deserve the best. we all do. don't settle

??

I'd like to think I deserve better than I have, but the truth of the matter is I have everything I've earned - good and "bad" (or challenging).

??

I deserve ... better than the lot life has so far afforded me!

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better. better than what I pick for myself.

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Like everyone on the planet, human rights. Beyond that, it's all conjecture.

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Happiness, safety, fun, life, friends, health, love and family, not necessarily in that order. Oh, and a nice Hefeweizen on a Friday after work.

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holy access to the Veil, a bit of history, some air included, and the rights to my soul. in addition, i should be able to muster up a date. but that's being negotiated by the founding fathers. i also deserve the chance to extend the life of the planet ad infinitum, accordingly, and in accord. one last thing, an interview on CNN, with the kennedy file open and ready. so to be able to return some goods to the world. go 9/11.

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Lucky for me I didn't get what I deserved!

I'm sad. Please tell me something happy. (2/23/09)

2009-03-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

Strong warm hands massaging your tension away.

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O.K., here's a story.
Last week I took my two boys on a skiing trip to Vermont, (well, snowboarding for them). They had been only once before two or three years ago with their mother and both were struggling somewhat on the first day, the younger (12) worst of all. Finally after more than an hour of trying to get down the mountain,
he wiped out again and hit his head with the snowboard and I came over to find little tears streaming down from his eyes. He was so frustrated. First I told him not to worry, that there was no rush to get down the mountain and that we would compose ourselves and finish, as we were near the lodge anyway. When we got to the lodge I took him upstairs to the ski school and hired a pro to work with him for a couple of hours. The next morning, he was very confident, clued his older brother in to a couple of tips that he learned from the pro and we went up again. This time he made it all the way down with only a handful of sit-down spills. By the end of the afternoon I couldn't even keep up with him. He would be waiting at the lift for five or ten minutes and ready to go again when I slid in on my tired dad legs. I finally let him go by himself and he went right down the intermediate slope in about 10 minutes.
It was such a rewarding experience I could barely contain my pride and respect for his ability to get back up and succeed where he had been so thoroughly defeated. It was one of those moments as a parent when you finally believe you have taught your offspring something useful and the unadulterated love that you feel for them fills your whole universe.
Then we all went and had a great dinner and slept like angels were watching over us through the night.

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I got home last night after 10 days away from home. My cat, Buddy, had been in the care of my roommate. Buddy woke me up three times this morning for attention by standing on me and purring in my face and making biscuits where ever his paws could reach. No amount of money would ever be enough to make me give him away!

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You're rad.

And the sound of the rain outside is so relaxing.

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my sister stopped by to say hi when i've been home sick and alone all day. that made me happy that i have someone like her in my life.

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The older I get, the more I love my parents.

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I am going to Baltimore this summer to have a reunion with my Mom's side of the family, including 3 cousins and their families (spouses and 7 children all together). I haven't seen one of my cousins in over 20 years, and I've never met her hubby. I also haven't met 4 of the 7 children. It's going to be wonderful!

After 7 days there, I'm off to Puerto Rico for 5 days. My first time there, staying with a friend of a friend. (Although I have been emailing with him for over a year now, so he's really my friend, too, I suppose, just was hers first.)

I got a great rate on the flights (less than $600 for all 3 flights), and get to stay free in both places. What more could a gal ask for?

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You are a lovely, loving and lovable manifestation of the Divine.

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yellow flowers are very pretty and kindof match your hair, sometimes.
I am listening to the "pain and pleasure concerto" by the lords of acid.
soon I will be watching buffy and drinking chocolate milk.
love is the only true reality.

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Bonobos are apes who live in societies governed by older females. They are extremeley physically affectionate with one another, and survive communally, sharing the food found by the males which is divided by the matriachs and passed around. Unlike chimpanzees, they do not murder. Anthropologists are currently researching the theory that humans are actually more closely related to Bonobos.

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your hair smells amazing!!!

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feel the same way. I look forward to reading the responses. On my way home today I was thinking that I have become the worst version of myself... misanthropic, cynical, semi-isolated. I'm actually not sure what to say to make anyone else happy right now... maybe something like a contrived, inspirational quote or news bit, but I know of none. Something that makes me happy, that makes me smile are my pet rats. They are quite cute & I like feeding them spinach, kale, & healthy food because they seem to enjoy it & that makes me happy. Somehow becoming apart of an anonymous weekly question group mailing list thing has also made me rather happy... I am guaranteed at least two emails a week.

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Your sadness is temporary........you will be happy again.

You are a child of God.....you are loved and taken care of......you will not be forgotten or left behind and yes, you are loved.......

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Every morning my 4 month daughter wakes on her own, she doesn't cry, she
just talks to herself until we come to get her. When she sees us she smiles
and squeals and laughs with glee. It is always a good day to her.

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Go borrow someone's kittens. Watching a litter of kitten, puppies, or just about any baby animal makes my heart smile. Take a "walk" with a three-year old child and rediscover the world.

I do have happy news this week. After months of casting about for either new work for my consulting practice and normal, full-time employment, the dam finally broke last week. I have verbal agreement on a 3 month contract which covers my share of household expenses for a year; I have a job interview for a federal job on Wednesday; I passed the first phase of testing for a county job, and I got a call from a placement firm to interview for a private sector position thru them. I had not had one single nibble in months. MONTHS and MONTHS. No responses. I was in a career black hole.

And in the victory column, the client with whom I will be working is one I worked for last year. One of their senior staff was extremely rude, abrasive, and used me to blame shift her incompetence in highly inappropriate ways. I stood up to her and actually reported her to top of her chain of command (someone who is not easily approachable). I was very specific about how hurtful and inappropriate her behavior was and that I would not work with her again. I figured I probably shot down my chance to ever work for this client again by standing up for myself so vocally. (In consulting, we pretty much eat shit, smile, and thank them for the opportunity to dine.) I was directly sought out for this contract...proof I could risk taking care of myself and speaking my truth!

AND, I should get to take my grandbabies skiing for their first time this weekend (they are 2 and 4). I can't wait to get my baby lovin's!!

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I'm sure everyone will say this, but it's probably worth repeating:

"This too shall pass."

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My 14-year-old son found an old flute in my music room, asked if he could have it, and is now teaching himself how to play that lovely little instrument. Listening to a young man play the flute is a wonderful thing, and it sure makes me happy to hear.

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It's in the darkness that the light is ever more apparent. And remember, this, too, shall pass.

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Spring is about to burst forth ... daffodils are already projecting warm weather.
Time to cleanup the golf clubs. Oh Yeah!

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I love you, GoDa

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The other night, I was walking up the block towards my house, looking at the stars, and I was struck with an overwhelming sense of gratitude... for my life here in San Francisco, for my apartment and the people in my building, for my job and my co-workers, and most of all for the friends I've made since moving here... which very much includes you!

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Fluffy kittens frolic in a rainbow land with cotton candy clouds, cherry-blossom gum drop trees and glitter-winged birdies singing Japanese pop songs.

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It ALWAYS gets better! And most of the time I see you, you are very happy. AND the sadness is just a door to deeper connection w god. Walk IN and it will dissipate faster.

Love and light

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Today is a new day and it can be whatever you wish it to be. Go for a walk in the park. See what inspires you and notice things being present that you wouldnt normally notice. Remember, you belong to the world and it belongs to you. xoxo

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"optapus" (octopus), "biper" (diaper), "me do it" (I would like to attempt that myself), "lemmellade" (lemonade), "mohnserz" (monsters), "what da heck?" (this statement gets a rise out of you), "talk bunny" (entertain me by making my bunny into a interactive puppet, NOW)

smiling yet?

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Put your self in someone else's shoes, your problem is minute to someone starving with no food and shelter , always look at the positive

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I'm finally getting over a cough and nasal congestion that has hung on for FOUR WEEKS! I am so glad to be able to sleep through the night without having to wake my neighbors with my coughing. I am also glad that the tenderness around my nose - from blowing my nose so frequently - is healing! This may not be what makes you happy, but is certainly does the trick for me!

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"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers,
"Grow, grow . . ."
-The Talmud

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You're loved more than you know and by more people than you first thought!

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"This too shall pass" - Sorry, wish I had something better but it's the most honest hope I have.

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the Savior has Returned.for all those interested . .

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babies laughs
puppies bouncing as they walk
waking up to kisses in the morning
finishing something challenging
fulfilling food cravings
eating good food
friends & family healthy
your new beau getting along with your friends
thoughtful gestures
random acts of kindnesses
hanging out with good, funny & fun ppl
being silly with friends
seeing my family & friends happy
warm sunshine on my face

I hope that this list will cheer you up a little :)

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I bought tickets to Paris to surprise my wife for her 30th birthday!

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You're our friend and we love you; I love you. Does that help?

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Question of the Week is a cool idea. (And the answers too).

Obama is president.

AND

Maybe during the next hour, minute or even second something good will happen.

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I'm piecing myself together more and more every day! was that happy enough? I'm pretty happy about it. just as happy as a little yellow flower.

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Well, to be honest, I really feel that if you're feeling sad, it's really best to just go with that feeling and not try to cheer yourself up. People shy away from sadness when it's actually a good emotion to get in touch with.

However, if you insist on happiness - the daffodils are all blooming like crazy around here, the lettuce is coming up, my non-profit group just got it's 501(c)3 status, there is a new administration with a new agenda in the White House, and, to quote Matisse - "There are always flowers for those who wish to see them."

Just look in the mirror and stick your tongue out reeeeeeeallly far. Pretend you are Gene Simmons. That should cheer you up!!

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My son who is 2 calls farts, sarts.
This too shall pass.
You are loved, especially by me.
There, that was one funny and 2 happy.

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And mine...

Wow. Thank you. I am deeply humbled by the foregoing lovefest. You all pretty much ROCK!

Please illustrate absurdity. (2/16/09)

2009-02-16T21:55:00.001-08:00

absurdity is:

me chasing the same unavailable girl for
three and a half fucking years
the same unavailable girl
who I have nothing in common with
who I don't even like that much as a person
who has NONE of the qualities I want in a relationship
who admits she is a bad communicator
who emotionally withdraws (which drives me crazy)
who is hot and cold
who makes me feel like I am going insane every time we are in contact
who I have cried over
who I have sought Professional Help to get over
absurdity is still agreeing to see her
absurdity is still caring what she feels and thinks
It is absurd how powerless I feel

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Uh?

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waiting for dozens of people to die (usually children) at a crosswalk / intersection before a stoplight or stop sign is erected by Anytown, USA civic government.

Oh.........and any tabloid magazine.......they focus on the trivial and the truly absurd.......such as celebrity cellulite.

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1. enroll in honors thesis program out of choice and freedom
2. procrastinate
3. place total self-worth in writing perfect thesis draft in two days

("one must imagine sisyphus happy" - camus)

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Fried Chicken & Lipitor.

Strawberry Short Cake & Diet Coke.

Trickle down economics.

Democracy & ignorance.

Religion & self awareness.

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Absurdity is that George W. Bush was ever President of this country. No, wait, that's obscenity!

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The human race in denial

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!#P@)#*GHkdajpkllnvn;zslkdnm_)(*+_KLM:M"L<:L

Illustration complete!

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The Capital Beltway at rush hour (which is approximately 22 hours a day).
The movie Religulous does a great job of illustrating absurdity.
A diet coke with a super-sized fast food meal.
Hummers
Saggy pants with the crotch at the knees
McMansions populating every hillside
The Rebublican party

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Education system in the U.S.
Pay scale for our teachers.
Lack of parental controls on their kids.
Government "pork" projects.
The U.S. tax system.
Pomposity of many lawyers.
The enormity of frivolous lawsuits ... that WIN.
Our litigious society.
... you don't have enough room for these!

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The federal government is borrowing against future revenues by going into debt so it can spend money it doesn't have in order to solve an economic crisis caused by the out-of-control borrowing and spending by American business and the average American taxpayer. If that isn't absurd, I don't know what is...

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Two terms of W

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Post-college guys in Hoboken wearing shorts when it's 10 degrees out!!!!

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Doing too much and spending all your time stressing about shit that's unchangeable

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The Anarchist's Club will meet tonight at 7:30pm. Be on time.

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Illustrate? With a drawing? Hard to do in this medium. I can describe something I've always thought was absurd: The idea some fanatical pro-lifers have that it's okay to murder doctors who perform abortions.

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Everybody working over 40 hours a week to pay bills and "get ahead". Why not work a little and enjoy life a little?

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Oh that's easy: picture George W. Bush.

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it's like getting shot in the back of the head, execution style, creating a space and some time to deal with the historic and personal implications, entering into another space to try and connect the best way to view it, finding some eternally unpleasentness (go figure) involved, creating yet another space in which to have to effect to the prior two, skipping over the first two to a 'flux' state in which to present the evidence to one's superiors, evacuating that space the moment you hear that 'superior' voice ( using alterior motives), gettng swept up in a thousand foot wave on a clean ocean, and organizing a reentrance to the place at which you previously lay bloodied and vacant on the floor, picking oneself up, exiting the area for a brief moment, handing the bullet to Jesus Christ and then underhandedly ending the world within which such an event could occur, in a near perfect fabrication that allows one to gently and reasonably and with much restitution in mind, stop the event from ever happening Ever. then trying to explain it to the public as they try to explain it back - knowing that the answer will never arrive comfortably and in direct address and because of that also knowing that something entirely unpredictable and yet totally unnecessary could happen. as opposed to a human paradise that is the literal offering of Heaven. then having Jesus, the Devil and a Soulmate arrive on time. to express a absurdity yet to be realized. perhaps because of the Infinite delacacy of the repercussion. while maintaining allegiance to an adolescent proclivity to lonely masturbation in a fuzzy funny freaky fun zone.
Right to Lifers who support capital punishment
Atlanta with no curbside recycling

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that's a hard one. i mean, personally i think it's absurd that in many ways people know exactly what needs to be changed and choose not to because they're just more comfortable with what's been going on. i had a yoga teacher once say that the definition of insanity was trying the same thing over and over again even though it never worked in the first place. i think that also illustrates absurdity pretty well.

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Absurdity: the quality or state of being absurd: Absurd: an adj, ridiculous, unreasonable, unsound, incongruous, having no rational or orderly relationship to our lives, meaningless, lacking order or value; a noun, the state or condition in which a human being exists in an irrational and meaningless universe and in which human life has no meaning outside of its own existence.

I think this might be the best question of the week so far, and the more I think about the task of illustration the slipperier it becomes, because the more I look into anything the more logical it seems to become; I glimpse the form that follows chaos. Yet, that said, I still find it all ultimately meaningless.

A Manifesto

When you do away with form
As you indulge in formlessness
The first thing that you notice is
New forms manifest themselves
Or old forms reassert their shells
Because they simply have to be
And chaos is the anomaly

So push against the edge of style
Undermine and subvert design
You’ll teeter on the brink of charm
You’ll kiss the wall of the abyss
And stare into the eye of essence
But as you love each new fought bliss
Don’t forget the lobster bisque*

*Bisque – from French, bis cuites, twice cooked: a classic soup, highly spiced and very creamy.
** It has been suggested that it should not end "lobster bisque", but rather "mobster risque."

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GM and Chrysler are seeking $14 billion from the government and for this GM alone said they would need to cut 47,000 workers.

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There's the bizarre and wondrous paradox that, with all of the electronic devices for communication that are at our fingertips, it is harder than ever to get someone on the phone, have a business call answered by a real person, strike up a conversation with someone face to face or find people on the street who aren't surrounded by the me-pod and actually being aware of the space they occupy. Take, for example, the couple who breaks up by text message (from a real news story), or a number of people I know who, despite having a cell phone, a home phone and an office phone yet cannot be reached by telephone.

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The concept of owning things.

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and mine...

Borrowing money to get out of debt.

Do you make fun of others? (2/9/09)

2009-02-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

yes, not as much as I used to but yes, I do.

yes

Only if they're Republicans.

I take my fun where I can get it, but it seldom involves doing it at another person's expense.

You're kidding me with this one, right? I am, in fact, a literal comedian. I have no choice but to make fun of people. My latest choice is Williamsburg hipsters who claim to be seeking individuality while attempting to look the same as each other. They are no better than the corporate suits they make fun of.

I have fun laughing at people who make fun of others.....my favorite pastime is watching the Chelsea Lately show. She's a successful sailor-mouth comedian who bags on narcissistic celebrity culture; she is especially hilarious when slamming Britney, Lindsay, Paris Hilton and their parents. That's about the extent to which I make fun of others, other than a little harmless banter with my boss.

all the time!

Nope, I make fun with others!

Only gently

Only if they aren't already fun.

No disrepecting someone is not good karma nor good for the soul to sleep a restfully at night

Good question......not anymore, but back in the day.....watch out!

Busted. I do and I don't like that about me. I am very observant and I often comment aloud. I have learned to temper my comments to be less judgmental, but I still can't seem to shut it off completely. While skiing, I have been known to have a running commentary on the ski lift...call it my skier's "play by play." What's interesting about this question is that I consider myself adept at avoiding gossip...but then I still fall short of the ideal by criticizing and commenting on the foibles of strangers. If I don't make fun of them to their face and I don't know them, is it still bad? My "justification" is along the lines of the "If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound" argument. The truth is...I am still practicing being mean.

yes, of others, near others, about others, in regards to others...

The QOTW girl walks into a bar.
The bartender says "What are you drinking?"
The next day fifty people open up an email that says, "What are you drinking?"

Ba-dum!

Yes, but I only make fun of pompous people. Pomposity just ticks me off!

Only to their faces. And as often as I can.

People making fun others made me so uncomfortable and unhappy in school, that when I hear it going on i usually walk away. I'm a school teacher, and it's amazing how many adults regularly do it, then they wonder why so many of their kids are getting in trouble for bullying.
There are better ways to deal with one's insecurities.

Not since I was reprimanded by a nun in high school for making fun of the class weirdo. She stopped me in my tracks, and in that moment, I saw myself and didn't like what I saw. I never forgot it, and never did it again.

No more than I make fun of myself. Laughter is good for a gal!

only with affection, and if we are good friends.

i was made fun of far too much growing up to ever want to inflict that on anyone else, whether they can hear me or not.

Make fun of others, as in making fun of your friend for paying way to much for a bicycle tune-up? YES
Make fun of others, as in making fun of some person almost tripping on the sidewalk? YES
Make fun of others, as in making fun of my foreigner wife saying some word in English that sounds really weird? YES

I have definitely been known to make fun of others, and I try to make sure I do it in a way that they know about it, otherwise it is too easy!!

y'know, i am pleased to say, not too often, can't even remember. i mean sometimes to their face, but not behind a back.

nope ... never ...

Sometimes I do, and I usually end up feeling really bad about myself at those times. I'm trying to be more tolerant and accepting of the differences I see in people. Afterall, the world would be very boring if we were all the same.

Only if I know that the person is in on the fun making

only those cell phone guys.

I have a friend who has a really difficult time laughing at himself. Every few days, I make up a purportedly real news story about him. Sometimes it is as simple as taking some odd news story and changing the details, but usually there is much more fiction involved. According to some of these stories, my friend has found rare fungal species growing in his garden that caused the entire neighborhood to sing Mario Lanza songs and had a sneaker robbed on the street by a priest that thought it looked just like the Virgin Mary and who wouldn’t let him have it back, but placed it instead in a sanctuary for old ladies to shake their beads at it. He has been arrested while on line at Wall-Mart for moving too slowly forward with his cart, been arrested for running up the aisles on an airplane during flight in a superhero costume, and for being impertinent to a traffic agent. He had become the new Secretary of State and made a 36-hour movie involving a single static shot of cheese. He swam to Tokyo from New York, and was once mistaken for Miley Cyrus while touring in Moscow (he is a actually a man in his mid-forties) and given the keys to the city. In other stories, my friend very happily married his hound dog, started a campaign against nighttime (according to him actually being only deadly black air), and programmed all the outdoor December displays in his neighborhood to perform dirty ditties about Santa Claus, caused the financial crisis. There are actually many more since this has been going on for a couple of years and my friend sometimes howls (like “leave my mother out of it.”), but he really loves that I do it. In the end, I guess you can’t really call this making fun of him. Sticking a pin into the tense air of his balloon is more like it, given how much he appreciates them.

Do I make fun of people? How can I say no when only this morning I saw the story about how 63% of Americans don’t accept Darwin’s theories and reacted by saying to the friends near me that I was so proud to have been a monkey once, because at least I had an excuse then to explain why there were so many knuckleheads around. I don’t attack people individually anymore though. If I get the urge, I always think they have enough troubles with my own waste of energy I would expend in adding to them for them.

No, never. Honestly, I don't.

And mine...

For some reason, when my sisters and I all make fun of our mother, she just laughs and laughs.

