I rage. I sob. I write poems of the Wounded God. I used to be quiet. I will never be silent again.
??
Sad songs and a box of kleenex
??
I stuff down the emotion of sadness and then let it come out in anger/control somewhere else that is usually sort of inappropriate for that situation. I got my dad's death stuffed down there so far, its coming out all over the place, but usually when I drive or deal with big institutions.
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I cry a lot. I write letters that will never be sent. I write poetry. I think too much about what I could have done differently, but that usually doesn't get me any where. I talk, sometimes to the right people, sometimes to the wrong people. I blunder my way through the pain until I wake up one day and its not the first thing I think about. Having been through the process many times now, I recognize the odd fact that this too will fade into the past as the rest of life ambles along relentlessly, requiring more and more of my attention. The grief eventually gets less and less attention. Then it is residual in the form of a photograph or a song or a faint, lingering, familiar and pleasant odor left on a garment or the memory of a purchase together or the color of a gift that was given. And then the grief is gone and these things are just things and, in a way - gratefully, nothing more. Memories fade and life swells, requiring that you move on. Well, its never easy or quick, but pretty much follows that path for me.
If I may say: It is somehow very precious to grieve, to have your heart be so incredibly broken. The thoughts and feelings during grief eventually become bare-bones honest and some of the most meaningful you might ever experience. Embrace it and learn from it. Don't worry, the numbing facts of reality will slip back into your life quick enough, so don't rush the process.
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my best friend from childhood and teens' Dad just passed away.... I did my run to the beach as usual , but this time took a break and cried. Straightforward and age-old way to grieve.
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by talking to my close friends. by sleeping. a lot. by crying. a lot. it helps to accept it and then let it all out. it makes it easier to let go
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slowly........painfully.......with help from loved ones......
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Internally--unfortunately for me. I often wish I weren't so afraid of crying and otherwise letting my grief express itself outwardly.
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Depends on what the loss is. As an empty-nester mom, I grieve the loss of a close bond with my sons through awareness and acceptance. I am sad sometimes. I even allow a glint of bitterness here and there, and then I move ahead in my own life. The death of my dog, I cried almost unconsolably, off and on, for 3 days. And then allowed myself to miss her. Three years later, I just now got a puppy and wonder often WTF was I thinking. So, I try to feel emotions appropriate to the loss and avoid "replacements" until a suitable time has passed. I replaced my sons with dating and ended up with a new husband. Some losses are much more cut and dried. Parents are dead. Dog is dead. Not much you can do about that. I think part of daily living is to touch upon the grief of changes that engender loss.
I am strengthened by the Native American approach of acknowledging the connectedness of all things and the beauty and reality of ever present cycles (nature, seasons, birth/death, sunrise/sunset, inhale/exhale, plant/harvest, conception/birth.) I try to not avoid grieving over much things which have had their full "season" and have more sadness for those thing that are interrupted. Then I accept that that, too, is part of the cycle. I do not feed myself the soft comfort foods of denial and magical thinking.
We were driving past a large and impressive cemetery a few weeks ago. My 4 yr. old grandson piped up from the back seat, "Gramma, is that heaven?"
"No, Hunter. That place is called a cemetery." And I offer a brief explanation of the purpose they serve.
"But it has to be heaven, Gramma, because that where you go when you die. And when you die, you go to heaven."
I got the chance to explain to him that heaven is just what some people believe. There are other people, like me, who believe that when you die your life energy is just freed into the world. Since everything dies eventually, the energy just keeps moving. Death is naturual and how it is supposed to be. He was 100% calm and cool about that. He didn't freak out to learn that dying HAPPENS. I didn't need to feed him another Santa Clause scheme to protect him from reality. We talked about being sad for awhile when I die and when poppy dies and his dog dies. And, it was like...ok. Can we go to the beach.
My mottos: No boxes for me. Death is not a failure. Go with the flow. No false platitudes. Acceptance.
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Very physically. My lupus flares up, I have seizures. When my oldest friend killed himself a few years ago I was in bed for months and in horrible pain. I was slapped and screamed at every time I cried as a child, so I have come to hide all outward manifestations of grief, and instead they literally become physical. It's something I've never been able to work through.
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In my own way and time, just like everyone else.
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The biggest loss in my life in terms of death was my Aunt Kattie, my godmother, who died 18 years ago. She was a glamour gal who came of age in the ‘40s, and was such a character. Not once in her life did she sit in the sun or wear pants. And wherever she went, she always wore her Jackie O sunglasses (that she got in Rite-Aid).