What do your hands say about you? (2/2/09)

2009-02-02T17:22:00.001-08:00

That I am older than I would like to believe.

i will have more children

Neat, clean, and soft. Vulnerable, and slightly crooked

Long graceful fingers...hint that I am artistic and musical.
The band on left ring finger reveals that I am married. The sparkly diamonds inset in the platinum band and no engagement ring should tell people I am well-loved but quite practical.
The heavy veins on the back of my hands give hint to my age (51) and that my hands well-used.
The very unpolished nails also should communicate that I am a no nonsense, active person.
The shattered thumb nail on the left, with the nail pulled away provides evidence that I play and fall hard.
The gash on my right thumb is from a ski edge. That reveals I was careless enough to ski without gloves...and I fell hard.
There are many small scars on knuckles...again, practical, no nonsense, earth mother type who like to get my hands dirty and doesn't bother with gloves in the garden...or anywhere else.
The callous under my ring finger on the palm says I've been married awhile.
There's a light tan on my hands even in the dead of winter...more evidence of an outdoorsy lifestyle.
My hands are also meticulously clean. I pay attention to details, but I don't bother with manicures. While my hands are decidedly feminine, they tell a story of a well rounded, athletic, artistic earth mother.

her showers are way too fucking long.

That I don't care enough for them.

They’re not talking to me right now. We have a continuing bv6ncdisagreement about the attractiveness of black shiny nail polish. Plus, in the melee that followed the shrieking, the left one scratched me and smacked my cheekbone. Whatever, I poured the polish remover down the toilet.

We are very attached to each other, but dammit, I am in charge here.

Strong, the hands of a mother, and a warrior chick.

I removed my gloves a wee bit early while applying henna several days ago,

That I'm older than I look

I actually have very sensitive hands. It embarrasses me to say so, but it's true.

That I spend more time in the office tapping away at a computer than being outside doing what I actually want to be doing.

That I have lived a long time (hence the dark freckles that weren't there 20 years ago); that I keep my nails looking nice; that they have served me well over the years, but are beginning to thicken around the knuckles. My skin is more wrinkled now than it used to be, but my hands still operate efficiently, especially for their age.

Durn, I didn't know they could talk with me!

I remember going to a palm reader in Berkeley when I was a teenager. He took one look at my hands and said, kind of startled, "Wow, you got a lot going on!"

I'm white.
I'm in my twenties.
I do not perform manual labor on a regular basis.
I play the piano, or should be playing the piano.
I don't care to get (or can't afford) a manicure
I had an allergic reaction to oysters last night and scratched like the dickens.

I need to drink more water moisturize.

I'm married. I don't get manicures regularly. I have soft skin. I'm graceful.

that i'm an old soul

That I can roll the craziest most outlandish blunts with ease

that I'm OCD and wash my hands too fucking much.

I have a medium sized penis. And I'm sensitive and play guitar.

My hands are very small, sweet and delicate, which, when clenched into fists, are akin to speeding bullets. (I learned this as a kid when I finally fought back against a bully.) Something about all that sums up my personality.

I've spent a lot of time in the sun, and forgot to moisturize.

Strength and kindness. Short and stubby, but strength and kindness :-).

They say, " Hard worker, and up and coming star hairstylist!"

That I am a carpenter, heading towards being a business person, and my hands aren't as tough as they used to be. And my left hand says that I am married.

I've never been very expressive with my hands. Words are my forte. I guess the most important things my hands have to say are when they are wrapped around a guitar.

My hands tell many a sad, sordid, brave, foolish and triumphant tales. They are a pair of my most valuable tools. They are scarred, bruised, cut and scabbed... I work with birds (there goes my anonymity ;o)) ... they serve as a perch, a cradle, a means to health and sometimes death. I sometimes hide them in embarrassment as they are not very feminine or attractive. Someone once told me, "I like your hands. They are used well." Mostly, I appreciate them!

Large v-shaped scar and a slight inability to straighten the third finger of my right hand says I had a seizure while scraping paint off a window and cut my finger down to the bone with the razor blade I was using. A three hour surgery and six months of physical therapy and hand restraints fixed it about 98%.

Small straight line scar on the left hand under the thumb says I went too fast with a box cutter while working in my dad's store as a teenager.

Calluses on the side and top of the right index finger and top of right middle finger say I work as a fiber artist and hold sewing needles, felting needles and crochet hooks a lot.

Lots of small scars all over my right lower hand and wrist say that I work with lots of unsocialized, scared rabbits from the shelter who tend to bite really hard.

The general smallness of my hands says that I was malnourished as a child.

Working man!

That I live with a kitty.

And mine...

One school of thought says I am a lesbian, based on the relative length of my first and ring fingers. The long nails and soft finger tips on my left hand say I haven't been playing guitar on a regular basis. Prominent veins say I am fair skinned and 40-something. Long, strong design of them say I am from good, Eastern European peasant stock. The lines apparently told two palm readers that I am a late bloomer. That I believe.

What attracts you? (1/26/09)

2009-01-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

passion and intensity... and perversity. :)

??

Magic.

??

Disaster

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Strength, integrity, compassion, flirtatiousness, confidence, humility, honesty, intellect, emotional intelligence, self awareness, creativeness, talent, skill, and a limitless sense of humor and open mindfulness.

??

Bath & beauty products on sale (especially if they're Lush) and bright glittery things.

??

big hairy legs

??

insanity, perfection, god. empty space. texture. trees and wind and blue sky. snowy slopes. the smell of indian food. intelligence. integrity and hard work. silliness. love. awareness. bright colors and good coffee. good art, music, writing. visions and dreams. those who have been through really difficult stuff. the truly innocent. various "genders". blond curly hair. etc.

??

vulnerability, someone's eyes, compassion, smile.....

??

I'm attracted by a need to know what happens next.

??

Light. The light in a soul, the light of an idea or creative spark, the light of nature. Bring it all to the light.

??

Shiny objects, quick movements and loud noises. Oh wait, maybe that's my daughter's attraction.

??

beauty, humor, intelligence

??

Happiness and health. Forward thinking.

??

Strength - of character, of mind, of body.

??

Shiny things, shiny people, open hearts, kind eyes, good rhythm guitar parts, books with simple covers, purple, the smell of coffee.

??

Spirituality, compassion, honesty, kindness, awareness, and silliness.

??

It used to be tall, dark and handsome men. Now: gentle rain, childrens laughter, fun with family & friends, singing classical music with my chorus, the list goes on.....

??

Sincerity ... honesty ... smile ... dark hair ... brown eyes ... nice butt ...

??

visually:colors that I like, red, blue, gold, lime green, hot pink, leopard print and sometimes just bright and shinny
tidiness but w/a lived in quality
physically: really nice skin, good hands, sense of humor, broad shoulders, and good smells
chocolate, the smell of food cooking or baking, the smell of grass
intellectually:good writing, good art, film making etc. people that can express themselves eloquently w/their hearts and minds connected
soul:peace and quiet, my family
My ego is attracted to compliments, complacency and other dangerous things

??

Honesty, Integrity, Compassion, Humility, Truthfulness.

??

Honor
Intelligence
Steadiness
Humor
Strength
Chemistry

??

Honesty, joy, energy, eyes wide open, big penises

??

Well, that's between me and all the guys I've kissed or slept with.

??

Honesty, piercing eyes, and a paralyzing wild side!

??

substance. gentleness. disclosure. discovery. muscles.
participation. swag. novelty. otherness. defiance. soft spots.
sadness. skill. curiosity. spoken words.

??

Colour. I am an artist and colour is like an addiction for me. Anything in jewel tones is - Mardi Gras beads, Chinese candy, embroidery thread, flowers. Especially flowers. I can't get enough of them.

??

My mind is in the gutter, so I won't answer this one.

??

rich texture, interesting form, vibrant color.

??

men pushing stollers and being tender with children; a man kneeling at the feet of his guru; a woman comfortable and at ease in her body.....like the many yoginis around this town; unexpected intelligence from someone I least expect.

??

A glimmer, a spark, a light, a star ...

Far away, maybe.

Or close by.

But there, somewhere.

??

I guess what attracts me at this stage of my life is a certain finesse for life. The ability to be sensitive to others but strong in one's own beliefs; being genuinely kind to others but not a sycophant. I still admire someone with true intelligence and talent and the knack for creating something beautiful or meaningful (on a variety of levels). I've also found that my attraction to women has grown broader as my need for companionship has grown. I can still appreciate a beautiful young women but the idea of a consort has passed generally out of that sphere. Although, a short skirt and fishnet hosiery still have a remarkable effect on my male psyche.

??

Why, you!

??

And mine...

Peace.

What's your message? (1/19/09)

2009-01-19T18:09:00.001-08:00

Live in the present, have hope for the future.

??

Experience, strength and hope...

??

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside...

Oh wait, that's Whitney Houston's message! what was I thinking?

Lighten up. that's my message du jour.

and as they say, tomorrow's another jour.

??

No More Mister Nice Gay. I am officially fighting for work, money, and--oh yeah--equal rights.

??

smile. breathe. relax. compassion. acceptance. peace.

also, when you are in control of your emotions, you are in control of the situation

??

"you gain courage, strength and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along...." and you must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt

??

Whatever you're doing, have fun with it.

??

opportunity knocked on my door today I was laid off done with the interior design profession going back to school to become a registered nurse

??

service always, and always in the service of love.

??

Listen, validate, feel, experience, and respond with love.

??

Try and look at the world through God's eyes and try to remember that all I need to do in every situation is love...

??

Be grateful for what you have.

??

Its a fact ... no matter how good things are going ... or how bad ... things WILL change.

??

Change is the only constant. So continue to inhale and exhale. This too shall pass.

??

Be good

??

Stop being so uptight and enjoy things more!

??

It changes with my mood.

??

Offer everyone the benefit of the doubt, and accept everyone for who they are.

??

set your intentions

??

Life is a ball; So let's play ball and have some fun!

??

Just be yourself. Like they used to tell you in elementary school. Except I've found that it's the only solution. To be honest about who you are, and be yourself in every situation, despite how uncomfortable or weird it makes you feel. Because it's totally, totally worth it.

??

(chant to the tune of the military's "Left, Left, Left, Right, Left")

Praise, Praise, Praise & Blame
Have no fear you can make a mistake
Failure's an option you can take

Fame, Fame, Ignomy & Fame
You're all right the way you are
Even if you're not a star

Pain, Pain, Pleasure & Pain
Sukkha is sweet and dukkha ain't
Meditate when you think you cain't

Loss, Loss, Loss & Gain
You could lose this, or gain that
Either way you're still where you're at

??

None. The idea that I have anything to say to anybody, or that anybody has anything to say to me, is absurd. Not interested in what we say, but how we say: it ain't the message, it's the medium. Golly! How PoMo.

??

Chill out people! Don't be in such a hurry, relax a little when you are out in the public. We are all neighbors, so lets try to treat one another with a little more respect.

??

Oh, I've had a really bad week and I feel a rant coming on......I have two messages. The first is regards people who sit around complaining about the world, but never lift a finger to change anything. I am really tired of people coming to me with their problems, expecting me to fix them, because they are too lazy or too apathetic or too spoiled to make the effort, and they know me as someone who cares and who gets things done. People like me who are trying to make changes in the world are overburdened right now and could use all the help we can get. So...next time you think something should be changed - don't just tell your friend who you think will do all the work for you. Your friend is busy fixing all the other people's problems who have come to him/her, and he/she would really like you to take some responsibility and fix your own.

Yes, I know it's hard to change the world. So don't change the world. Just change your backyard. Literally. If you are concerned about the loss of habitat for native species, put in a backyard native plants garden. Or change your street. Or your town. If you really feel ambitious, you could change your state!! If everyone just did something small about the problems and issues that disturb them, not only would people like me be less burdened, but the world would be so much improved. It really is not as hard to make changes and improve things as people think, it's just that most people use the ideas that "It's too hard", "I don't know how", "you can't fight city hall" as excuses...because they just don't want to be bothered and it's easier to tell someone else and hope that they'll fix things.

No wonder America is such a mess.

My second message is this: Dostoevsky was right - beauty will change the world. There is so much hostility, anger, ugliness in this world, and especially our society, that I really feel anyone who puts anything of beauty, goodness or kindness into this world is a revolutionary. Whether it's creating street art, leaving poems on your restaurant table with your tip, or just smiling at people on the street once in awhile, the world needs these revolutionary acts. We need to find our beauty and kindness again.

And one more thing - don't be afraid of being seen as a pleasantly harmless wacko. There are worse things in life (like being seen as a lazy, spoiled apathetic whiner!!)

??

Don't sleep on a mattress you found on the street, don't order Chinese food in Oklahoma, and don't have sex with anyone crazier than yourself.

??

The darkness is all around us. It is hard to look without seeing evil or
greed distorting the world we live in. Finally the crush comes and we find
ourselves or our family or our loved ones or close friends caught in the
flood of events and drowning in a great pool of sorrow. And we ask
ourselves, "What is the purpose of life?," and we struggle to move on. But
the big question is not how much time do I have left, rather, the question
is what can I do with the time I am here.
Remember that in the darkest hour of night, at the center of the cataclysm
of crashing truths, at the end of all things there is one item left in the
box. One thing that remains when the fury of Pandora spreads to the four
corners of the earth, there is one sword that cuts all the bonds of
despair, has no foundation in logic no basis in reason, resides only within
a brief wave of universal grace.
There is always hope.

??

And mine....

I teach people how to treat me.

How's the economy affecting you? (1/12/09)

2009-01-19T18:08:00.000-08:00

More than anything is is causing an air of panic and depression in most
people. Negative energy spreads just as infectiously as positive energy and
so I find myself isolating more rather than being around all the bad energy.

??

I'm lucky to still have my job, so my day-to-day finances haven't been affected much. But I'm in my fifties, and my 401K has been hit hard (like everyone's), so I wonder if I'll be able to retire as early as I had once hoped.

??

It is giving me the opportunity to trust my HP...

??

My savings were cut by 65-70% of their original value.
way less taxis, eating out. let go for now the idea of moving from apt. to a house. cut netflix down to lowest subscription rate. let all magazine subscriptions lapse. this month will probably take toddler out of private pre-k and quit gym.

??

Like anything that the media gets hold of, I tend to ignore most of it. They are too good at blowing things up into something we should be VERY AFRAID of, instead of just another of many problems that need solving. I pretty much just stay put and keep that melodramatic crap out of my aura.

??

Minimally at the moment. Although, I am having to contribute more money for family support.

??

FINANCIAL INSECURITY. I've been unable to find new work...either contracts for my consulting business or regular employment. My youngest son, who works in retail, has had his hours slashed and can't make his rent. My oldest son (married with 2 children) had to move out of his "country estate" in MariettaGA and relocated his family to a much more modest home in Connecticut. His business (brokering venture capital deals) has all but dried up. My husband's company has already had one round of layoffs and his major client just filed for bankruptcy (the world's 3rd largest chemical company). I know that "this too shall pass" but it's gonna pass like a kidney stone. I think we'll come out of this with our values more realistic and our egregious consumption habits curtailed. So, on one hand I feel like this may be good for us (like really bad tasting medicine), on the other I have moments of fear and trepidition and I worry for those less well off then we. I am making a conscious effort to share more and waste less.

??

so far (fingers crossed) not too much has changed for me, but I feel the anxiety leaking through. I feel like I "should" be more spendthrift and make better financial choices "just in case"

??

I am staying afloat, as a bar tender, I use to make about 80. per day shift. Not a bad deal, living off of 80. a day is doable, collecting an hourly check at the end of the month, rent and small bills paid, it's not much but it's enough. Now, I am making any where from 10. to 30. per day...and I am starting to feel the effect. No new clothes, no nice dinners, no big spending. I find that, one day at a time, I can still afford my yoga class, I can still find myself to work, I can still eat descent...rolling with the punches. The worse part about the economy is not being able to save money for liberating activities...such as enrolling in to a full semester, or traveling to India...

??

I work in sales, and just finished my 1st year. It's already tough
enough without people having no money for extra stuff. I see stores
closing down overnight. But I am gonna survive, thanks to rent
control. I am also distracting myself with work and school.

??

My 401K has plummetted, I don't even check it anymore. One of the places where I teach dance has had to limit the amount of days that they are open, so I couldn't accomodate them in my schedule. My boyfriends 401K which would have allowed us a better downpayment on a home has been reduced by almost half, so we have to save like maniacs. At least my job is pretty secure. As far as being a first time home buyer, I'm hoping the real estate market plummets further, good for me!

??

Worry
Stress
Extra careful with spending
Have cut back drastically
Doing more myself which is OK to ne honest, just a bit tiring

??

Not at all, in the ways that really matter. I'm grateful that my job is secure and that my pay is predictable. I'm well aware that I'm probably in the minority because quite a few around me are not so fortunate.

Some of the things that I do by choice, fundraising in particular, are affected by the economy but that seems like a luxury problem to me.

??

Still poor.

??

I have been reduced to 20 hours a week and my pay has been cut in 1/2 at my current job thank god they did not cut my medical benefits - due to my reduced income I need to move out of my apartment in san francisco sad sad and move in with my mom in Alameda. I suppose I can take this as an opportunity for growth.

??

I am going into foreclosure, might not be able to finance the last 6 months of school, have to borrow money from people who don't have it.

Does that answer the question.......

??

I haven't worked since the end of October. I'm going to school, so it's nice to just focus on that, but I could use the money...Also, I'm buying a LOT less "stuff."

??

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad...it has decimated my 401k.....i'm hemorrhaging cash, with a sib who is unemployed and in need, and a loved one who also finds herself unemployed just when she needs it most (within sight of the finish of her phd.).....an outrage and an at times uncontrollable anger at the mythic levels of the lies and theft of America by the Oligarchy (when account is finally taken, how much, how many hundreds of billions do you think they'll find Dubya and Cheney and their posse took with them?)....despair

??

It should be... but I'm still spending like there's no tomorrow. Maybe there won't be?

??

it's forcing me to think of alternatives to prepare myeelf for the worse

??

I so resonated when I heard someone say his 401K had become a 201K. However, I don't have to start dipping into mine just yet. I'm still employed and the prognosis is good as far as I can tell. I'm out of credit card debt (which is a very good thing). As long as I keep both my feet and my head in today, I'm OK.

??

Not at all thankfully still in tact with both jobs keeping fingers crossed

??

Are you kiding me!? Meds, bills, or food on the table. That, is the question!

??

more than ever I'm grateful to have a job -- even though it's corporate!

??

Not sure, but I just got back from a three week tour of Brazil and the dollar is better down there. I have work for about 5 weeks, and then I don't know!!

??

It hasn't quite hit us personally yet. My husband is a biology professor and in times of financial stress, many people go back to school to learn new skills....so enrollment is up and his job seems to be ok. I'm an artist and things are as precarious as ever, so I haven't noticed a change. It's always a struggle for us creative types...We have always lived very close to the bone so honestly nothing has really changed.

One thing I have noticed is that the number of animals dumped at our local shelter is way up. In times of financial stress, many people decide they can no longer afford the family pet. It's very sad.

??

To steal a line ... "where my money at?" Or rather... I need to get a job.

But there's a lot of emptiness as well - empty storefronts, empty wallets, dreams ... money only goes so far. It is necessary though, a necessity that too many people do not have.

??

I work freelance at the same type of work for 16 years now. I've always made 15 - 20% of my annual income in December. This December my work was down about 60%. I have been concerned.

On the other hand I wasn't burned or stressed out, messed or F'd up, bitter or hateful from overworking. A little fearful, yes, but so far I'm okay.

I think God as We Misunderstand Her is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves and tearing down the whole decrepit structure. I don't claim to know reasons or solutions and I comprehend people suffer. But something has to give.

??

well, so far not that badly. The most noticible difference is that I do ad sales for a non-profit film festival and I'm at about half of what I sold by this time last year and I think I will probably do a lot of barter.
I live in a small community so while my financial status is for the moment ok, I notice and am affected by other peoples economic misfortune much more than when I lived in a city. If a store closes it leaves and a hole and a need that is not filled. If someone who provided a service for the community has to leave for financial reasons that service goes undone.

??

Although I can pretty much deal with most of the rising prices and my job is pretty secure (I'm not big enough to save anybody money by firing me yet my job is still important), it affects me on a basic emotional level to see so much financial destruction going on to my friends and others who have been hit really hard. It is particularly distressing to witness the unrepentant greed which drives those who already have a great deal of money as they take for themselves, rip off their friends, damage their local communities and literally take bread out of the mouths of those who are at the mercy of society with no sense of remorse or conscience at all. A recent poll indicated that those on hard times are much more likely to reach out to the poor and struggling than those who have everything they need. I guess you have to have a heart to feel it in others.

??

And mine...

I've applied for a city job and it looks like I'll get it, after months of test taking and hoop jumping. It was supposed to start in February. Now, I'm told, it likely won't start till June. Every time I hear on the radio about the California budget deadlock, I get really pissed off. I don't know that it's directly affecting my position, but it's having an effect.

In the mean time, i am working for a non-profit, and that's fine. But I really need to get work that is going to pay my basic expenses, which this job does not. They are trying to cut corners everywhere they can, and so will not hire me on a permanent basis at a wage I can live on.

I've been sick for the last 4 days. Luckily, this has fallen on a long weekend. The idea that I'll have to miss any work tomorrow (which I'm sure I will) is stressful. And stress makes it harder to heal. and healing is what I need to do so I can go back to earning money.

Urgh.

A Reminder

2009-01-07T00:02:00.001-08:00

How do you play? (1/5/09)

2009-01-05T17:20:00.003-08:00

Photo by Steve Scotten

What do you assume? (12/28/08)

2009-01-05T17:20:00.001-08:00

Nothing when I'm honest

??

I assume that I am unassuming.

??

I assume that most people are incapable of being honest with themselves.

??

That she will always take me back

??

far too much.

??

i try not to, but if i think about it, i guess all that we may correctly assume is that we are all going to die.

??

you don't ever assume. bc to assume would only make an "ass out of u & me"

??

Usually the worst, and that everybody is thinking of me. Its a real pain in the ass, gets old quick.

??

That it would be okay to take about a thousand years to answer a qotw with no repercussions for not answering before.

??

the love and support of my family.
if i don't drink i won't get drunk.
if i write it, it will be good.

??

That I am sane.

??

I have recently learned.....yet again, to assume nothing, have no expectations and I won't suffer.......sort of sucks feeling like you can't have expectations, huh

??

absolutely nothing.
I also take nothing for granted.

??

That I won't be hit by a bus before my plans come to fruition

??

way too much

??

Good intention

??

too often i mistakenly assume that the rest of the world understands things the way i do. that can be very frustrating. but generally i'm lucky enough to have a friend close by that will kindly observe this and remind me of what i'm doing so that i can snap out of it.

i also assume that things will continue changing for the better. a source of both frustration and hope, depending on the day.

??

that the sun will rise tomorrow

??

Well, I assumed that prop 8 would be defeated and that people everywhere would cast a no vote to ensure marriage equality for all legal adult tax paying citizens. Afterall, this is 2008 and society has advanced, so I thought. Hindsight shows me that I was extremely naive. Also, I assumed that since we live in a "free market capitalistic society" that corporate bailouts were unfathomable. Gee was I ever wrong, on both accounts.

??

Way too much and I always get in trouble when I assume something and don't check in w/the other people involved.

??

Hmmmm. Pretty much the same as last week's answer. Sunrise, sunset will happen. Gravity is pretty regular, too. I assume that I know less and more than I think I do. I assume that I will get "it" wrong sometimes...and sometimes I will get it right. Nothing but the laws of nature as I understand them are "guaranteed" ... then there's the whole Big Bang or an asteroid that could fuck all that up, too. So...I assume change is inevitable.

??

Very little, for as the saying goes, to assume is to make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."

However, when someone holds a glass toward me and I have a bottle of wine in my hand, I do assume they would like some more. And I assume when I hold out my glass to someone who is holding a bottle that they will in kind do the honors.

Oh, and I assume I will never get a seat on the underground during rush hour. Even if one is available, I do not enjoy fighting through the crowd when my stop comes up, so I stand near the door. Luckily I get off the train at the first stop the doors open on the opposite side as when I boarded, so I am never blocking anyone's entrance or exit. That being said, YOU may assume I have impeccable MUNI manners.

Happy New Year!!!

??

I assume nothing for nothing is guaranteed.

??

Ok, I know this sounds Pollyanna-ish, but I assume that on some level every single person is deserving of love. Every human being has some part of them that is lovable, even if it is a very small and deformed and messed up part that is very difficult to see. I confess that I feel like I have to make this assumption in part just to keep my sanity. Otherwise most of the people I deal with on a daily basis would drive me to become an ax murderer!

I also assume that the injured and battered animals I rescue and rehabilitate are destined to have a long, healthy life, a wonderful home and a happy ending. I'm glad to say that about 95% of the time, this is actually what happens.

??

The position.

??

The worst

??

that, though hard to relate to, that people here in san francisco actually elected obama and want for him to go to washington, to turn the country to a scary place, and that, again, though the men here in san francisco all seem to be concerned with how 'gay' will effect or be affected, that they aren't actually expecting to have gay sex as a law in Creation. and that, finally, that sun in the sky, brighter than any indirect eyes have ever beheld, won't dupe us all and send something more exact.
that i'm funny, talented, and not dead.
that my soulmate and i are with Jesus.
and that he still has all the water in the grand canyon wiaiting for me.
to do something with.
that 'us' has to be some joke.
and that the nigger is not the greatest way to look at the menu.

??

After I die will be nothing like I thought.

??

And mine...

This too shall pass.

What makes sense? (12/21/08)

2008-12-21T22:17:00.001-08:00

What is your gift? (12/14/08)

2008-12-14T23:02:00.001-08:00

It was a watch from Coach, but she said, "I like it, I don't love it," so we exchanged it today for another one.

??

My gift is connecting people with books, ideas, thoughts, other
persons, jobs. I am a matchmaker.

??

one of many founded on kali and sobriety is meditation, which is described wonderfully by my teacher's teacher here http://www.jikoji.org/Kobun/aspects.html

??

I make people laugh

??

this I've been told all my life is my gift: a capacity to be present, listen, and engage with people in a way that is extraordinary both in how effortless it is to me and in how deeply reassuring it is to others. I seem to truly "see" people, and often they bask in that seeing.

that, and the man I'm dating says I'm a great kisser. yeeha.

and I can make one of hell of a chocolate cake.

OK so that's three, but I never claimed that brevity was one of my gifts!

??

the ability to see in a new way on a daily basis.

??

Transmutation.

??

Parallel parking
??

my experience strength and hope and my ability to
transcend

??

perseverance, patience, and resilience that have gotten me through the ugliest of times. those gifts have come in pretty handy.

??

Personally, I think my gift is the ability to see all sides of a
situation, and to approach things with a detached sense of humor.
Relatedly, I think the gift of compassion is the greatest gift people
can give, and something that we're all capable of, and I would love to
hone this in myself!

??

being alive

??

The music in my soul - I got the music in me!

??

The one I recieve: coffee in bed with handmade cards

The one I give: my time, my love, my advice (sometimes unwanted)

My gifts are love

??

my teacher

??

Perception (when I'm conscious).

??

helping others to connect to the divine......and being a good listener.

??

The one that was given to me is my ability to live some kind of life in each gender, without feeling pressured to stay rooted in one or the other. I may not want to do that the rest of my life, but it's been an eight year vacation so far.

The gift I give is my own understandings about why we go to extremes, if and when we do.

??

The crazier the situation, the calmer I am

??

Insatiable thirst for knowledge.

??

Being here

??

The ability to heal sick animals, and my quirky and eccentric art.

??

My gift to others is love and respect. for myself, love and life!

??

Endurance / stamina. I have an amazing capacity to labor until the job is done and done right.

??

My life

??

I have a profound and apparently inexhaustible propensity to bullshit eloquently.

??

My smart ass answers aren't funny enough so I'll give you the heartfelt one -- a useful life of the spirit. Happy Solstice, all!

??

And mine...

Asking.
Seeing blind spots.
Writing on the sidewalk.

Who do you let hurt you? (12/7/08)

2008-12-07T22:24:00.001-08:00

i think nobody except me. I allow myself to hurt me, and when I allow others that is the same thing, really.

??

No one

??

Aw, dudette, I misread that question. I thought you asked "what" i let hurt me. can i have a redo?

"Who do you let hurt you?":

Whoever's in the mirror when I want to hurt myself.

??

people I admire, love or in power with my pay check

??

The A-hole drivers out there, that drive with there heads up their ass. They rob me of my serenity. And I usually end up hurting myself more than anyone else. I even almost lost a finger on the table saw! I still haven't forgiven myself for that one.

??

My mother. It takes too much time, effort, and anger to try and stop her.

??

Me , Myself, and I.

I am unlearning what I learned early in life. I internalized myriad negative messages and then believed the lies and then allowed myself to experience marginalization. Now I am externalizing , exposing, and relinquishing the old messages and converting that energy into a positive force on the planet thru writing, recovery, and telling the truth. Unfortunately, I'm still at the effect of self-harm along the way.

??

This week, God.......

??

My adult children...I force myself to remain open and available to them. I do have firm boundaries about $ and assistance, but that doesn't stop me from hurting watching them struggle. The serenity prayer helps a lot.

??

those i love

??

My roller derby teammates. When they hit me hard I'm happy 'cause I know it makes us both better players. I'm proud of my bruises.

??

After Prop. 8, no one and nothing ever again.

??

Cigarettes, drugs, and easy women

??

people from my past. it's hard to reunite with people who knew very different sides and aspects of you and not let old patterns replay, even though in present time it's kind of, well, gone...

??

My passivity.

??

no one

??

boyfriends

??

Myself more than anyone else. Self sabotage is a dangerous thing!

??

my cat can scratch me and i love her desperately anyway.

??

I try very hard not to let anyone hurt me, but you know what they say about the ones you love and love you!

??

The nurse who zaps my soon-to-be-former tattoo with a Q-switched YAG laser.
That's pretty much it, at least physically.
I'm working on the emotional piece, but sometimes some pain gets through there too.

??

I'm not sure about "letting" anyone hurt me; tho everyone is free to try of they so desire.

??

it's not hurt. it's trying harder than hell not to remember.

??

Oh gosh, it's all about my frame of mind. In a good one, I'm so objective, I take nothing personally, and I worry only about my own feelings and behavior (even when sometimes they need to be pointed out to me in order for me to know them).

In a bad frame of mind, everything's about me, and everyone can hurt me, everyone can trigger a barrage of doubt and self-loathing.

I'm embarrassed that so many years of therapy, sobriety, studying and working in psychology/psychoanalysis/human development/relationships, and I still can't quite figure out what puts me in a bad frame of mind and what puts me in a good one.

??

I'd like to think NO ONE ... but in my heart I know ... anyone who 'wants' to hurt me ... can

??

Me. Sad but true. Not mentally, or in a physical way most might think of, but by sabotaging my own goals on becoming a healthier person. I'm working on it, though, and getting better all the time :-).

??

Too many people. My vulnerability knows no bounds....

??

That which hurts. Trying to protect my true feelings is spiritual suicide.

??

The new, the unknown, the not experienced. Isn't pain a lesson one learns from, not to do that again. Makes me think of a quote by Mark Twain, that I paraphrased:

Paraphrasing Twain

A man who
carries a cat

carries it
by the tail
learns a very
valuable lesson

Chances are
he will carry
nary a cat
that way again

But if he wants to
I say let him
it's not easy
to be eccentric

??

I'm very careful around the people whom I care about so I give them very little opportunity to hurt me, even if I thought they would. My ex-wife has some of that power left but it wains with each passing year and with every argument we have over what to do about kids, etc. And once the boys are legal age, I don't expect to have much communication with her at all. I really don't like her very much any more and that reduces her power to hurt me. My family of origin lives far away and I rarely hear from them and that, in general, hurts me a little. It seems because I moved away to a different place, I have all of the responsibility of keeping in touch. My parents are dead so they have lost the ability to hurt me.
When it comes down to it, I am the one who hurts myself the worst and the most often. I am incredibly hard on myself on a number of levels. I have convinced myself that I am a social loser and that hurts every aspect of my life. I long for things that I fear I will never have and that hurts me. I seem unable to accept myself for what I am, which others may say is a decent sensitive person. But I shun that and so suffer probably the the worst hurt possible at my own hands.

??

And mine...

People with whom I share a lot of love.

What do you hide? (12/1/08)

2008-12-07T22:18:00.000-08:00

my hideous consumption of cheddar jack cheez-its

??

the answer of the week...

??

My shame.

??

My true self to people that pay me my pay check

??

i hide hiding

??

My age, My weight, My.....wait a minute; I'll shut up now. I'm in hiding...

??

i don't. i just can't find the right kind of view for whats inside. picture this; your wife is having your first child. suddenly the doctor, a 'scientist', decides that this particular birth isn't necessary relative to his findings. both mother and child die.
now picture having the time capsule that gets you back there, however.
wouldn't you hide that?

??

I hide my self deprivation by surrounding myself with lovely things......lovely fragrances, flowers, artwork, antiques, and lovely foods. While the abundance of lovliness is pleasing, it also colludes with my denial.

??

my comic book collection from my 3 year-old

??

I am quite transparent...albeit selectively. I am careful with whom I share my vulnerabilities. So I guess it's safe to say I hide my insecurities and vulnerabilities from people I don't trust or know well enough to yet confide in. With those close to me, I am slow to admit when depression settles in. The primary characteristic of depression for me today is that I isolate. My communications by email become very clipped. I'm just flat and I lose vigor for life and relationships. I have learned to trudge pretty well, however. And then it gets better (with meds).

??

Unfortunately I think I hide my true inner self from a lot of people. It's a safety thing I guess. Probably pretty common these days. But those I'm closest with, I make the effort to let go and just be there.

??

My ineptitude.

??

On a material level - I inherited my great aunt's engagement ring which has a vvs1 diamond worth about $4400. I treasure it not just because of the value, but because it was given to Aunt Mary by her beloved Harry who was a trumpet player in a swing band. I have this ring well-hidden in my house, although once in awhile I wear it to the local coffeehouse just for goofs. Everyone thinks it's a cubit zirconium.

On a physical level - I have epilepsy, which I very seldom tell people. There is such a stigma against seizure disorders in this country that I have found it's better not to let people know. To tell people is to risk losing jobs, friendships, opportunities of all kinds....

On an emotional level, I hide that I am a survivor of child abuse and neglect. Children of abuse are conditioned by their abusers not to tell anyone what is happening, to keep what is going on a secret no matter what. This conditioning is so intense that it is hard to break, even as an adult. I have also found that society tends to see survivors of abuse as "damaged goods", and I do not wish to be seen that way.

By the way, lest you think my life is depressing...I'm actually very happy and have a great life these days!

??

My fat.

??

10 Health Problems
9 Age
8 Baldness
7 My disorganization
6 Sexual attraction
5 Wisdom
4 Joy
3 Anger
2 Frustration
1 Sadness

??

I couldn't possibly comment

??

My shame

??

Extreme procrastination. It's a source of deep shame and anguish to me, and I can't convey the depths of it to friends and family even if they want to know about it. It doesn't affect my professional life, so it appears that all's well. As long as I work with other people, I know I'll come through.

If it's my personal life, it's another story. It's what it must be like to be a secret alcoholic. I don't have stacks of newspapers completely filling my house, but I seem to have the mental /psychic equivalent of that condition. Everyone I know has some problem with this issue, so I know I'm not unique. But my abuse of it may be. I'm grateful that I'm not looking at this from my rocking chair in a retirement home. I have a new CD out, and it'll force me to take some action.

??

My vulnrability. From God.
And then I don't. And things get better.

??

The cat treats.

??

wouldn't YOU like to know

??

I don't hide anything anymore. I leave it all in the open. If you learn something new, that's good. If you take something, itwasn't really mine to start off with...

??

Too much of my true self. There's a fear that I will be rejected if you knew the "real me." I'm getting better at accepting myself. Working the 12 Steps has helped with that a lot, but the old ideas are deeply ingrained and hard to eradicate. I do find, as I get older, I'm less shy about speaking my mind about some things. However, the basic shyness remains.

??

not much. I am transparent. you can read my emotions on my face. I wear my distress visibly. sometimes I try to hide my addiction, but even that leaks through. I don't have any secrets. even the things I am deeply ashamed of, are known by many. sometimes I feel raw, exposed, vulnerable, like the whole world knows every detail of me.

??

my stomach (I HATE bikinis)
my true feelings, sometimes appropriately, sometimes not
my insecurity and belief that I have failed somehow, some old idea of success in my head

??

If I told you, it wouldn't be hidden! Suffice it to say, I have a rock-solid vault with all sorts of things protected.

??

I had a face lift. It embarrasses me that I am so superficial and vain.

??

My knees

??

in the right company, my misery!

??

The fact that I'm broke. Because I dress well (cheap vintage, real cheap, just bought a skirt for a penny, seriously) people would never know.

??

My love for midget porn

??

The fact that, even at my age, I am not comfortable or very successful around women and I still masturbate a lot.

??

I hide anything that will make me look bad. I could tell you what those are, but then I would have to hurt you.

??

I keep a fair amount of cash (by my standards) inside a book called "The Joy of Signing," so if you break into my apartment, that's what you should look for -- that and my Fender Vibrolux amp, which is behind some suitcases and boxes.

That's all I'll say.

??

And mine...

Used to be my cellulite. But now that so many people compliment me on my butt, and they don't see it, I don't pay much attention.

What makes someone credible? (11/23/08)

2008-12-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

Deeds.

??

Harvard.

??

honesty - within themselves.

??

A history of truth-telling and body language.

??

Someone is credible when their words match their actions. In professional life, education, experience, and training are also important elements to credibility. I wanna know you've walked the walk. Credibility is bolstered by healthy curiosity, asking for clarification, and not simply pontificating. Time in the saddle helps, too. Anyone can be an "instant expert" thanks to the internet. So...time, consistency, and demonstrable knowledge are all important aspects of credibility.

??

Look at them in the eyes.

??

Honesty. And kindness.

??

Excellent common sense
Compassion
Good intention
Big picture thinker
A good mind

??

NO lies and a big heart

??

Integrity of character.

??

What makes someone credible? ... their actions ... what they do and how they do it ... and the consistency with which those actions occur. Credibility comes with time intermixed with continuous displays of consistent actions ... that creates trustworthiness. If all these are consistent with ones intentions ... that person is credible to you.

??

a firm handshake and eye contact.

??

by the actions they demonstrate. one has credibility by demonstrating their word. show me, don't tell me is my philosophy.......and i'll strive to do the same.

??

Bright red lipstick, a happy-happy right-wing attitude, and $150,000 duds from Nemian Marcus and Saks.

Oh wait, that only made the Sarah Palin phenonemen all the more incredible. It didn't add one iota to her credibility.

How about this: humility.

??

True transparency. S/he who has nothing to hide hides nothing.

??

Follow-through. I go by what a person does, not by what they say

??

To gain credibility one must be consistently trust worthy (to trust is to follow through on one's word, to be honest and live life with a sense of integrity which requires an awareness of self and as a result the awareness of actions effecting the relation to others in society.) and secondly, a person has credibility with me if the person is an expert in the Field of a subject. Usually a person with this credibility has the following characteristics which earns my respect: he/she is completely devoted almost like a purists to his/her Field of study/subject/interest. All other interests are a distant second. The person remains teachable with in his/her Field, always open to new information. ex. Like a music writer/critic. who's whole life is devoted to the cultivation of music in every genre, every Field, and the writer's life from the moment the writer was mature enough to understand music had been devoted to the subject of sound and what makes sound produce harmony. He knows every name, every movement, every historical detail both insignificant and profound, he is constantly moving with the times always teachable and open to the flow of sound and it's producers, instruments, vessels and creators, the writer has music down to a science and as a scientist never fully draws a conclusion but offers up evidence for the reader to consider while they make their own hypothesis. if some thing is classic it becomes law to him, he uses his doubt to learn and trace his research objectively and artistically until his piece is molded into gold from hard trial and error and also from sourcing crucial yet vast amounts of information ( following keenly the subject with the air of a person who's reputation and career dependent upon it) for the evidence to his artful conclusion. The most crucial component to the writer's career is his credibility.
Credibility can be fluid. One can be credited with being uncreditable. Every person who's lived long enough to have ownership over baggagge has credibility in some thing. How does your society trust you? What does your society trust you with? What does your people believe about you the way they have faith that the sun will rise again tomorrow?

??

The past is always a good indicator of the future.

??

1. Looking like they care about their appearance.
2. Acting with confidence -- steady eye contact, easy smile, firm handshake.

These things are superficial, but I think they contribute more to credibility than anything of substance, at least with initial impressions.

??

When a person is telling you something that you don't want to hear, it's probably true; it means they're not just another bullshitter feeding you the candy everyone supposedly wants. On the other hand, if someone is raising their voice and passionately lecturing on something, I often imagine that their words are true, but mostly for themselves, so they should just be talking to a mirror instead. Lately I've been noticing that people I initially thought were weird were really pretty cool and they struck me that way because they're very different and have broken out of the mold. They're credible, but only if you let them be themselves and don't project the "shoulds" onto them. I think the most important thing about "credibility" is to realize that everyone has their own way.

Like most amazing things
It's easy to miss and easy to mistake
For when things are really great
It just means everything's in its place

??

Their own personal state of sanity.

??

consistency

??

Being consistent, fair, reasonable, and acting with a slice of empathy. Oh, yeah, don't lie. Ever.

It's kind of ironic that the question this week asks about credibility. My boyfriend was just accused at work of being dishonest - his manager told him that he has "no confidence in [my boyfriend's] honesty." Boyfriend is devastated. He does everything by the book and makes no exceptions.

??

Rigorous honesty, even when it's uncomfortable, unpopular, or dangerous. Someone who is true to their word. Someone who is knowledgeable and well informed, and doesn't pretend to know if they don't.

??

For me personally, no one is credible unless I have known them for a long time and found them to be an honest and level-headed person. Things that point to a credible person for me are: someone who does not exaggerate situations, who does what they promise to do, who is honest and up front about situations, who has some knowledge or area of expertise that they are not rigid or dogmatic about. With that said, I depend a lot on my heart and my gut to tell me if someone is credible....

??

when there's no more juxtapositioning general opinions surrounding said person via others

??

Their heart and their willingness to adapt

??

their actions. consistency in words and action.

??

credible: offering reasonable grounds for being believed.

Since I rarely believe anything I'm told (or these days, any picture I see) the only thing that supports credibility is my own independent research. It I do accept something at face value, it's probably because it is not important enough to me to investigate and appears to have minimal, if any, impact on my life. If someone tells me it does impact my life and I have enough respect for said person's opinion, then I will most likely investigate enough to see what the situation is.

??

multiple moments of integrity.

??

If I believe them!

??

And mine...

I usually use my instincts to discern credibility.

Who do you protect? (11/16/08)

2008-11-17T20:00:00.001-08:00

I believe in deep deep surrender and deep deep love.
Protection is the root of the problem.
I will support EVERYONE I love. But I will not protect them.
Ok, if a meteor was coming to hit my step sister, I'd push her out of the way.
Or if a bus was going to hit my mother, I'd... well, probably push her out of the way.
And, ok, if people are being jerks to my friends or family, I will step in and say something.
But a LOT of the time, I think "protection" is a subtle form of codependency.
It is not my job to stop someone else's growth process by "protecting" them from it.
In the Sufi way, they say "What's IN the way IS the way." And I believe it.

But perhaps I misunderstand the question.
Peace and blessings...

??

My privacy. Which is silly, cuz I usually blurt out everything compulsively.

??

My cat.

??

A daddys gurl turned in2 a boy. this boy is starting 2 bcome a man. the man will hopefully b a good father.
=findin common ground

??

I protect myself and my boundries daily via prayers for angel protection; one of the things I ask for is to be kept safe from internal and external harm. I also protect others including friends and family via prayer. ultimately, god/ goddess/ universe is the great protector.....but I do ask that my prayers and practice be of benefit to all beings.

??

the ones who need it most

??

I am very protective over my dogs......very are very protective to me, so where even.

??

anyone who lives authentically, door to door. they are the only ones in danger of the world. as fact, danger of leaving the world for the larger pastures. i wish we could all protect this between us. but how do you protect something and set it free at the same time? i protect the little rat inside of me called Jesus.

??

My sister ... my nieces/nephews ... my friends ... and most of all, my Yorkies and myself.

??

No one, nothing comes to mind. I care for people and things...but "protect" seems an overstatement. I guess I protect my grandbabies from the risks of gravity and ingestion. I try to prepare my step-son for the emotional rigors of middle school. My two adult sons...I can't seem to do anything to protect them from themselves. Kinda like watching a slow motion train wreck sometimes....I don't like it, but I've learned to keep my counsel until they ask for it. I find in trying to "protect" people it's usually from themselves and they usually end up resenting any "help" and villifying or blaming the helper. I had a German Shepherd for 13 years. Now SHE knew how to protect people. I'll leave protecting to the experts.

??

My daughter and husband.

??

Myself, sometime wisely, sometimes not so wisely.

??

my family
newcomers

??

I am extremely protective of all those close to me whom I love. This can present a problem of feeling completely useless when something awful happens to someone that you are very close with. This summer I lost a very good friend and room mate in a complete "accident". He was hit by a car while jogging a few blocks from our house. He was taken from me, his family, his dreams, his hopes, his life, and there was nothing I could have done to protect him. It really is screwed up to love someone so much and feel worthless when they are caused harm. What is the use of love so deep if it can't protect them from harm.
"the gods who role the dice,
their hearts as cold as ice -
and someone way down here
loses someone dear...."

??

I protect my love, my friends, my family, my privacy, and my rights!

??

anonymity

??

The Runnicles!

??

I had to think about this one. I don't protect myself these days very much: I leave that to my Lord. I am improving my self-protection skills, with is help, every day. I'd love to say I protect my friends from my sharper edges and rougher corners, but I have to give that to my Lord as well :-)

??

In the end I protect my two boys the most. Sometimes I think too much. It's the hardest part of being a parent... being willing to let your children make their own mistakes. One thinks they can prevent their offspring from making all the bad choices they made in life and, yet, those choices look different now. They are not easily recognized by someone who grew up a generation ago. I think I'm a pretty hip guy, I keep up with modern culture and fashionable trends on a number of levels. But the whole underculture is something that remains more or less invisible to me, much as it was to my parents who, for the most part, didn't have a clue what I was really up to.
What this all adds up to is the fact that I have to teach them the art of making choices and then open the door and let them go their own way, which they will, one way or another. It brings into hard relief the truth that, in order to protect them, I must be willing to set them free.

??

"Whom" do I protect? All the world from bad grammar!

??

And mine...

Babies, children, dogs...the vulnerable, the open. If not in act, in prayer.

Tell me a story... (11/10/08)

2008-11-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

once upon a time, and then and then and then... until the end (and then i guess i am a better listener than teller is what we just learned)

??

My mother had an affair for 10 years with a married man, a handsome, rugged dock-worker with broad shoulders and a beautiful smile. They were still involved when she died of a sudden heart attack at the too-young age of 43. He came to the wake with his wife and six of his eight children. When my four siblings and I saw him, we burst into tears, my older sister sobbing in his arms. At that moment the whole room full of my mother's grieving family and friends figured out what had been going on. Or perhaps they'd known all along.

??

This all happened on Cyprus, at the end of July:

Ballad of the Goddess of Paphos

Came to the desert near the sapphire sea
And hills of asphodel
There we heard the taut gut ring
Upon the wooden bell

And old women wail the Cyprian girl
Who rode the oyster shell
But little grey lizards reigned in the ruin
Of her temple on the hill

Grey as these dust shroud stainéd stumps
Grey as this Paphian air
Grey as the ash heap of Adonis’ pyre
Grey as the memory of Myrrha

And we stood in dust before broken stones
Where Cinyras once was throned
With a pomegranate rotting at our feet
And dogs fighting over bones

We’d come there to worship the oyster girl
With obsidian in her hair
But all that we found was the memory of lies
Even the blue sea was bare

But then we climbed into the hills
Above the sapphire seas
Climbed through silver olives twinkling
And dangling carob seeds

Climbed through pomegranate groves
To find the sacred prayer
Climbed through fields of summer grass
As copper as her hair

And when we found the secret stair
We tumbled to a spring
Beneath the twist of ancient fig
Where the old women sing

And genuflect and bless themselves
And dip bony fingers in
The water from an old stone bowl
Forever bubbling

And old men came with jugs and jars
To fill them at the well
So revive passions with draughts of love
For the foam born Celestial

Then innocents danced the shaded stair
Passion blind and writhing
Amid doves moaning cicadas crying
And their own blood's groaning

And they ran to the old green bowl
To drown in passion's water
And wash themselves in tears of love
Tears of the blue sea’s daughter

Then hush as floating down the stair
The goddess Aphrodite
In her boa of sheer pink foam
And oyster shell bikini

With bald gold-chained pot-bellied Hephaestus
And three white Pomeranians
Dancing in circles and skipping like kids
And whining like spoiled children

We found the Goddess alive and well
Beside the wild asphodel
The myth we sought was in the flowers
And its making always ours

??

Once upon a time there was a rebellious nation who (though shockingly imperfect in their own conduct) fought desperately for their independence. This nation had a great belief in freedom and held it in the highest regard. This nation protected each individual's right (again, quite imperfectly) to their own beliefs and values.

The founders of this nation believed that freedom was worth risking life and limb. They believed that if their ruler was not upholding freedom and justice, that it was up to each person to protest. They would take to the streets to defend their vision of freedom.

Somewhere along the line, after decades of rulers who were dishonest at best, murderers at worst, the nation started to fall into indifference. As this nation's freedoms and equalities disappeared one by one, its citizens started to believe that freedom was a hopeless cause.

The citizens of the nation truly believed that nothing could be done to change the future and that they were destined to be ruled by people who did not hold their beliefs and wishes sacred. This nation had forgotten its original ideals and began to overflow with cynicism and apathy. It had given up hope.

It was at just this time that a great leader appeared. He was strong, balanced, saw the reality of the nation's problems clearly, but also had a vision for the future. This leader showed the struggling nation that black and white thinking was not a viable option, that things could change for the better, and there was indeed hope for our future.

The nation seized the opportunity to NOT rest into the easy comfort of "the devil we know," to reach out for this leader and more importantly, what his presence at this precise time represented, something completely new and long forgotten - freedom.

A joyous outcome, true, yet the future of the nation remains to be seen. Though its citizens magnificently arose to greet the dawn of a new era of freedom, if things do not fall into their preconceived notions of great leader and great nation, will they fall back into hatred and indifference?

Let us all rise up to greet this new era of freedom. Let us shout equality from the rooftops and not let our leaders forget that they are defending our very lives. Let us take this opportunity to never go back to cynicism and apathy, but to seize the rising sun of freedom, shine brilliantly with hope - and take action!

??

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Serena*. She had several brothers and sisters, and her parents worked very hard to feed and clothe such a large family. Serena was the oldest of the girls, and helped her mother a lot with the cooking, cleaning, and child care. Serena was very bright and did well in school. She also loved music and learned to play the piano. People often heard her singing as she went about her daily chores; she loved to sing and had a beautiful voice. However, Serena was very shy and had a difficult time making friends. It took her a long time to form friendships. When Serena grew up and went to college, she no longer lived at home with her family. She HAD to learn to make friends - or be very solitary. She learned how to break out of her shyness, little by little. She eventually learned that a drink at parties made it much easier to dance and talk and have fun. Unfortunately for Serena, that drink turned into many, many drinks. She and her friends would go to the opera and symphony, but they always had a drink or two during the intermissions. Serena almost always nodded off during the final act. Drinking became a necessary evil in Serena's life. Eventually the friendships faded and she drank alone at home every night. So sad. One day Serena "hit bottom" with her drinking and ended up in a 28-day spin-dry place. She learned that drinking was only a cover-up of many things she didn't want to face. She learned to face those issues and to deal with them. She is productive at work during the day and seldom home in the evenings. Life is now full of joy and friends and service. Serena had to travel down a dark path to find the light. *Name changed intentionally.

??

Once upon a time, there was a little black girl growing up in the Brewster Project of Detroit, Michegan. At age 15 she was spotted by an Ebony/Fashion Fair talent scout and her modeling career took off. She traveled the world wearing the finest designers. Pucci, Gucci, and Florucci.

??

Life Story in 5 words:

genius poet went for laughs.

??

That's not really a question, is it?

Anyhow...Once upon a time there were three little girls who went to the Police Academy. And they were each assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that and now they work for me. My name is Charlie...

??

once up, on a time
i did something
something happened
the something kept happening
i waited and waited to do something again
but i knew that i shouldn't
until i could
so i did
while i waited
i watched
what i had done wasn't what was happening
it thought it was god
i knew it wasn't
but i loved it so i didn't want to ruin it
until it almost did
so i did first
that's the second thing i did

i didn't ruin it

i just wait until it stops
it does
it doesn't want to
it still thinks it's god
though it knows it isn't

then i stopped a bullet from entering into my head
and spent two months enjoying the solace
of creating the very chess match i had to 'lose'
knowing that i would only win

the third thing i do is up to all of you

??

"HI Heather," the voice said. It was high-pitched and hinted of excitement,young and earnest, a note so many have forgotten. Heather looked up from her book, smiled and waved. The door was open to her shop and would be for a few more hours. No one was inside. The voice ... well, it belonged to a young boy who was gripping his mother's hand, about to be led up past a gate, up the stairs and into his home.
Home. Where he would read about magical lands suffused with dragons and knights and maidens and superheroes, enraptured by their daring deeds.
Work. Where Heather was, immersing herself in a tale from outer space, a tale set in the future, feeling nothing like the present. Lights shone outside - and in - but closer to earth than the words on the page. She flipped and turned the pages as the hours went by ...
The boy's head hit the pillow first. Later in the night went Heather's. They both dreamed contently.
Tomorrow came, as it's wont to do. Heather and the boy walked towards each other on the street. Hellos were exchanged. And then they stopped - the boy resisting his mother's pull, Heather fighting the ticking clock on her wrist. The boy saw Heather garbed in silver, holding a lance. Heather noticed the boy was garbed in a spacesuit, looking to the heavens. For a moment, time froze. They smiled at each other.
And then they went on their way.

??

A boy was given to the wrong parents (whether intentionally or by accident isn't verifiable). He thereby was deprived of the trappings, adventures, and experience ordained by the pedigree rooted in his DNA. Instead he led a perplexing then simple life. It was the best thing for everybody.

??

And mine...

I'm hearing so many wonderful stories right now, I can't pick just one.

Except:

Once upon a time things were very different and I never thought they'd change. Then they did change.

How do you deal with change? (11/3/08)

2008-11-17T19:58:00.001-08:00

kicking and screaming.......

??

I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator.

??

put it into a huge bottle in the kitchen and eventually take it to the bank

??

Give it to the homeless guy who hangs out near the corner of Sixth Avenue and West 43rd Streeet.

??

Take a deep breath and open my arms to embrace it. Change is normal, status quo is the unreality.

??

I jump headlong into it. And breathe.

??

I used to freak out. Now that I've realized change is constant I roll with it and quite enjoy it. It brings up quite a few feelings, but those are part of life too.

??

Happy that I got it

I put it in my pocket.

??

It really depends on whether the change was my idea or not. If it was, then I deal with it with great enthusiasm. If it wasn't my idea, then I deal with it with as much grace and acceptance as I can muster. Only later do I tend to realize that changes I force don't usually go very well. Changes that come into my life without my urging are usually for my greater good.

??

With the realization that nothing lasts forever.

??

depends on the change....

??

slowly

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Depends on change. If it is something big and life changing, I am using accepting and well mannered. If someone moves my shit without asking or they change the lights on my route to work, I get frigging pissed off and start yelling. Seems like it should be reversed sometimes.

??

Gracefully and willingly

??

don't deal with change. It has a way of dealing with me.

??

I am usually pretty good about rolling with the punches. To wit, in the 12+ years I have been with my current company, there have been countless changes. I have had 8 different managers, 15+ coworkers (job specific, not at the company - in that case, closer to 500 including current employees), been through a reorganization, and had numerous jobs added to my position. Through it all, I have remained pretty positive, and I think I've proven over and over that I'm a team player. Which isn't to say I haven't pushed back on occasion when I think things are getting messed up. So far, it's been pretty good.

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Depends on the type of change and if its coming from within. If I feel like change is being imposed on me, I'll disgruntingly follow. If its a change from within, or change that I agree with, I can be really enthusiastic about it.

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Change is categorical It is a condition of matter in motion through space. The one thing you can't change is change. The very idea that we have any effect on anything is delusional.

??

Depends on the change. For example, looking forward to January 20th,
but I've never been fond of moving

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i tell change to change because if change changed i wouldn't have to deal with it. that said, i did tell change to change. change changed. it wasn't as great as i thought so i asked changed to stay the same. it did.
ha ha ha hah aha hahaha

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I welcome change... end of story.
Change is what keeps my life challenging and vibrant. There is never a situation that I do not wish to improve and the only way to achieve that is through change. Sometimes that means changing my own behavior and sometimes that means trying to influence someone else to change their behavior. Sometimes it means patiently waiting or sometimes being dynamic (move a muscle, change a thought). Change can be inspiring or it can be completely depressing but hopefully it will never stop being something that I embrace in my life until the end of my days. "The only rule that never changes is that everything changes."

??

A combination of acceptance and sugar.

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And mine...

I welcome change in my own life and congratulate people on the new opportunity when it arrives in theirs.

Thoughts/feelings about the election? (10/26/08)

2008-11-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

I have decided to keep my feelings about the election and politics as of late to myself.

I really don't need to poke the stick of frustration at myself.

??

Honestly, I don't think of this as a blog and I don't really want to discuss politics here.
I like everybody too much.

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You're damned if you do and damned if you don't!

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Inspiring vs. Whiny & Bitter
21st Century Leader vs. Cold War Warrior
Brilliance vs Average
Choice vs Anti-Choice
Steady vs Erratic

How can anyone be undecided?

I voted early and have volunteered at the local Obama office. I've given financial donations. I wear my allegiance on my bumper and my chest (Vote Barack Nov 4 t-shirt). I was one of the first 100,000 donors to Obama...back when he was still exploring a run because he moves me, inspires me, gives me a reason to believe we have the stones to make the hard changes and sacrifices necessary to right this ship called America.

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I'm SO very tired of all the bashing. I'll be glad when its OVER.
I'll be happier if Obama-Biden win!
A woman voting for Palin is like a chicken voting for Col Sanders.

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1. the possibility of an african-american president (and an african-american first lady!) moves me deeply and gives me tremendous hope.

2. that the civil rights of gay people are once again up for a popular vote in Calif (and Fla and Ariz) enrages me.

3. the hope I feel about Obama helps temper the disgust I feel about the tyranny of the majority on gay rights.

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I'm nervous about Prop 8...I just got married last month to my partner of five years and I hope I'll still be married after November 4th.

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It can be summed up by their initials

MP vs OB

and O will win. He has $150 million to spend still. McCain has $35 Million. Game over.

??

Constantly. Worry, joy over and over.

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I hold both the Democrats and the Republican Congress responsible for the
catastrophy of the financial markets. All of Congress was complicit in the debacle on Wall St. Its time we jettison the Democratic and Repub. parties in favor of Green/ Libertarian/ Indy Parties.

Our two party system does not work any longer. I say Let the whole thing crumble so a new paradigm of leadership and government may rise from the ashes.

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Last time I tried you wouldn't put it in the email! [This was an oversight which sometimes happens; answers occasionally get lost. I have a strict no-edit policy. I've since apologized to this participant.] I guess its safe now......
Definitly the most important of my time. I'm tired of those "on the fence". As David Sedaris explained its like being offered a chicken dinner or shit with broken glass in it, the people on the fence stop to ask how the chicken is cooked. It usually comes down to covert racism, I just wish we can at least be honest about it and move on as a country.
I've already wriiten letters to local newspapers on my feelings about Palin. I won't even go there, but I can just say that McCain's slogan of "COuntry First" needs serious reconsideration. It was an obvious attempt to get Hillary's voters. Which made me realize how stupid he must think women are.
Oddly enough I think I had much more respect for McCain before the election, although I didn't agree with him. Now I'd be hard put to conjure up basic respect. Its kinda sad to see what this election has done to him. Definitly branded the maverick.
This election has given me hope though. Obama's campaign has definitly energized citizens and for the first time, in my life at least, I felt motivated to be a part of the process. Its kind of like we're being handed a chance to get out country back. We ARE the change we've been waiting for. So god help us if there's another"problem" with the polls on election day because I think this America ain't gonna stand for that! So at least Americans are more INVOLVED, so as far as I'm concerned Obama has already won. His campaign has truly motivated and inspired many Americans.

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When Obama wins, the economy will improve overnight. Remember when Bill Clinton won the first time? His “It’s the Economy, Stupid” focus got him elected, and once in the White House, our “bad economy” seemed to just go away, mainly because we all could just exhale, believing that a smart man was finally at the helm.

Obama shines far brighter than Clinton, as his ego seems to be fully in check. I can only imagine what effect his new presidency will have on our economy. That’s my prediction, anyway.

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scared that Mc Cain/Palin will win. hoping that racisim doesn't keep Obama from getting elected. Worried about Prop 8, worried that it will pass. Hopeful that maybe things could change with this election, but gun shy from the past 2 elections. I will be at the polls voting for Obama, and No on Prop 8 and hope for the best.

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Oh please oh please oh please let Obama win.

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it's a turning point. a big one. but regardless of who wins the biggest test will be how people respond.

??

Obama please!

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This should have been asked months earlier to save some people grief.

I am a political junkie, and I have been since 1974. Things are a little bit different now. Elections can be watched a minute at a time now because of the intensely increased rate of communication. Since this one is arguably the most important in decade, a lot of people have fallen in the trap of watching it minute-by-minute, and through this trap has fallen many people who were politically apathetic in the past. Someone was explaining how the Phillies winning the World Series had hurt McCain's chances to me today. (Yikes: eyeballs peeled a quarter of an inch away; what does the forest look like when you eyeball leaves?) I made a decision months ago to back off. I still read my daily paper (The New York Times) and other less frequently published periodicals, but I only took in-depth looks at the election every two weeks, starting in July. For the past three weeks, it has been one week at a time.

I have been able to breathe. I have been able to use my thirty plus years of junkiedom to see past things people have been tearing their hair out about. The only real moments of worry I have had have been caused since July by Bill and Hillary Clinton. I knew exactly who Sarah Palin was and the moment I saw her face as McCain's Vice-Presidential nominee, I told everyone the election was over (although I really think Obama won it with his speech in the Spring about his pastor). And (drumroll) Obama is going to get at least 330 electoral votes (maybe up to 50 more) and win handily. If he wins in Maryland, New Hampshire and Pennsylvania and also the other states he is expected to win, even if he loses Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina and Florida, he will eke by. It will be a planetary shock if he loses, because he will win a bunch of those states. The Republican Party can cheat their asses off everywhere, but this will not replay 2000.

Let's hope that Sarah Palin really does become the Republican choice in 2012. Far freaking out. That will replay 1964.

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i love how it shows people's true colors. i hate that i've lost a few friends to the dark side.

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given that in 2000 bush co. proved the election process useless, why are we getting geared up for it. if obama isn't elected a silent revolution begins. the only useful use of that office is obama. but as you invest, invest in this:
America has no answer to the 'dream'. Obama does.
it will require America to be black period.
if you want to stay white, vote mcain on back to washington.
if you want to heal the world, write in 'no biden 'cuz ain't no hidin'
and expect that obama show you a whole new way of life.
if you don't expect that, don't vote. he's not here to less than slam.

one week later:

what happened to san francisco?
obama!

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more shall be revealed!

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I feel like a second class citizen I'm not thought of in the candidates - obama might have some compassion for gay people?

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I hate that when I get home from work every day I have between 3 and 8 pre-recorded voice mail messages from various campaigns, urging me to vote this way or that. I delete them without listening to them.

I hate that in my mailbox every day I have ten or more pieces of direct mail with a glamour shot of someone running for School Board or featuring ridiculous scare tactics. "What if you dialed 911 and no one answered? WELL THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU VOTE NO ON PROP. 8!!!" (It's almost that bad.) I recycle them without reading them.

I take my voting responsibility seriously. When I want to gather information to help me make up my mind, the last place I want that information to come from is from someone that has such a vested interest in the outcome that they pour money into trying to influence my vote.

Complete waste of money, technology, paper, and my time.

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At first, I thought both candidates suck, and now I think one really sucks more than the other. I hope Obama takes the victory. Then I hope we really change a lot of things in this country, I am surprised how much greed and corruption exists in the government and among the rich. As a middle class homeowner in SF, I feel grateful for what I have, but there are so many things to improve, we can no longer afford to ignore them. I don't think it should fall on one man's shoulder's either. Obama may make some change, but the rest of us have to do our part. It starts in our communities.

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I haven't watched any of the debates b/c they make me too angry. I feel very cynical about politics in this country, i really want Obama to win but it seems like once people become politicians, their morality goes out the window. I don't think that either candidate will bring about they radical change that I think needs to occur for our country to survive, let alone prosper. I just have a sad feeling that America has been ruined and I don't know if we can turn it around. Or if we can if politicians are the ones to do it. Also the amount of money these guys have spent to get elected sickens me.

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There was once an expression floating around saying "If voting changed anything it would be illegal!" I hate falling into that cynicism but I have a strong twinge of it. I'll vote for Obama -- McCain would be an improvement over what is there (though I think the demonization of Bush is misinformed and misled; he's just a schmoe) -- but my hopes for Obama are not high. I hope he surprises me but I need something to go with the fresh face and YesWeCan.

Frankly, I'm afraid we get the representation we deserve. When peoples hearts change then the system will not matter.

See you at the polls!

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And mine...

I've got three political signs up in my house right now. In the windows; Cindy Sheehan for congress and No on 8 (the so-called marriage protection amendment to CA's constitution). And on the wall behind me right now is a beautiful poster of Obama with the simple caption "Hope". I dreamed that Obama got elected and I cried I was so happy.

What would you like us to know about you? (10/19/08)

2008-11-17T19:53:00.000-08:00

I've been a QOTW participant for years. Y'all know more about me than most folks. I think what's more on my mind is how much more alike we all are than we are different from one another. The sum total of our differences doesn't come close to our similarities. The desire for love, genuineness, meaningful work, the value (and trials and tribulations) of family and friends in our lives, our secret fears and greatest desires, our vulnerabilities, guilt, fallibility...all pretty much the same. While the scenery and the sound track may vary greatly, the milestones are pretty much the same. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

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I'm fabulous!!!

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I had a baby on Saturday!

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I am a highly competitive, type-A firebrand trapped in the body of a
peace-loving yoga teacher.

OK, I don't *want* you to know that, but now you do.

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as little as possible!

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Over the past 4 years, my smiling face has been pictured on about 125,000 Cheerios boxes.

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I'm a friend of [The Curious].
I like buttermilk straight up by the glass.
I'm seeking the healthy balance.
I like the people that my kids are growing into which is part luck, part parenting and mostly them.
I consider pictures of flowers to be porn and I like my porn.

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I am a 63 year old woman that looks a lot younger (good skin care for decades), a bit heavier than I would like (too sedintary a life-style), 20+ years without cigarettes and booze, intelligent, spiritual, creative, musical (but the younger folks' brand of "music" I find unmusical - I guess that's a typical reaction from someone my age). I still feel like the young woman I was in college, but my body disputes that attitude strongly. Part of what causes the sedintary life-style is the sciatica, arthritis and bulging discs (in 3 places along my spine) now resident in my earthly shell. Young women who know me consider me to be a wise woman. I guess I've reached my "Crone" stage in life.

??

Underneath it all, I am just scared.

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You know, I think the best answer to this question is to quote Woody Allen quoting Groucho Marx, "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member." Yet, having said that, I gotta say, "But we're all Bozos on this bus!"

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I think Kung Fu movies are a grossly underestimated form of entertainment.

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That when I get knocked down, I always get back up again....eventually

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I have a hard time "just being" and I want you to love me anyway.
I'm overly ambitious and I want you to love me anyway.
I am maybe bi-polar, maybe just intense. And want you to love me anyway.
I very badly want you to love me.

And want you to love me anyway.

LOVE,

me

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That I originated on a star planet. I would like to show it to all of you....and maybe I will.....but only when we finally activate our inter-dimensionary potential from our (temporary) earth base station. I am one of the fallen starlets from an explosion that ejected me from there. I dreamt about it one night.....and I believe my dreams.

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i'm about 4 and still sitting on a stairwell. likelihood is that you'll never know me and i have to wake up and walk away somehow from life, no matter what's happened since.

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you probably already know since I tend to compulsively self-disclose. But here goes:

That I am able to help others in ways I cannot yet help myself. That I come alive, at work, and am skilled interpersonally in a way I am not in my friendships or romantic relationships. That I often can't translate the intensity of what I feel in the way I want, and end up feeling tongue tied and inadequate. I am often deeply touched by others and end up feeling foolish when I can't find the words to articulate my thoughts. That I am envious of others, and the qualities they have that I lack. That I feel forgettable, disposable, to the very people I feel a connection with and value. I feel alone in a room full of people. Sometimes I shut the door at work and cry.

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I get scared about the most obscure things. And then it comes out in a weird way.

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That I'm about as open and honest as you'll find!

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I'm proud that I scored a 96% on my written exam and a 100% on my practical exam! Now I'm on to manicures and pedicures.

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i've goals I've not realized

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If you are a regular reader of QOTW, you already know more about me than a great many people. You just don't know who I am and it's not my nature to reveal that information in an anonymous crowd. You've learned that I'm a single father of two boys, I don't drink, I play guitar and write songs. I read a great deal and my spirituality runs toward zen buddhism. I have a checkered and colorful past and I am interested in the mythology of the Old West. I'm lonely a great deal of the time but I'm getting used to it, although I do have a number of close friends. I have finally, for the most part, learned to get more joy from helping others than I get satisfaction from serving myself and that's probably the most significant thing about me.

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That I believe in God though I may have no idea what God Is or Isn't. And that I can wiggle one ear at a time.

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And mine...

You already know so much.

What was your second chance?

2008-10-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

as best as i can put it 'where the rubber meets the scalpel'.

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In junior high and highschool, falling into a crowd of friends that had good values and good parenting. Otherwise my two alcoholic parents and my general lack of motivation, was not a good outlook for a youngster. My group of friends were on the college track and were generally afraid of getting in trouble, so we usually stayed clear of trouble.

??

I'm not sure I've had it yet.

??

I had a fatal (obviously temporary) reaction to Demerol. My heart and breathing stopped for about 4 minutes. I did not see the light, but I did experience a wonderful respite from all the pain (physical, mental, emotional) that I wasn't even aware I had. What I felt was a wonderful sense of peace, welcome, fullness, expansiveness. My fear of dying has been nearly eliminated. I was at a low point in my life when this happened and turned my life around through the 12 Steps. Nearly 20 years later, I remain grateful for that glimpse into the other side.

??

I've had many second chances. But getting sober was my first second chance.....

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I must be fortunate, because I haven't needed one. So I'm holding it in reserve...just in case.

??

Actually I feel like virtually every moment is a second chance to be compassionate, forgiving, accepting - if only I remember to see it that way.

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Seeing as how I'm going back to school (AGAIN), I think I'm technically on my third chance. We get, like, seven or eight chances, right?

??

Everyday is another chance

??

Probably my second divorce? Not planning on doing that M-thing again.

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Probably going on the meds.

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Oh, there have been so many second chances! One doesn't live to the ripe young age of 63 without several of them along the way.

Getting sober was the most important second chance, and I very gratefully didn't let that one slip through me fingers.

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When my company closed after 31 years because of the economy, it's giving me a second chance to do a career that I love! If ya gotta work til you're 75, ya better love it!

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I'm still waiting.

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Gender Change + 12 Step Recovery = Second Chance.........a re-incarnation without having to leave the body.

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Moving onto a farm that turned out to be a cult. Believe it or not, the experience changed/saved my life in so many good ways that I will always be grateful I was a part of it. That being said, I left before it got really bad. I hope the authorities raid it sometime soon and the leader gets sent to jail for some of the things I found out later about what went on while I was there.

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I told her about everything. All the dishonesty. All the mistakes. All the bad decisions. I laid it all on the line and she gave me a second chance. I wish my life were a fairy tale but it didn't end there. Two months later and I blew my second, and last, chance.

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Damn. I've had a lot of them. Three highlights:

#1 With my old therapist, who assured me, "It's your life - you can take it," which made me feel there was at least one thing in my life I could do.

#2 With my first sponsor, who told me, "Of course you're having a spiritual crisis. You've made sex your god." She also kept pointing out when I would repeatedly tell her how fucked up all my romantic relationships were, "It's you."

#3 With my spiritual teacher, who has taught and gven me so much, I can't possibly repeat it all here. However, just the other day, after discovering I set my clock ahead 15 minutes to get myself places on time, she said with a smile and raised eyebrow, "So you lie to yourself."

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The first time around, I let myself be emotionally and physically beaten because I didn't know I could have any say in the matter. Now I have a lot of say in the matter, and instead of feeling beaten, I am being transported to a higher spiritual plane. And for me that comes from intense physical sensation. I love it.

today when i realized i have a second chance at being grateful, slowing down and not having to have everything stat! Thank god, patience surrender. I could watch the people move and not be in a rush. I can taste my food instead of swallowing it whole. I can watch a movie instead of paying bills or being on the internet.

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getting 'opposite sex hormones' and going through 'second puberty.'

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My second chance was a thin lipped, Scottish, research scientist, who knew all the words to the Dean Martin songs I love..."When the moon hits your eye...." Oh my, there is still a tug of the heart strings there. Do you believe there are third chances in life for us?

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Yes. I had received an invitation to work as a rail road person with Union Pacific. I turned it down due to the fact that I wasn't committed to the idea of having a career. I regretted that decision, and hoped to have another chance to apply for the job again. I did, when they invited me to take a test for the position. Needless to say, I failed. Thus, there goes my second chance.

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Once when I was much younger and wilder, I got in a fight with my bosses boyfriend (who was sort of her boss) and quit my job. I was so angry and frustrated I strapped my back pack and a case of beer on the back of my motorcycle and headed off toward North Carolina (from Texas). Almost to Houston, a trucker called me in for doing 90 miles an hour when I passed him and I was pulled over for my one and only DWI arrest. After a couple of days I ended up in the Harris County Jail in Houston which makes "the tombs" in New York look like an NYU mixer. A day later my parents had called an uncle of mine who was a lawyer and partner in a bail bond outfit right across the street from the jail. He picked me up and took me down to his beach house on Galveston Island. We stayed there for the better part of a week. I helped him build a back porch and we went out to a country western dance joint and, yes, drank beer together. He was the very first person who treated me with respect even after I had behaved very badly. I never got that from my parents. I keep him in my life constantly even though we're 2000 miles apart and, divorced from my father's sister, he's not officially part of the family. But he'll always be my favorite uncle.

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The one before my third, fourth, fifth.... I can give you the corny but true recovery story -- my version -- suffice to say every day is a second chance.

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And mine...

After years of immaturity, self-centeredness and emotional dependency, I am learning to be self-sufficient. Along with this comes learning how to love and be loved. Today's second chance, to open up to my sister about my spiritual life and to feel heard and accepted, has left me feeling full of the love and joy I never thought I was allowed to have. I am very grateful to have had a second chance to be a better sister.

What if you were a different gender?

2008-10-07T13:14:00.001-07:00

Suffice to say I wouldn't care about my reputation.

??

I am.

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Then I would be the kind of man that treated women like his mama taught him, under a single parent house hold in old new york poverty. I would join the navy too young, and get into loads of trouble, having great stories of fool's errands. I would be the kind of man that was a little old fashioned in mannerisms, in love with old music and the kind that would serenade a person under the window at least once. I would be tasteful, well spoken, would consider my words carefully, I would be a lover of women. I would be true but I would also have many loves in one life time. I would be so devoted to women that I would devote time painting the woman form. Or photographing, or just making love to one good woman all the time. I would have good friends from all walks of life. I would finely meet a woman that I would want to grow old with, not out of attraction although that is there too immensely in the beginning, but a woman that had the right heart, and I would make sacrifices for structure and support...and meet the woman in the middle, growing together sharing dreams and tragedies while building at first a home of two. (But because I am a man, it would be far more simple.) I would go through an arrogant youth. I would be infatuated with great thinkers and carry myself with dignity. I would also make tons of mistakes, hurt feelings at times, once or twice make my identity based on my profession, lose my temper, but I would never result to violence. I would be a man with a great sense of humor, and because of this ability to laugh on the side of error, I would have a great life. I would also be handy and take simple joys and pleasures out of every day activities that involved fixing problems. The best man I would be in my entire life time would be the man I would be in old age...from my arrogant world traveling rascallion youth to my romance period, to my maturity and dignity as a husband, father and grandpa, to my death in my suit, I would be the kind of man that had an open mind, but also I would not live so abundantly in my emotions, as I do so much as a woman. I would respect women for their incredible compassion. But I think as a man, I would find myself a provider. I would grow into old age and be the best as an old man, retired and fixing things for my family, taking great joy out of projects and old music, be appalled by my one time beloved NY city, or travel but be happy to be content in my garage and around the long dinner table full of hardy nostalgia, die a slow but not too slow death full of good byes and last meetings at monumental events, looking back at having sacrificed an adventurous life some where with in the confused middle life of falling in love after solitude and the open seas..for simplicity and patience, kindness providing for generation. If I were a man, I would be my grandfather.

??

I would have a difficult time finding clothes!

??

two things that I havent experienced in this lifetime..........child birth (due to lack of uterus and female reproductive system) and bisexuality.........I'm hardwired for men and just can't go there with a woman. But I believe I've experienced all of those things in other lifetimes so I'm OK with skipping the baby thing this time around. I've made peace with my "psychic" womb and transgendered body, so I identify as a "third gender" person.

??

I'd have my tubes tied ASAP!

??

I'd have to fly to Denmark and get the operation.

??

I’m glad I’m female. If I were male, I don’t think I’d like the pressure of not crying, because I cry all the time, over anything…happiness, sadness, cute kids, old ladies, that curiously touching yet manipulative commercial, etc. If I were a guy, I’d have to edit a lot.

??

I often thought I was a gay man in my past life anyhow...

??

As a homo, I already do gender differently by breaking the gender law that says men are supposed to be with women, blah blah blah. But I LOVE being a gender outlaw. I also love being a guy so my initial reaction is that I'd be sad not to be one.

That said, if I was female, I'd like to be like Joan Jett -- tough as nails, as femmy as I want to be, and unapologetic about all of it.

??

i'd make a lot more money for doing the same job.

??

I have a 29 yr. old son who is me in the opposite gender. Doors to amazing opportunities readily open for him. He's made and lost a couple of million this year alone. Because he has so little initial resistance, he often fails to fully appreciate situations. He relies more on charm than ability. His smile wins people over, but the lack of substance has ends up kicking his ass later. I can see my struggles helped me develop personally and professionally. I see how the ease of being a tall, handsome, white man with a great smile and winning personality lubricates life in so many ways...but it does not provide much additional cushion when things fall apart. So...I can see how being a man makes things easier AND harder. I think if I'd been born a man, I'd be a Class A Obnoxious Prick. Being a woman has tempered my inflated sense of worth, so maybe it made me a better person.

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I wouldn’t be able to be on the Derby, which would SUCK!

??

If there were a third choice, I might consider it.

??

The Marina would become a very, very scary place.

??

That would not be good - way to much T

??

I'd probably take much better care of myself.

??

I'd probably play with my new genitals all day until I got bored with them, then go clothes shopping.

??

I would do dream yoga sleeping on my left side instead of my right.

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I couldn't pass this one up!!

If I were a different gender I would undoubtedly be a lesbian since I adore women so much!!!

??

I honestly think that life would be easier. Bigger guys dont stick out as much as girls, plus i could piss standing up and not worry about making a mess of myself!

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I'm sure I was - in a different lifetime. My parents probably expected me to be born male. I am my paternal grandfather's first female descendent. He had 7 sons and 6 grandsons when I arrived. My birth was celebrated by many - finally, a GIRL!!!!!!

??

I am.

??

you wouldn't be. use 'hope' as an example. i aske her if she was a man or a woman. she said 'i don't know' for him.

??

Hopefully, I would be able to feel a living thing growing inside my stomach, or at least I would be sitting down when I pee and whole lot of other differences in biological makeups. On a psychological plane, I would probably communicate more and more often. Perhaps, feel things more. I am sure there are more things that I would experience, but sort of glad I am a guy.

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I could pee standing

??

As a drag performer, I walk that line quite frequently. My personality would be the same, I'm just a bit meaner! A diva in every sense of the word!

??

well, i know i wouldn't wear heels. i think my problem with codependency would be worse because i would relate even more with my mother in a way i might not have been able to resolve. and i would have a lot of fun with hair and clothes, because i already do, but there would be the possibility of more. i was just at rei the other day and all the fun hiking shoes with cool colors along the sides were women's. i heard myself saying, women get all the good stuff, when are guys going to be less boring??

??

I wouldn't be going through menopause.

??

It wouldn't surprise me. I have thought of myself as a gay man trapped in a woman's body for many years.

??

Well, several responses come to mind. . .
1) I am a different gender.
2) Per last QOTW, I don't think it would make me any sexier.
3) When I was very young I had a yearning to be a little girl sometimes, I'm not sure why and
it was not a feeling that endured past the point when I discovered the experience of being
with little girls.
4) Many of the women my age seem just as frustrated, bitter, sometimes angry, sometimes hopeless,
stuck in their ways and unwilling to trust anymore as I frequently am so I don't really see how it
would make much of a difference at this point in my life.
5) Finally, in the zen way, every being possesses the yin and the yang. It is integral to our make-up and
fundamental in the navigation of the environment we exist in, whatever that may be.

??

If i were female, I would have the most amazing shoe collection ever.

??

I would have been a bad girl.

??

And mine...

I feel somewhat in touch with masculine energy within myself, and consequently don't think I'd be dramatically different in temperament. I would make the most of having straight hips. I would wear very cool shoes. On alternate Thursdays, I'd dress like Shaft.

What makes you sexy?

2008-10-07T13:13:00.001-07:00

My glasses.

??

Doing nice things for other people and a few pushups a few times a week. Maybe some crunches too.

??

I have a wonderful memory, but I can't remember that.

??

The people that think I'm sexy.

??

my exotic body......which is comprised of male and female features.......some call it 'the best of both worlds'. Others call it 'one stop shopping'. I like to think of it as a variation of god's work. And my voice.......people often comment on my telephone voice. Especially when I use the 'well modulated professional phone voice' at work. One client who works at Pixar actually said he'd like to use my voice in a production. It hasnt happened yet but I remind him now and again that my voice is available for his movie. I think having an air of mystery is sexy too. I strive to use restraint when first meeting people and take my time to warm up to strangers. I can be cautious to guard against an old pattern of compulsively disclosing myself to others. Mystery and my uniqueness is sexy.
Oh, and I find a spiritually devotional man to be sexy. Ever see a hunk of a man praying in earnest at an altar or in a temple?.....mmmmmm......totally sexy.

??

My energy, and maybe my buitt.

??

I'd like to think vulnerability, but I still think in terms of objectification.

??

Paul Newman eyes ... silver hair ... and a nice smile

??

Humor. And my deep blue bedroom eyes!

??

Sexy? I don't know that I am...sexy. I do believe I am desirable and desiring. Listen, I'm married with a very comfortable, nice, and occasionally hot sex life. My husband says the sexiest thing I do is communicate my desire. It's not about what I wear, it's about how I signal my desire and love for him through touching, kissing, whispering. Lots of casual touches, compliments, and attention. Part of being desirable is in having confidence...so "looks" do come into play for me. Personal hygiene on the part of both partners is important to a great sex life. The playgrounds are kept neat and clean. Sexy to us is freshly showered (or in the shower).

??

my keen investigative brain.

??

times when I can focus on what I have instead of what
I lack.

??

expensive jeans
they make me look like a model even though I'm not

??

certainly confidence, but a pair of red stilettoes tend to do the trick too!

??

Smoke and mirrors...........

??

Hell if I know! I'm 2 weeks away from my 63rd birthday, weigh 60 pound more than I did in my prime, have bulging disks in 3 places in my spine, and arthritis. Life itself doesn't feel very sexy to me anymore. That said, I am glad to be alive. My mind still feels young, despite my years of life experience. I'm sure my life would have been very different, if I'd had the wisdom of my current years, when my body was young and beautiful.

??

My ability to love and be loved!

??

My newly shaved head. I’ve wanted to do it my whole life, and this summer, I did it. (I’m female, and will soon be 50.) What’s so curious is that I don’t know if it LOOKS sexy, but it certainly feels sexy. It’s me. It’s very, very, very me, and to my complete surprise, I feel very, very, very sexy. It’s my new ‘DO, baby!

??

Tango music makes me sexy.

??

a few hits of speed and my teenage memories

??

I changed my mind I don't want to be on this list. It really stresses me out to get things like this sometimes. I know I know, call me Crazy :)

??

Commitment to a spiritual path. Taking care of myself - body, mind, emotions.

??

A nice suit of clothes and a fresh shave of face and head makes me
sexy. Not to mention my blue eyes and full lips.

??

My guitar playing, song writing and poetry seem to be the things that are sexy to women but that's about as
far as it goes. In a one on one situation I just don't seem to come across as sexy anymore. Maybe 15 years of
a marriage and two kids have done that to me, but it's probably just me.

??

my attitude and the fact that i thoroughly enjoy my life, but i keep getting comments about my ass, so maybe people aren't focused on my attitude. oh well.

??

My laugh, my voice, my mind, my imagination.

??

It's the way that I move. The things that I do. Whoahoh.

??

And mine...

Courage.

What would you rather have said?

2008-09-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

No, I will not marry you.

??

you're right

??

I will say a good mental balance and weed, then ur great.

??

Nothing. I usually get myself in hot water.

??

i would rather have said that super cat was a newly guarded angel.

??

"I know I am Amma's baby!"

??

I forgive you...........

??

Your right, I'm wrong, here's your seven pounds, have a wonderful afternoon.

??

You cannot bring that beer into my house asshole

??

what rash?

??

I DON'T.

??

You self aggrandizing mother-fucker. I don't care who you are or what you have. How do you sleep knowing that you treated us that way?

??

Less. Much less, much more often.

??

Come with me.

??

Nothing! Restraint of tonge and pen keeps me out of so much danger, but my ego sometimes gets the better of me.

??

no

??

Not between my legs. That's a hard limit.

??

GO to hell.
Stop being so self fish.
Get over yourself.
Fuck off.

??

Nothing. I should have kept my big mouth shut.

??

Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?

??

It was a phone conversation, and I would have like to have said: “I had no idea that anyone, anywhere, could say anything so cruel, let alone you.” But I was so stung by his words that my eyes welled up and I was shocked into breathless silence.

??

usually, when i think about it, i wish i'd said nothing.

??

Why don't you love me like the other children?

??

I'd rather have said nothing at all - at least not until I had my own
thoughts sorted out. Sometimes silence seems more compassionate than
anything I could say.

??

I wish I had said, "No thank you, I don't want to try any cocaine."

??

Let's take some time to think about it, then maybe we can work it out.

??

I wish I had just said "no"!

??

And mine...

So often when I smile and laugh, that is the best response. Tonight, after I went up the steps from the BART platform, so I could throw away some trash and go right back down to the platform, I participated in the following exchange:

"You were just up there."

"Yes I was."

"Why are you down here?"

That's when I laughed. He was drunk.

What helps?

2008-09-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

Prayer, Expressions of Gratitude, Expressions of Creativity, Boundaries, Action, Asking For Help, Exercising the Body, and Exercising the Right To Change My Mind!..........oh and always and forever....SLEEP! AND HELPING OTHERS / SERVICE

??

Pausing.

??

what helps is knowing that somewhere, way above the sky, i'm staring down at myself and wondering when i'll finally figure it out.

??

Prayer....talking with a friend....a nap......peanut butter...

??

A good night's sleep
20 minutes in the hot tub
A genuinely nutritious meal
Cuddle time with husband man
Seeing and interacting with my grandbabies
Hot sweaty exercise (to include sex)
Time in the mountains or on the beach (isolated one)
In really tough times, horseback riding is my best medicine.

??

Sleep

??

breathing, taking time,not spinning

??

This helps:

1. Putting ice directly on it as soon as you can
2. Psychotherapy
3. Turning the heat down just before you put the turkey in the frying pan
4. Voting for Obama

To deal with:
1. A black eye
2. Grief
3. Breaded and fried turkey cutlets
4. The trainwreck of our economy after 8 years of Bush

??

caffeine.

??

Acceptance, baby steps, exercise, meditation, coffee.

??

Time and sex and there's never enough of either.

??

More sleep
Yoga in the morning
Cooking all meals at home
Being ultra thrifty
Hiking/running
Music
Gardening
Cooperative children
Appreciation
Humor
Friendships
Being content/grateful for what you have

??

turning it over...and over, and over, and over....

??

sleep, hugs, love and a good listener

??

Hearing "Thank You" ... that helps

??

snuggling, sex, chocolate, ice cream, cheap mexican food, breathing, sleep, dreaming, beauty, music, praying, meetings, art, writing, san francisco, friends, exes, good food, battlestar galactica, heroes, my new apt, biking, talking about snowboarding, tattoos, talking about my next tattoo, skin, hair, clothes, the studio, work in a sense, the internet unfortunately....

??

sleep, chocolate, smoking, internet, meetings, friends, new anything etc... indulging in all and more due to recent obsession and unanticipated romantic pain.

??

The love of my partner, mother, and a pint of Chubby hubby ice cream.

??

A hot bubble bath, a good cry, a funny movie, conversation with someone who really cares, and when all else fails, the steps.......

??

When I need guidance, I take a breath and ask myself yes or no questions. If I get a calm, simple 'yes' or 'no' right away with no explanation, that is always the right answer. When I don't get a clear answer or the answer seems hurried and fear-based ('yes, you have to do this or else...', etc.), I ask a different question or re-ask the question in different words. Someone taught me this a few years ago and now I don't know how I got by so many years without it.

??

Love

??

you do

??

chocolate milk

deep breath

sex

putting yourself out there with confidence and kindness and humility and pride.

??

Talking to a friend, kitty love, prayer, working out, a cathartic beating from a loved one, and my teddy bear.

??

Honesty. Laugh, cry, bluster or be quiet as needed.

??

asking, kindness, vitamins, dental floss, antibiotic ointment, band-aids, the Red Cross, Amnesty International, Habitat for Humanity et al., getting enough sleep, money, lipstick, good music, good art, laughter, mosturizer, hot tubs, sleepytime tea, chocolate, peace,friends and family

??

Heat
Stretching
Breathing
Sleep
(and occasionally Aleve
or bourbon)

??

Maintaining my daily routine of self-care--eating meals on time, eating appropriately, getting enough sleep, prayer, meditation, chanting my mantra, yoga, meetings, service, writing.

??

Breathing through my vagina.

??

ASKING. ACCEPTING. HELPING OTHERS.

??

Staying focused and remembering always that I am loved as much as I love others.
Playing guitar and riding my Harley are also nice and benevolent distractions.

??

Sensible shoes.

??

And mine...

Laughing at myself; knowing what I am here to do (love and be of service); cuddling with an ex; trying to make the front of my face vibrate when I sing

How often do you talk about politics?

2008-09-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

(Question of the Week 9/7/08)

Very rarely. When I express an opinion different from those of others, all I get is a lot of anger directed at me. I'm all for differing opinions, and I'm not going to become upset and start yelling at someone who feels differently than I. But I don't get the same respect in return, so I prefer not to say anything at all. I don't mind a respectful debate, but when someone refuses to listen to my side, after I've heard theirs, why would I want to bother?

??

With the exception of the following paragraph, I talk about politics about once every 4 years. I utter maybe one sentence about my views and then I , generally, ask a few (no more than 3) questions as to why someone likes/ dislikes a particular candidate. I am not really interested in discussions about our nation's 2 party system that overlooks the issues most dear to my heart (uh, can we say civil rights for all!?). I always vote but cannot be bothered to discuss a topic that I consider fodder for the masses. Discussing politics is disruptive to my nervous system. The way I lead my life and the integrity I strive to demonstrate is my greatest political statement. Most matters of politics and world affairs I discuss privately with god in my prayers & meditations. Peace to all living things.

??

Not as much as I'd like. I don't discuss politics too much with my
friends, because while I do enjoy a good political debate, I hate to
argue too much and I'm afraid of alienating people. I know my friends'
views and they know mine. We share our feelings on politics
occasionally, but we never try to sell a candidate or a ballot
proposal to each other.

I don't talk about politics much with the love of my life because he's
pretty apathetic. I'm thinking he'll care more when the fact that, as
two men, we aren't equal in the eyes of the law to, say, my parents,
really hits him. We'll see though. I could see it either way, maybe we
get married and he doesn't care because really all that matters is
that we have each other, or maybe we get married and he gets really
pissed at the status quo.

??

just about everyday

??

Very little......I find it very personal and can't deal with some of the drama it can evoke...

??

Pretty frequently these days. Not constantly but many conversations every day.

??

Every single day...several times a day. I live in the DC area. It's what we do.

??

I can't stop myself. I'm not obsessed, but the current election is just so vitally important that I'm compelled to talk about it frequently, several times a day usually.

??

I talk about it more than ever since one roommate is voting for McCain just to be a jerk and the other simply "can't see the difference between the two".

??

lately, several times a day.

??

everything is political. So, I guess that means my answer is, "everytime i speak!"

??

As seldom as is humanely possible, given the times. Usually, when someone mentions the word "politic" (or some variant), I check my pockets to see who is trying to pick them. But given the precarious state of the world, and the political choice before us, I find myself more engaged politically than is my wont. Deep down I believe that all politicians are tranvestite whores (and for that I apologize to the geniuine transvestite whores of the world).

??

ALOT! I recently started writing letters to my local NYC newspaper and they've printed two. I'm just about to write another one as well! Its hard when people you love don't agree with you politically, especially because they vote with emotion for the familiar without checking out the facts about candidates. Which just pisses me off. With so much at stake its not a time to get nostalgic, its time to really THINK about what the future of the country should look like. Palin would have us back in the dark ages as all the other industrialized countries move into the future. The RNC scared the shit out of me. I felt like I was watching a KKK rally without the white sheets, using the bible to inspire hate, where were the buring crosses? Palin scares the shit out of me because so many soccer/hockey/PTA white middle class moms will vote for her because she looks like them. Its sad really, they would forfeit our future for their comfort. A (white, middle class) woman wrote in to a blog that Michelle Obama scares her because she wants to "change American Traditions". I keep wondering where she got tht idea from. I don't think Michelle is trying to steal Xmas or anything. The only American tradition that the Obamas shake is that of white supremacy and a white family in the White house. Its sad, ignorant and extremely dangerous. I'm holding my breath until the elections.

??

daily

??

As frightened as I am of what is happening in our country, I am on a hair trigger at the slightest mention of current affairs. I feel compelled to regale against the political ignorance I'm surrounded by. Whatever happened to the age of Aquarius?

??

All the time. (at least until they change!)

??

Lately, every day. I feel pretty passionate about this particular election. Like, if Mccain/Palin wins, I'll have to take a 4 year vacation.

Otherwise, I talk about it when it comes up. Could be a few times a week, could be none.

??

A lot over dinner, often with friends, and almost never at work.

??

Not very often....usually it is when I want to bitch
an moan...huh, what would it be like to talk about
some of the positive things that the government is
doing? Something for me to think about...

??

As not often as possible. It triggers my self righteousness and my anger.
I am always curious, however, to learn a practice of being inside political dialogues without having to shift into "I'm right and they are idiots." which just makes me feel hung over after.

They are idiots, though.

:)

??

not frequently. I am ashamed by how little I know...

??

More now than ever! Palin's nomination has made this election that much more interesting, and she keeps coming up in conversation. Sometimes the wrong kind of conversation -- I didn't think the constant probing into the personal life was appropriate with Bill Clinton, and I don't think it's appropriate with Palin either. She should stand on and be judged by her record and her experience (although "experience" is a generous description of her political career so far). All the talk about teen pregnancy and working mothers is just a distraction from the real issues. I want her to be exposed for what she truly is - a craven opportunist who champions "diversity" but votes down every single gay rights bill that crosses her desk, claims to support freedom of religion but waves the Bible, and calls herself "pro-life" while she has a "freezer full of wild game."

??

As infrequently as possible. I come from a family of right-wing republicans and we definitely do NOT see eye-to-eye in this arena!

??

If by policics you mean the presidential election, and that sort of stuff, my answer is, "as little as possible considering I live with 2 news junkies."

If by politics you mean power dynamics, I'd say, "a good deal."

??

these days, only when i think of those two little girls travelling the
whole world and telling everyone everywhere that their dad has the
most important job ever!

??

It varies, but at the moment I seem to discuss politics fairly often. Virtually all of the people I'm likely to talk politics with are on the same page as I am. This creates a feeling of safety, but since everyone seems to be in agreement with me, it also makes for a rather limited dialogue.

??

I speak of politics only once or twice a week, but NPR awakens me most mornings. Last Friday, having survived the onslaught of press on the Dem and subsequent Repub conventions and their tireless jingoistic proclaimations about the greatest country that ever has or will exist; I went to the season opener for the SF Opera in hopes of some escape. Two tuxedo clad muckety-mucks stepped walked out onto the stage and spoke of what a great season it would be, thanked the sponsors, urged us to silence our cell phones - and requested we rise for the National Anthem.

I stood and was going to remain silent , when I realized what an opportunity I would miss if I did. Added to my list of lifetime accomplishments is now that truth that I've sung for the SF Opera. After all: they asked.

??

As rarely as possible. It's so full of lies that talking about it is the worst waste of time.

??

every day I think about it and lately i've been wanting to get involved more, to the extent of a career. I am sad when I see the state of the world and know that we here have power to make change simply by voting for a party who doesn't want war. It's so simple. Vote, spread the word.

??

"Politics" as the dynamic between representatives of medium to large populations, or the populations themselves: at least once a week.
"Politics" as the dynamic between individuals or small populations: every day.

??

NEVER! I just can't stand how up in arms people get when you have a different point of view. I change the subject.

??

Not very often. Although I feel I should know more about this subject, I don't feel compelled to expand my knowledge.

??

I'm embarrassed to admit that my girlfriend has asked me to find other conversational source material. She, at least, gets a bit tired of hearing me discuss the topic.

??

Next to never. I don't know enough about it to feel comfortable to discuss it. Plus I don't trust other people's views when it comes to that, so I will remain in ignorant bliss.

??

I prefer to talk about animals wearing lipstick.

Question of the Week (9/01/08)

2008-09-01T00:41:00.001-07:00

How does it feel?

Good.

??

It feels like life.

??

Disheartening, frustrating, funny, uncomfortable.Unpredictable, unsettling, agitated. And a little grateful.

??

How it feels is constantly changing....can't pin it down.

Right now it feels just "ok"

??

Pretty good!

??

Painful...but real...

??

It feels real.
scary
fun!
exciting!
weird!
nerve wracking
boring
dull
listless
tiring
overwhelming
loving
loved
sweet
gentle
firm
strong
direct
clear
foggy
fuzzy
strange
fun
fun
fun

??

good.

??

like anything's possible.

??

After two weeks stranded in suburbia, it feels good to be home!

??

I just finished working out. So it feels fairly sore at the moment.

??

It feels amazing.

??

kinda like I swallowed a wooden block
mostly just vague nausea, sometimes a lot
some abdominal discomfort, some upper right quadrant tenderness
could be gall bladder
endoscopy tomorrow

??

Kind of like a really big rubber band snapping against my skin. It would feel a lot worse, if not for the lidocaine injections numbing the area. Bye bye, tattoo. We've had a nice 15 years together.

??

it feels like the world is changing.

??

Good!

??

so very unbelievably good, and warm, and not fuzzy, and real, and true, and foreign.

??

Anti-climactic. Been working nonstop on a project that was delivered/completed last week. No new work lined up. I had been so absorbed by this project that I checked out of my own life. I feel a little lost and disoriented. Exhausted, too, and really disappointed by the conduct of my business associate and friend. I need to find a healthy way to distance myself. That feels yucky.

??

Truthfully? Warm and squishy.

??

It feels new, scary, uncharted, and uncertain but wonderful!

??

How does WHAT feel? My choice? OK - Sobriety: usually great, sometimes a bit frightening when I'm faced with a difficult task.

??

Good, bad and fluctuating. I am glad it changes, otherwise I know I would not enjoy the good feelings with out the bad ones.

??

It feels achey and lonely
anxious at the start of this work week
full of fear
and i do mean full
all swollen up
like a fat lip i once had.
it feels hesitant and not safe
it feels vulnerable
like the worst thing in the world
could happen at any moment.
it is tearful
all of a sudden and out of nowhere
like a wee
little
little girl

??

it feels like a flower just before it blooms;
like a bird just before it sings; like the wind just before it blows.
it feels like the dawn as the sun is about to rise; like a star just before it falls;
like a wave just as it swells and falls upon the shore.
It feels like the rain as it drops from the sky; like the last tired breath of
an old man; like the frightened cry of a young child.
It feels like a heart just at the moment that it breaks.

??

Like I ate too much.

??

Like a dwarf star. And you?

??

about what?

i would love to let you know, if i knew what you were referring to.

??

Crazy, cocky and confused. idk. but will soon get.

??

Well, let's see, my pizza just arrived at Extreme pizza on folsom, brb. Just walked down from The Cat Club. A friend of mine is djing, DJForced Hand. Oh, by the way, I feel great. Started my night at City Beer Store, had a few specials and some awesome cheeses. I feel sooo good!! Best place ever for beer. We stopped at Brainwash for a smoke outside and had some good conversation. ... Almost done with my slice of killer pizza as I write to you on my Blackberry. Damn this pizza rocks. Watching the sports scores now on the flat screen at extreme pizza, damn I feel soooo good. Xoxoxo.

??

And mine...

Pretty good. Very different. A little overwhelming.

Question of the Week (8/24/08)

2008-09-01T00:40:00.000-07:00

Now what?

Bedtime, man. Bedtime.

??

I take a break and begin a soul searching process to see if what I am doing is what I really want to be doing. Or probably more likely... if its where I want to be doing it.

??

Clear the blockages.......and get on with it..........and when you hit another blockage, manage it and..........get on with it. Onward Ho!

??

that's a good question.

??

life goes on

??

Jury duty.

??

Muddle through...

??

Now I wait.....patiently and with faith

??

Wow. Amazing timing with this question. That is *exacty* what I have
been asking myself for the past 24 hours. I am ready for some big
changes - both career-wise and relationship-wise. I want to leave an
unhealthy work environment, but am not sure what kind of job to even
start looking for. Same thing with relationships. I'm ready to start
dating, but I am not sure what kind of relationship I am looking for.
So as for *now*, I am practicing sitting in the uncertainty of it all
and trusting there is some Higher Power which will help to lead the
way. And I am pleased to say that I've gotten a lot better at sitting
in uncertainty having had ample opportunity to do just that over the
past several years.

??

Now we just keep on truckin’.

??

I just met a guy I really like. But he lives on the other coast. So I have no idea.

??

Keep moving forward

??

More of the same but using different labels. I am so depressed by McCain's surge in the polls....I could gut myself.

??

YES! Onward and upward!
And INward.

??

savor.

??

work, AA service, then burning man. then open studios.

??

Chicken butt.

??

I don't know!

??

NOW in a courageous move, I begin cosmetology school, and embark on a new career! Prayers welcomed.

??

I don't know

??

keep practicing.

no matter what.

??

Is the book finished, or just the chapter, or merely a page? Turn the page, or select a new book and continue on as before.

In another light, having just spent a wonderful weekend at a 12 Step retreat (subject: a deeper friendship with your Higher Power), more meditation (a struggle for me - always "too busy"). Progress, not perfection.

??

Now
I'll try to be kind, courteous, and loving.
Now
I'll pray for patience
Now
I'll grit my teeth and resist
and now
I'll try not to

??

Now the body begins to break down.

??

Well, it's time for bed but first I must finish checking my email, tidy up a little, then wash diapers, then get ready and go to bed.

??

A new apartment, new ride, new computer, new perspective: let the semester begin.

??

Chill out, get bored, get routine again, get inspired and go climb another mountain.

??

The question implies an existence in the past and future. As always, for me anyway, there is only now.
Now I'm creating my response to this email. I can suggest what the next now will be but there is no certainty
of it and no predisposition for it. I can also recall, to some extent, what the last now entailed. But that memory is already tainted by my recollection process. It is viewed, so to speak, by the lens of now and reflects some element of the values that are important to me now. If I view it again tomorrow, it will look completely different. If I look at it 5 minutes from now it will be changed. It is changing as I write this. I can try to "immortalize" it based on my current situation but that would be something else entirely and would lose any practical relationship to now. "And now for something completely different..."

??

Let's find out together!

??

And mine...

I click send.

Question of the Week (8/18/08)

2008-08-18T00:44:00.001-07:00

What if you had everything you want?

Question of the Week (8/11/08)

2008-08-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

Where do you find hope?

Fortune cookies.

??

in slaa, a program where you hear people say i slept with 12 people yesterday, plus two dogs and a mule; and, i didn't break any bottom lines.

??

I am hopeful sometimes, but I'm not sure where it comes from. From
logic, knowing that similar situations have worked out before?
Knowing I have been taken care of? Some natural tendency toward
optimism? A spiritual path and/or source? I dunno.

??

I got into a car accident on Tuesday and almost died. I am lucky to be
alive, with only a broken leg. I find hope in every new day.

??

In a cuddle from my cat. I'm totally not kidding.

??

In an AA meeting

??

burying faith

??

talking to LOTS and LOTS of people

??

Kids give me hope. They're not always great to be around, they're noisy and make messes, they clog up toilets and take all the cookies. But we've screwed things up so badly, the only hope civilization has is that our kids will do better than us. My God, if I didn't have hope in the next generation, I'd probably just jump off a cliff.

??

In the voice of my mother telling me that everything's gonna be alright.

??

Hope is dat t’ing weet fetters dat besmirches me ole soul . .

??

it doesn't matter where or how small, just that i do.

??

Most often, I find Hope curled up on my bed. This morning, however, I woke to find her lying on my head in an effort to wake me up and feed her.

Ya know, I didn’t actually name my cat Hope. That was her name when I adopted her, and she couldn’t have come at a better time because back then, I desperately needed…well…hope.

??

Within

??

in my Higher Power

??

I'm not such a big fan of hope. Hope was the last to escape from Pandora's box. Most people think of of that as the fairy tale ending. I think it cemented the condition of human suffering. Most hope is delusional and simple-minded: I hope he comes back to me. I hope the lump goes away. I hope I lose weight. I hope I get the job. I hope she really means it this time. I hope he won't hit me again. I hope the hurricane won't strike New Orleans. I hope our President and religious leaders tell us the truth.

Hope is usually lazy.

I prefer to embrace reality, find motivation, and take action. Hope...that shit is for fairy tales.

??

In the Light

??

Harry Potter books

??

Sometimes I think I find it in the aphorisms, experiences, and encouragements of others, whether it be my mom, a friend, or Oscar Wilde. "See, others have been there." But that kind of borrowed hope dissipates so easily. When I really think about it, I realize that there is more authentic hope to be had. I have noticed that when I do an outdoor activity, such as running or swimming, I fill up with this sense that everything is going to be all right. Not every time, but frequently enough to make me answer thusly: I find hope within myself.

??

In the beginning of each new day. That's a much better place than it use to be (in a bottle, a BIG bottle, of wine).

??

I used to find it in art and in little kids. Now I'm completely pessimistic and cynical: there is no hope; we fell asleep and totally fucked it up.

??

during meditation

??

in music. in people who have overcome difficult things.
cat power's maybe not is speaking to me lately.
"We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing"....

maybe that line is more about motivation than hope, but having hope
gives me motivation to take action in my life.

??

In humor, in stories, in relationships, in God, in nature, in people, in myself

??

in the deepest moment of existence; when you watch someone dance for the first time and Hope to God that you don't hinder her. especially with the idea that i was a better enough dancer to then imagine some large dance floor and whether anyone else was thinking or conducting an image by which they fluxuated in their mood.

then i stop writing and join her . . .

??

In others that share the same vision. Or others that don't, bnut are still willing to listen

??

among friends
in prayer

??

When I talk to other people. It comes from everywhere, sometimes I think it is all around me. It is so strong it is hard to be in its presense sometimes.

??

in a flower garden; when I see a muni rider offer their seat to someone in need;
in any church or cathedral where candles are lit; when I count my money and review my finances via online banking........and ALWAYS when witnessing another
human being break thru their own self imposed bondage.....that is really something to see

??

I don't generally find hope... when all else fails, it finds me.

??

And mine...

In you.

Question of the Week (8/4/08)

2008-08-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

This week's question.

Most waking hours.

??

When I'm fearless.

??

When tired, drunk, or trying to protect the ego.

??

Whenever it comes to money. Foolish, foolish fool. Foolish, foolish, foolish, foolish fool.

??

when I have a crush

??

when I think I'm in love

??

When I'm awake.

??

I'm foolish in my sleep, foolish when I'm awake, foolish when I'm sober, DEFNITELY foolish when intoxicated, I'll probably die foolishly, and chances are my corpse will be doing foolish things until long after my decaying process has finished.

??

Likely to be foolish when I am enjoying myself and have had too much
rum in too short of a time.

??

When I overly defend my right to be right.
Oh......and.... within the first few days of receiving a financial windfall.

I try to remember the age old question: Would I rather be right or happy? It serves as a gentle attitude adjustment and, generally, keeps me safe from foolishness.

??

When I've got a golf shot that has to carry 170 yards over water ... and I try it. FOOLISH
When I think I've got my golf swing problems figured out. FOOLISH
When I meet a nice looking single lady and think I'm a hunk. FOOLISH
When I expect the government to make wise decisions. FOOLISH
When I expect to hear the "issues" from McCain or Obama. FOOLISH

??

When I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Any one of these conditions individually is cause for a lapse in judgment, but in combination....hoooo laudy. Loneliness has led to my biggest lapses in judgment....lots of trying to make something out of nothing relationships and bending myself into a pretzel...which frequently led to lost sleep, hurt feelings, loss of appetite and cosmic foolishness.

??

foolish playful or foolish like a damn fool shortsighted selfish...?
think foolish playful, then the opposite of that

??

When I do not know all of the facts and then act upon on speculation.

??

Always when it comes to romantic love..........

??

Either in the presence of an attractive young woman or after two martinis. And you really don't want to be in the same room with me if there's a pretty woman and I've had two martinis.

??

When I'm with my husbear! He makes me feel whimsical.

??

When I have some extra money - it burns a hole in my pocket. I have to be especially careful right now because my mother's estate finally settled, and my portion is a nice "chunk of change". I have bills I want to pay-off, including a $2,000 loan from a sibling. I also want to "pay forward" $1,000 [a friend gave me that amount during a period of unemployment] and I have been waiting for this settlement in order to take that action - recipient already determined. The angel (on one shoulder) says to invest the rest; the devil (on the other shoulder) wants to SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!!!!

??

During those hours between waking and sleeping: I'm never a fool when I'm asleep.

??

When I'm hungry, angry, lonely, scared, or tired.

??

when I am angry or running late. And after I have got paid.

??

in conversation with someone I should be wary of but I've just had strong coffee and...oops, said too much

??

every day, especially if I have just had a latte

??

When I'm in the presence of certain men I find extremely attractive. I've gotten better over the years at controlling my behavior but every now and then I lose it and make a complete fool of myself.

??

When I lose control. I can control my mind and my actions, my schedule and even my bad habits... But there's one thing I can't control. And that is my heart.

So when am I most likely to be foolish?

When I'm in love.

??

When somebody has put you down in front of others.

??

when I'm in love

??

And mine...

My sister sent me a great birthday card once. On the front was a little girl covered in paint and beaming at the camera. The caption said: "You will do foolish things. But do them with enthusiasm."

This week's reminder.

Question of the Week (7/27/08)

2008-07-28T18:44:00.001-07:00

What does it take?

IT TAKES GUTS, BRAINS AND A BOATLOAD OF KNOW HOW!

??

obviously a Jewish man. a Jewish man says you look wonderful in that dress; good enough to eat. a gentile says, "yes you look fat in that dress; now get out of the way. i'm watching the game!"

??

Dedicated work until achieved. Everything is walking distance, if you have the time.

??

Visa or Mastercard

??

It takes two

??

Willingness, commitment, some genuine talent/ability (think American Idol), persistence, willingness to take risks. I came across this quote awhile ago that I really like, "Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

??

That's a good question. If I had the answer, perhaps life would be a bit less challenging, wouldn't it?

??

It takes time, so don't be in such a hurry...

??

Integrity and focus.

??

The right frame of mind - go to any lengths

??

A sense of humor, footwork, trust in the process, and staying away from that first drink!

??

prayer, willingness, intention, focus, ACTION, gratitude, self acceptance/ self acknowledgment and a spicy splash of angel protection.

??

Nothing short of everything

??

patience and time
forgiveness
heart

??

Discipline and devotion.

??

Faith and follow-through

??

Holding the narrative and pushing on.

??

a complete commitment to allowing oneself to hate better than anyone else; feel the pain for having to hate existentialy. create some kind of wall in which to hide the Larger pain of knowing that people have to hide in hate. then love.
oops . . .

??

Love, sweat, tears, and understanding

??

I'm inspired to quote my neighbor John, a 75 year old man who served in the Merchant Marines, drove a taxi and now stays out to 3 am a few times a week dancing with the ladies.

He calls "what it takes" the 3D's...dedication, determination and of course drive. I believe him; it can be applied to career, relationship and spiritual growth.

??

rigorous honesty and a light touch

??

I have no idea. I always think it takes working long hours and more money but I think I'm wrong. I think it takes faith, well directed action, grace, passion and humor and well some money probably wouldn't hurt.

??

Pain. Lots of it.
And then guidance.
Very solid guidance.
And then prayer.
Lots and lots of prayer.

??

You take a stick of bamboo,
you take a stick of bamboo,
you take a stick of bamboo,
you throw it in the water,
Oh, oh, Hanaah.

??

Balance...

??

A mature(about 50) artist/carpenter coworker of mine said to me one morning, as his old knees and stiff back where ailing him ..."where is my motivation gonna come from today?" I look back at that and almost everyday I get some motivation and inspiration. Sometimes thru other people doing the same thing as me, sometimes doing the opposite of me, sometimes people really wanting me to do something, and other times, no one but myself knows about what I am doing. So, I would say that it takes me showing up and and a little motivation.

??

Faith. And peanut butter.

??

Strength, versatility, a sense of humor, refusal to give up and a good friend or two.

??

hope

??

courage. the ability to keep going when it seems hopeless. the ability to laugh even during the most difficult moments.

??

The right ingredients, the right catalyst, and faith.

??

Patience

??

It takes less vagueness.

??

It takes a fearless, relentless, commitment to seeing the world as it really is, not as we believe or want it to be.

??

Determination, and a willingness to make some sacrifices along the way. Or, $1.75 to wash, $1.50 to dry.

??

it takes about a minute
it takes two to tango
it takes one to know one
it takes a thief to catch a thief
it takes a village (oh, please)
it takes all sorts to make a world
it takes a lifetime to forget someone
it takes a little doing
it takes a little spit and some nose grease
it takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage
it takes on a life of its own
it takes a second to say "I love you" but it takes a lifetime to show it

it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry

??

I know it doesn't take credit cards.

??

And mine...

A couple of double A batteries, patience and about 30-40 minutes.

Question of the Week 7/21/08

2008-07-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

First, a reminder:

And now, the question....

Once again, photo courtesy of http://jameth.livejournal.com/

(There were two questions this week. The answers appear below, in the order the questions were asked)

Who has more power in a romantic pursuit: The pursued or the pursuer?

Whoever has the least investment in the process.

??

THE PURSUED. That assumes the "pursued" has some life experience and can recognize the "pursuer" and deal with the intentions of same.

??

Pursued. Unless we're talking about some freaky stalker horror movie. Please don't tell me we're talking about that. I don't like horror movies.

??

In a pair, the person with the least desire for something always has the (most) power.

??

The pursued. That which is desired holds the power.

??

the pursued

??

the perused.

??

One would think that the 'pursurer'. However I feel that once the pursuee realizes what is going on, the 'pursurer' is a goner.

From a recovering 'pursuer'.

??

In my opinion (and experience) the pursued has more power. The pursuer is the one to make her- or himself vulnerable by showing interest in the first place, giving the one being pursued veto power over the whole transaction. I realize of course that reality is never that simple but that's the best I can do for now.

??

entirely depends on gender

??

the purse

??

The pursued. We are talking romance, not dysfunction or abuse issues or any other psychodrama, in romance the object of desire has the power

??

This question has too many other variables and is not an either/or situation. I have a emotional response to this question, but I know it is personal and cannot be given globally.

I have another better question. Where is my umbrella? The answer is that I don't have the faintest idea and it is raining. That is solid.

??

Whoever feels the best and has the best intentions.
Attraction and love gives one energy, if that energy can be utilized in a productive way, creatively and not in an obsessive way, then it can give one power. No matter what side you are on.

??

Whoever wants it more

??

The pursued. The pursued has the power encourage or discourage the pursuer. If the pursuer is a psychopath, that's a pursuit of another dimension.

??

That all depends on if the Pursued wants to be persured or not. Sometimes the Pursuer becomes a Stalker - not a good thing - when the Pursued doesn't wish to be persued by the Pursuer.

??
the pursued...they decide if the ending will be happy or not...

??

Definitely the pursued. Everyone likes to be chased!

??

Well, it depends on how well the pursuer pursues. There are a kind of people that have developed a familure relationship with attraction itself, and this person can turn a pursuit into a courtship easily by listening and delivering a specialized attention, by anticipating another's needs in such a subtle way so as to convince artfully the person being pursued that it is in the best interest to form neutrality...that the person pursuing is convincing in ideals. Almost always this sort of power has it's limitations, however. Any time a person creates the illusion of exterior needs being fulfilled, be it through means of physical attraction, money, status etc. All of these are temporary and this sort of power is bound to collapse eventually, as the person who grows dependent on the pursuer realizes that the source of fulfillment is not gained with the tax of another's external offers (which always are better in theory and even with good intention lacks the recipe of growth due to the nature of pursuit itself...that is, desire.) The person who is being pursued has the obvious power of choice, a monumental power, that is short lived. As soon as the person being pursued consents, the power is lost. There for, the most powerful of all, is the person who is honest with oneself, who, has the goal to share instead of own.

??

Depends. Which one am I in this scenario?

??

Neither.

Isn't The Pursued chasing in their own way, and The Pursuer sought after?

If two people are coming together in hopes of becoming whole, then they will only be trying to get their own needs met.
When each lover already has their own spark of inspiration there is no power difference between the two. Trust, love, and delight in being together are shared equally.

??

The pursued!! People totally lose focus when you have something they
think they need

??

equal distribution...without one the other is irrelevant

??

And mine...

I always feel like the pursuer has the power. However, now that I think about it, when I have pursued is when it's never really worked out. Huh.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Please list albums/cds that make you happy.

I think you should publish all the answers to the original question even if they are all the same. Especially if they are all the same! I find it more artistic and interesting than a frickin' list of favorite CDs.
...and you should publish this.

??

The Vandalias' "Mach V". It's one of the few albums I can listen to from beginning to end.

Favorite lyric: "It don't take a B.A. to know the party's over."

??
Everything by the Beatles makes me smile, guaranteed.
“Little” Michael Jackson tunes
Stone Roses first LP
Vampire Weekend
Bowie – all of it.
??

Crosby, Stills & Nash 1st album.
Mark Knopfler - Shangri-La
Beatles
Hard Days Night
Rubber Soul
Revolver
Sergeant Pepper's...

Grateful Dead
Workingman's Dead
American Beauty
Etcetera...

??

Fishbone – any of the first 3 albums
Pixies – first 3 albums
Beasties Boys – Check Your Head

??

a superswift totally unthoughtout list of twenty (with only the first one in order):

1. Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison
2. Hüsker Dü’s Zen Arcade
3. Bob Marley’s Rasta Revolution (on the old Trojan record label)
4. Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony
5. Saint-Saens Organ Symphony
6. Gang of Four’s Entertainment
7. The Specials first album
8. Sleater-Kinney’s All Hands on the Bad One (and Dig Me Out)
9. The Byrd’s Sweethearts of the Rodeo
10. The Pogues’ Rum, Sodomy and the Lash
11. Kinks albums from the 60's and early 70's
12. Funkadelic’s One Nation Under a Groove
13. Hole’s Live Through This
14. Any original Velvet Underground album
15. The Clash’s first album
16. The Sex Pistols’ Never Mind the Bollocks
17. John Coltrane’s Meditations
18. Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue
19. Bikini Kill’s Pussy Whipped
20. The Gits' Enter: The Conquering Chicken

and also:
*** A set of mix tapes of greatest hits of the Lovin’ Spoonful, the Box Tops, Beach Boys,
Donovan, The Rascals, Simon & Garfunkel and others popmakers of that period.

Lots is missing.

??

I like White Stripes right now, Icky Thump and White Stripes, last and first albums. New live stones album, shine a light. combined Swans cd which is Children of God and World of Skin which is wonderfully intense, fucked up and beautiful...

Album/Compact Disk by Public Image Limited.

that's this week. in general, music that makes me happy is a mix of loud guitar rock, punk, ambient, experimental stuff like throbbing gristle, some jazz, and funk or stuff with lovely vocals. I enjoyed seeing Ministry this year and I'm looking fwd to seeing My Bloody Valentine and possibly Primus soon. dance music, electronic, great for listening And dancing...

I would like to add Funkadelic, Maggot Brain to that list for now.

??

Two Questions in one Week! Which to answer? Both, of course!

I like CDs where I can sing along. So, CDs of SF Choral Society performances (I usually have my part memorized by the time a concert is performed), Barry Manilow, Johnny Mathis, Michael Bolton, Josh Groban, Barbra Streisand, Audra MacDonald, and just about anything Christmas Carol-y.

??

Anything by Leonard Cohen.

??

"Come Fly With Me" by Frank Sinatra
"Welcome Interstate Managers" by Fountains of Wayne
"The Best of Dean Martin" (Captitol, 1966) by Dean Martin

??

Rockferry Duffy

Frank Amy Winehouse

Spirit Leona Lewis

Wicked Original Bway cast

Company Orig. Bway cast

Legally Blonde Orig. Bway cast

Songs of Mass Destruction Annie Lennox

Brooklyn the musical Orig. Bway cast

I have SO Many!!!

??

Whats an album? I just get songs off of I-tunes....like "simple man" and "mama's don't let your babys grow up to be cowboys".....these types of songs do the trick for me.

??

Vivaldi's Four Seasons...performed by any full orchestra

??

Rolling Stones' Hot Rocks
Fleetwood Mac's Rumours
The Best of Bowie
Steely Dan's Aja
Donald Fagen's Nightfly
and alas, true to my homo heart, the soundtrack of "Chicago"

??

The Clash - London Calling
Rancid - And Out Come the Wolves
Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Don't Know How to Party
Hot Water Music - Never Ender
Bouncing Souls - Anchors Aweigh

??

AC/DC - Back in Black
Waylon Jennings - Dreamin My Dreams
Grateful Dead - anything, but especially live shows and Without A Net
Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Greg Brown - Bathtub Blues
YAZ - both albums

Lots more but that's a start!

??

Absolutely anything at all by Me First and The Gimme Gimmes. Music so bouncy that it suffers no mope within its area of affect.

??

Paul Simon: Negotiations and Love Songs
Guns n Roses: Appetite for Destruction
Jazz Duets: Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald
Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue Live at Jazzfest 2008
Bo Dollis and the Wild Magnolias: "I'm Back, (At Mardi Gras Time)"
Brazz Tree: "Spiral On"
Leonard Bernstien doing Rhapsody in Blue, by Gershwin
George Carlin (RIP): You are all diseased
Bill Cosby's Noah and the Ark
The Violent Femmes (just came across a cassette tape, haha)
Donna Summers, On the Radio
ABBA: The GOlden Hits

??

There are two Queen albums that I love. One's got a burgundy cover, one's black. Basically it's all the best Queen songs in two perfect CDs. I also used to feel very relaxed after listening to James Blunt's first album... now it just sounds kind of whiny. :(

??

Julieta Venegas' Unplugged CD
Belanova's Dulce Beat
Miguel Bosé's Papito

??

I love these albums, they make my day every time

"New York" by Lou Reed
self titled Velvet Underground *The Andy Warhol painting is also
lovely cover art*
"Brown Book" by Death in June
"Music, Martini's and Misanthropy" by Boyd Rice and Friends
"Washing Machine" by Sonic Youth
"Nunsexmonkrock" by Nina Hagen
"Beauty Reaps the Blood of Solitude" by Nature and
Organisation....this one is supposed to be released on CD. When it is,
listen to it, it's one of the best collaborations I have ever heard.
"Back in Black" ACDC
"Pretty Ugly" Lunachicks
"The First 2 Albums on CD" by Bikini Kill
"This Island" by Le Tigre
"The Serpent's Egg" and "Spiritchaser" by Dead Can Dance
"The Black Mass" and "Satan Takes a Holiday" by Anton Szandor LaVey

Thank you, this is a rad concept. I saw a picture of your request in
chalk from Jameth from Livejournal, Flickr, etc.

??

Surprise Me Mr. Davis
The Slip
CSNY
Feist
Wilco!

??

The Presidents of the United States of America - II

It is perfect in every way.

??

Hi there,

I assume I'm going to get spammed by some marketer who's all like "if you like blah blah, then you'll love the new CD by blah blah" but what the hell, maybe you're just looking for some awesome music. Here are some albums that make me happy:

Badly Drawn Boy - The Hour of Bewilderbeast
The Notwist - Neon Golden
Radiohead - Kid A
Lykke Li - Youth Novels
Television - Marquee Moon
Hot Chip - Made In The Dark
King Khan and the Shrines - What Is?!
Fleet Foxes - Sun Giant
Cat Power - The Greatest

etc.

my own plug:

thisrecording.com
tumbledore.tumblr.com
SFfun.blogspot.com

??

Neutral Milk Hotel "In the airplane over the sea"
Kool Keith "Sex Style"
the Wu Tang song "Method Man"
Almost anything by the Liars or Melt Banana.

??

recent albums:
my morning jacket - live double album
beck - modern guilt
anything by pearl jam
tupac

please leave more messages. did you get your answer as to 'how it works'. if not, let me know and i can tell you.

??

rogue wave - Descended Like Vultures

??

Saw the sidewalk chalk on the way home yesterday...

So why not really.

The Hush Sound - Like Vines has always made me happy, as it just seems to be filled with a vibrant happy-go-lucky energy. Great album for telling depression to sod off.

Mates of State - Re-arrange Us is my other new obsession, as it's varied enough to keep me interested on Bart, but still wonderful in its execution.

Tilly and the Wall - o is great, if only because they're completely awesome live.

??

The shins - chutes too narrow
animal collective - strawberry jam
michael jackson - thriller

??

1) Steel Pulse, True Democracy
2) Stevie Wonder, Definitive Collection
3) Thelonius Monk, Thelonius Monk with John Coltrane

Single Songs:

1) Little Wing, Stevie Ray Vaughn
2) My Cheri Amore, Stevie Wonder
3) Mahna Mahna
4) Trinkle Tinkle, Thelonius Monk
5) Mercy Street, Black Uhuru
6) Banana Phone

??

"Her Majesty" by The Decemberists
"Fire" by Electric Six
"Glow" by The Innocence Mission
"Funeral" by The Arcade Fire

??

tori amos, little earthquakes
joni mitchell, court and spark
annie lennox, diva
kings of convenience, riot on an empty street
patty griffin, 1000 kisses
madonna, confessions on a dance floor
john mayer, continuum
leela james
john legend, let's get lifted
jill scott

i think that'll do it....

??

Avalon, Roxy Music
Ever Changing Moods, Style Council
Everlasting Blink, Bent

??

haunted, poe.

??

"hallelujah" Jeff Buckley
"o" Damien Rice
"until the sun turns black" ray lamontagne
"slingshot professionals" Kelly joe Phelps

Though they are all kind of depressing!

??

LOVE this question! Being a singer/songwriter music in one of the most important things in my life. I feel drawn to answer this question in my own way and list SONGS that make me happy, not CDs. Here they are in all their eclectic glory, in no particular order.

Punk/Rock:

the Creatures: Standing there (so angry, so freeing!)
Siouxsie and the Banshees: Spellbound
Nine Inch Nails: Closer

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Give it away

Loudlife: Let go of the Wheel

Guesch Patti: Etienne

Pop/Rock
The feeling: Sewn and I love it when you call
Kate Bush: Hounds of Love
Peter Gabriel: Contact

Funk/Disco
Pick up the pieces - Average White Band
You make me Feel - Sylvester

Jungle Boogie - Kool and the Gang

OK, Now here are some ALBUMS:

Shawn Colvin - Fat city

Fountains of Wayne: Welcome Interstate Managers
Supremes a Go-Go

The Ventures - Knock Me Out

Traffic - John Barelycorn Must Die

Teena Marie - It must be Magic

I can't wait to read what the rest of you QOW-ers write! I hope to discover some cool music! Music is the safest most meaningful way for me to have my feelings. I don't know what I'd do without it.

I also encourage our wonderful Jocelyn to ask what songs/albums move us the most, which make us think the most, what are some and what songs we just don't get!

??

Most anything involving Brian Wilson/The Beach Boys. "Wild Honey", "Pet Sounds" (of course), "Smile", "Sunflower", and the box set sit up front. After that there are so many -- so I'll give you a few overlooked to kind of overlooked gems: The Kinks, "Are the Village Green Preservation Society" and "Kronikles" (a comp); Love, "Forever Changes"; NRBQ, "Peekaboo' (also a comp), Peter Hosapple and Chris Stamey, "Mavericks"; Dwight Twilley Band, "Sincerely"; and the amazing "Shake Some Action" by the Flamin' Groovies.

Gotta stop somewhere.....

??

The Fratellis-Costello Music

Styx-Greatest Hits

Queen-Every Album

Vertical Horizon-Everything You Want

??

And mine...

Lately, Details by Frou Frou, Best of Booty 2007,

What do you appreciate about yourself? 7/14/08

2008-07-15T12:42:00.001-07:00

The virus is spreading! This photo is courtesy of http://jameth.livejournal.com/profile.

I appreciate the fact that I can time travel and space travel. I appreciate the fact that some days I can turn a corner and see only triangles on the next avenue. I appreciate the dead people who talk to me (not all the time, and only in short phrases after asking a lot). I appreciate the fact that I know the distance between a woman and a man and how to speak in both of their languages. I appreciate the vision of the sky above at night which lets me know how infinitesimal I really am, but how every fluctuation in me is of matter.

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How endlessly entertaining I am to myself. I think I am intellectually deep, spiritually evolved (all the way to advanced atheism), politically astute, and I play really really hard and really really well.

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I keep myself good company, I'm a good friend to myslef.

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That I can lead a support group whose members would once have made me uncomfortable and/or contemptuous. Judge not that ye be judged is an appropriate line here.

That I can go out under pressure and make my instrument sound like I want it to sound, consistently. This was certainly not a gift that was handed to me; I sweat blood to make it happen. In my forties, I was going out to jam sessions three or four times a week, testing my ability to do this. It was like playing three mini-concerts each week.

Last--that I go out into the streets dressed as the opposite gender, and I'm ready to handle whatever might come my way. Most people here respect this choice; it's not as bad as you might think it could be. But I expect to be treated well, too.

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I don't hold grudges, and as a result I don't have any enemies. There may be folks who don't like me, but I can honestly say I don't dislike (or hate) anyone enough to call them an enemy.

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sense of humor, courageous exploration, good eye-hand coordination

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I may not always succeed, but at least I try to be nice to people, understanding and tolerant of our differences, and do my best at assigned tasks - at home (I assign myself tasks since I live alone), at work, etc. I no long strive to be a people pleaser, but I do understand the importance of being courteous and try to embody that as much as possible.

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I am good listener and i'm genuinely interested in what others have to say. I appreciate the quality of engaging others out heartfelt curiousity.

I appreciate the high regard I have for pampering myself. Routine facials, massages, vacations, bubble baths and pedicures are imperative as a component to my self care.

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my humor

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I appreciate my compassion towards others and ability to truly listen.

And don't get me started on my humility!!!!!!!!! :)

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passion

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Tenacity, devotion, discipline, sense of humor, passion for life, natural connection to kitties, my semi-newfound ability to rest in the gap without doing something life-ruining to get over the uncomfortableness of it, my ability to constantly evolve.

This is all very exciting since the answer used to be, "Nothing. I suck."

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I appreciate that I love to get excited!!!

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The frightened little boy, the angry young man, and the brave warrior, and the wise sage.

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that i have a sense of humor deep down inside

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My 'caring' nature.

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I appreciate that I allow change to happen-within and without. It ain't always easy. I appreciate that I allow myself imperfection. Definately not easy. I appreciate that I am trying not to be afraid.

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No matter how sorry for myself I might feel, I never lose my ability to laugh at myself. There are times when that truly saves my butt.

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"I'm smart, I'm pretty, and I can't be beat!" - Muhammed Ali

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My energy, especially the positivity.

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my sense of humor, my body and health, and my talents

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That again and again I keep turning toward life, and leaning into it.

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my ability to grow and learn. My search for intimacy and freedom.

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My ability to work in hostile situations.

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My natural tendency is to be moderate and well-rounded. I mix it up. I don't generally go overboard with any one thing, so I don't have problems with addiction, for example. I am able to just accept stuff, and very little shocks me. When people are just using me I can usually tell. What else. . . why is this such a hard question to answer? My lips.

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my ability to change things even when it's scary. always trusting in myself to make the right decisions (even if they don't always feel that way..)

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My red hair.

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...my ability to think through complex situations quicker than most can.
And that I know the difference between "your" and "you're".

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malevolence
schadenfreude
hilarity
sloth
consumerism
greed

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I appreciate the fact that I can think of something big and life changing I would like to be doing in a year or more, and one day when I am doing that very thing I realize "Holy shit, I wanted to be doing exactly this X years ago. Wow." It's happened multiple times, and it's always a rewarding feeling because I know I got there not through focusing on that idea but simply by doing something I love. Usually I forget I even wanted to do something until it happens.

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I appreciate the fact that I've kept going, despite an ugly habit of kicking myself down. I appreciate the fact that I've learned the habit is not me, and now that I've finished many years of dialogue with this creature, we're finally parting ways. I appreciate that I've made the decision, time and time again, to do something good for the world, even though it often feels like that is not what people want. I appreciate my ability to see beneath the surface, and realize that the world is better and strong than it might seem.

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I make myself laugh.

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And mine...

My ass.

What excites you? 7/6/08

2008-07-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

(Photo by Alecs)

intimacy

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sleep. really good sex. libras with some scorpio in them or vice
versa. flourless chocolate cake. gluten free anything. cycling.
running long distances. long hair. writing novels, painting, showing
my work, caffeine, success, learning stuff, talking to straight guys
over 30. not dating. tattoos. skateboards. etc.

and lavalamps!

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planning a vacation. doing the vacation research. planning the flight, hotel,
accommodations, transportation....and of course the places I / we will eat....researching the restaurants, the museums (if applicable), the sights,
and the places the locals go.

and I love playing "travel agent" for myself by booking my own flights. Yes......Getting outta dodge and going on VACATION turns me on.

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Oh so many things!

Hee hee hee....

I dare not say as to not offend the sensibilities of the readers.

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ugh. I am tired of being too excited.
Ok, seriously...yoga excites me!

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1)Getting slowly toward the future that I have been planning and wishing for for so long. (exciting and SCARY!!!)
2)Barackobamamania (are YOU ready for change?)
3)Getting new dresses
4)Still and always watching my sister in the throws of an awesome violin solo. Whew! Still gives me chills!!! I get to this place where I almost want to cry and yet I'm on the edge of my seat!
5) When I get to where I parked my bike and she's still there! (got the last one stolen, still a little raw)

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hearing truth to power being spoken.

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my kids, my girl, the ocean, opportunity, fear

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when i make a new friend, or when i know i'm going to travel to a beautiful place or see some old friends that i haven't seen in a while.

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People

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novelty

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1977 Punk Rock

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Rafting Class IV rapids. Frightening and exhilarating.

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-the 3 jewels!
-my insane, debilitating, years-long depression? kicking it to the curb by giving up sugar!
-the new battlestar frakkin' galactica!
-writing
-knowing that even when i'm stressed/pissed/sad/freaking out that suffering is *optional*
-kitties!
-collages
-flying
-doing the online web work that i do
-art
-music

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Lately, knitting, news of my niece and her partner getting married (next week on the top of Twin Peaks), expecting a new grand-nephew (late August), and attening my 45th high school reunion (can't wait to see which guys still have hair and which gals still have waists)!

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Finding out that I inherited some money...when I need it the most.

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Women's pro football here in Seattle, the undefeated Seattle Majestics.

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In a less-fulfilling way, fantasy, flirting and intrigue. In a more fulfilling way, being near Amma, some art (esp. Indian calendar/diety art!), the idea that maybe, just maybe, Amma wants amazing and wonderful things for me, if only I could step the fuck out of the way.

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MB; a great golf shot; Major PGA golf tournaments; NFL football (Carolina Panthers); Super Bowl; Cooking something special/new; A nice looking lady; Winston and Wooster; a well-groomed garden; good music; computers; a real wood fire in my oversized fireplace; fireworks; my XKE and my XKR; fishing; and more!

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A good piece of cheesecake... let's face it, a bad piece excites me too!!!!

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I went through a break up last week. Normally I would walk around embracing my abandonment and spare time with bouts of self pity and slight tendency toward self destructive actions in the heart of rock n roll. So naturally, The first day single I did. Unfortunately for me I found that strip clubs after gigs and my ol' Irish band mates had lost their eclipsing charm...suddenly before my eyes borrowing the dreary seat of midlife crises surrounded around a sea of paid naked birds clacking around in plastic platforms, was (gasp) disco. and it says in the book of rock n roll, "thou shalt not practice disco for nothing good may cometh of it." Now where was I to find my excitement? My cheap thrills and temporary kicks? Had I out grown my vague tendency toward self destruction? Indeed, friends, I had. So a new day of sorrow sulking and sympathy fishing was born. But then (as life is notoriously funny) a gift of advice came to my pocket in the form of a list. An old salty sea dog (a bay fisherman and part time bar patron) came in to my bar and listened to my woes. Ladies, listen up. His unusual advice was music to my deprived ears. After incredible attention, he reached in to his pocket and pulled out a pen and paper, and on this he wrote:

Too Due List:

1. sky dive
2. go kayaking
3. gourmet cooking/ learn to prepare sushi
4. learn a language
5. go ice skating
6. redecorate your apt.
7. plant a garden or buy a plant
8. ride a moped around the city
9. ride a bike through out the park
10. get a massage
11. travel to an exotic country
12. read a trashy book in the park
13. paint
14. go salsa dancing
15. see a documentary
16. go to a cafe and order dessert and espresso
17. write
18. learn an instrument
19. audition for a play or a commercial
20. see a play or the opera
21. go to a festival and dance in public
22. go sailing
23. go to see frida exhibit
24. Dress classy but also sexy and sophisticated every single day.

After reading this list, (he said sky diving puts it all into perspective better then months of therapy) I was had. I try and do one thing on the list each day (He said I wasn't aloud to think about the guy who broke up with me for at least one week in order to have a clearer perspective). He said that to hell with rock n roll, start living, girl. Life is short.

In this week I have dressed well every day, I have done some thing incredibly exciting. I have been sober and healthy, and I have fallen in love with life again. I carry the too due list with me in my wallet to remind myself that I can make myself happy. And with this confidence, all kinds of different men from every walk of life are asking me out, I have had awesome conversations with people, and I feel independent and free.

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A healthy mammogram.

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1. Penguins getting eaten by seals. What can I say, I don't like penguins.
2. Motorcycle rides on curvy roads or straight over 120 MPH with someone riding bitch holding me.
3. Rollercoasters multiple times in a row.
4. Watching the sunset on the beach on a warm night, campfire and food, clam bake, lobster boil, and holding someone in my arms and barely speaking.
5. Learning to stroke and trying to connect to someones energy.
6. Holding someone at the peek before cresting as long as possible while having sex.
7. Finding a solution to the problem no one else can solve in math or science.
8. Trying to figure out a solution to where all the Dark Matter is, that is locking gravitational rotation speeds in spiral galaxies.
8. Sex in public or forbidden places.
9. Hacking into .gov database systems just to look around.
10. Forwarding someones mail I hate to Alaska.
11. Peeking simultaneously.
12. Making food a sexual experience. Gormet food. Real foody place, or something simpler i.e. A whole Lobster cracked open and letting the drawn butter drip down the side of your mouth while someone catches it with their lobster and eats it.
13. Getting into a bar fight.
14. Skydiving.
15. Target practice at a firing range.
16. Being not in control.
17. Someone that can beat me in Poker or Pool.
18. The Opera.
19. Watching someone sexy walk by, them smiling, and then watching the winks of their ass after they pass me, and fade into the distance.
20. Writing something I find worthy afterwards while reading it.
21. Doing stand-up.
22. Performing at a poetry slam.
23. The smile of someone who loves me.
24. Watching a graet movie like Brazil, The Host, Blade Runner, Tampopo, Baraka, The Usual Suspects, Enemy at the Gates, The Illusionist, Fight Club, etc...
25. Deep sea fishing.

And the list goes on...

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You! People. Sunlight. Not a lot. Forgetting my head. Seeing an old relative. Or an old friend. Reconnecting. Going on a trip. Communication. Eyes. Connecting with a book. Feeling a part of a character or THE SAME as a character. Relaxing and noticing I don't have to do life and that EVERYTHING is ecstasy. And then CRASH! Excitement for me comes in inspired bursts and I don't know well enough how to muster it on my own..! I guess I could pretend I am traveling, or another character.

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Slipping a wrench off something I am trying to loosen. I almost get anry.

Riding too fast in the city on two wheeled contraptions. I almost get humbled.

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My work, realizing I can change the way I think, travel.....

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Sweet or salty food, sexual communication, great rock and roll.

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And mine...

When a man to whom I am attracted puts his hands in my hair, bicycling, steak, sex, making a connection with a new client, talking about how to sell more effectively and showing others how to do it, newness.

What are you compulsive about? 6/29/08

2008-06-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

eating breakfast in the morning. Fearing the day, panicking. Blaming others. Getting mad. Comparing. Non-acceptance. Being negative.

I'm also sometimes compulsive about ambition. Trying hard, then giving up. trying hard, then giving up.

I'm compulsive about procrastination.

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what am I NOT compulsive about?...OK, let's see...I am compulsively late. I am always on-time for the things in life that won't wait....i.e. planes, trains, and job interviews......but everything else, I am usually late. The old story is that it doesnt REALLY matter if I'm late......I think I need to change the story.....It DOES matter.

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I always make double-sure the stove is off when I leave home. Too many times I've had to turn my car around and go back home just to make sure I hadn't accidentally incinerated my house.

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Making lists. Ha!
neatness and order in my home
crushes
bedtime rituals
morning coffee
vitamins

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chocolate

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I don't think anything I do rises to the level of compulsion. I am fastidious about a few things...weeding, deadheading spent flowers, making my bed every day, brushing my teeth. But even those things...I'm not so fastidious that I would be late for something in order to do them first. Except maybe brushing teeth.

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Checking locks and my hair.

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answering these weekly questions.

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A LOT more than I should like to admit. In the interest of not disturbing myself or others further, it's probably best that I not talk more about it.

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I apply and reapply lip balm continually throughout the day.

I find it hard but not impossible to watch a DVD without eating microwave popcorn.

I check my email every ten minutes, on average.

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About always looking my best. At 37, living in the gay world it seems life sets you aside for the new young ones, but I'd rather be older and hot, than younger and not so much. I'm compulsive about my body image.

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Nothing yet everything... It's annoying

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Everything. Seriously.

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Anything that brings me some modicum of pleasure, most especially anything sweet. Also chocolate!

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An easier, shorter answer would be what am I Not compulsive about. Like...um...that one thing... , and..uh..that other thing...yeah that...see I knew it was a shorter answer...

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answering these questions

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Just about anything. Seems like lately my little brain will lock onto something and won't let go! I find myself trying to go to bed late at night and then the great idea that I should "clean up" my Inbox on e-mail, and then blamo, I am locked in, until everything is finally dealt with. Or, I will be looking around my jobsite and I can't start working until I have done a thorough clean up, even though I know that cleaning is just going to be reapeated in a few hours. But, usually no harm, so no foul. I just roll with it....

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cleaning the kitchen.
making the bed in the morning
coffee

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Getting to work on time. When I was 19, I worked security in a building on New Montgomery, and I was routinely 3-5 minutes late. At the time I didn't think much of it, until the person I was taking over for made a complaint and I was transferred. It made me realize how rude it was for someone to have to wait around for me every day because I couldn't get there 5-10 minutes early so he could update me on the goings on and he could still leave at his scheduled time. Now being late is one of my biggest pet peeves. Me being late. Others being late on occasion is fine, as long as it's not all the time. I understand traffic and public transportation issues. I generally will give myself an extra 20-30 minutes because I'd rather be early and read my book than feel like I'm rushing to get somewhere on time.

I do have one friend, however, who is always late. 15-30 minutes every time, sometimes more. So, I just plan on it with her. If she's picking me up, I know I have an extra bit of time to get ready. If I'm meeting her somewhere, I don't worry about getting there on time. If we're headed for dinner club, I go on my own because I don't want to be late because of her, even if it's inconvenient to get to. It's just too stressful for me. To me it tells me that person thinks their time is more important than my time. It expresses arrogance to me.
Okay, rant over :-)!

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hand washing. I wash my hands about 40x daily.
saying I'm sorry. clearing my throat. checking that the oven is off.

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any thing consumable, like food and the drink. affection for the sake of crush crutches, for the sake of does he like me's in the world/ I wonder if being fake is trying to think about yourself through the eyes of other people and what it's like to not trust yourself and because you don't, you can't really trust any one else either. (So the entire action is circular and defunct of any purpose. Hello, my name is and I indulge in distraction. and call it novel) I think a lot about trust and feeling safe. I think that no person can ever make me feel safe, so perhaps instead of safe all I can learn to be is free. Freedom to me is the liberation of compulsion and that is a whole life process...never complete, never resolved. my compulsion to yearn for feelings of safety is at best some juvenile attempt to avoid the truth of life, which is that nothing lasts, nothing desired or yearned after brings fulfillment, the base of primitive thinking is chasing after safety in the the things that so obviously teach us each time that no peace comes in surrounding or indulging these compulsions, these thoughts, and all time is wasted in avoiding freedom. My freedom is knowing no safety so with death on my heels I meet the life I have and be thankful for the moments I am free of compulsion, for there are always only moments.

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anything I like

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Cheese Doodles -- how can you stop?

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And mine...

Lip balm. If I don't have it with me when I go out, I usually stop somewhere and buy it. It has to be a certain brand. I must have at least 10 tubes of it in use at any given time.

And, of course, the QOTW.