I suppose I’ve never stopped grieving for her. When we cleared out her house, I took a lot of her over-the-top decorations, like a frilly mirror and this pixie sculpture that protrudes from the wall. You’d really have to see it to believe it.
How I miss her.
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Depends on who it is for. This last week brought out a lot of old connections and a get-together for me with other grieving former students of our beloved teacher, Frank McCourt. We sang the songs and told the stories he taught us, and we told stories of our own.
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Interesting you ask. We are nearing the anniversary of the death of a friend who had died quite unexpectantly last year. How did I grieve. I was pretty much usless and in shock, then extremely horny for some reason! I guess its the body's way of dulling the pain. I slept at odd hours, cried, got mad, and surrounded myself only with close friends. It was weird though, some people I didn't want to see at all, some people I couldn't see enough of, most of the time I didn't want to pick up the phone. I think once we loose someone very close, without warrant or reason, a part of us never stops grieving.
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The old classics: crying, writing, eulogizing, and blessing whatever I
learned from the loss, whether it's a death, a breakup, leaving a job,
leaving a home, etc. And I have experienced all of these recently, so
I can say with some assurance that the old classics still work.
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Isolate, spend, eat, sleep, and occasionally share my experiences.
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I've been masturbating a lot. But I think that has more to do with what I'm grieving.
??
With tears and gentleness.
I also use my healing modality to open me to the grief when I can't get to it alone.
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Privately
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being kind to myself by nurturing and caring for my body and getting plenty of sleep. taking luxurious alone time. crying as much as i need to. doing buddhist practices, continuing to move forward and never shutting down.
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Behind closed doors when I can.
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By escaping. When my dad died, my brothers and I were devastated. On the day of his funeral, we went go-karting afterward (which my father would have loved, had he known about it). When I had a miscarriage, my husband and I decided to leave town for a few days, not tell anyone, and spend the time at Disneyland. I don't know that any of this eased the pain I was experiencing, but it did allow me to spend those difficult times with loved ones who were also grieving for the same loss, in a non-destructive way.
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With tears, acceptance, honesty and positivity. I do not isolate. It is so important to not let any outcome or event or difference effect or take away one's ability to love and be open to life. In the movie, "under the Tuscan sun" a character describes it as: "never lose your childhood innocence." and what I think she means by that, is: grieve yes. Grieve with the experiences of our lives and yet, do not let those experiences so harden us that we are defined by our grieving and not available to happiness and life.
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Avoidance. Then for realz I cry, scream (esp if in a car alone on the freeway for example), get angry, journal, watching movies, crying some more, prayer. I ought to add meditation to that formula, too...
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I grieve loud and long and wet. Then I go to the AIDS Memorial Grove and sit in the curved circle and read the names of all the people who were loved and who died and who are remembered. Then I walk through the park and weep some more. Sooner or later I wind up at the beach in Half Moon Bay and begin making my peace with God. Eventually I do formalized sitting and grief work at the Zen Hospice Project on Paige at Laguna. For my father, I planted a tree. I love to go there and spend time with him.
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I try to do it quickly and to myself, as to help others grieve.
??
silence
pawing at distractions
wandering
delaying the feeling like searching
for
misplaced glasses
??
Deeply and long. I often wear my grief for the world to see; my emotions are usually evident to anyone with working eyes.
??
Not very well, in my own estimation. But if I've learned anything at all about grieving, it's this:
Leave space for feelings to come up and don't be disappointed, or judge yoursef, if they fail to appear on schedule. The process will unfold in accordance with a logic that might not seem to make sense. Trying to push it or hold it back simply won't work.
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The classic psychology of Kubler-Ross describes the 5 stages of grief:
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
(See; "All That Jazz", or The Simpson's episode "One Fish, Two Fish, Blow-Fish, Blue Fish")
It seems that I personally tend to follow:
Denial, Anger, Depression, Denial
(I guess I should work on that)
??
i watch people watch me grieve and wait for my experience of the 'grievance' to meet their apparent demand. on an internet that can also, with some payment, give yopu a child getting his head cut off. (probably too strong to the www)
oh, also on the www.grivethatheadofhis.com
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I sob upon hearing certain songs -- some country weepers, a few by Otis Redding, several Brian Wilson aching falsetto numbers. They open the flood gates of the lost childhood, the ex-girlfriend who won't/can't love me anymore, the terrible sadness of this wicked orb. In a way 20 years of therapy never quite could.
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And mine...
Fully.
Monday, August 17, 2009
What is an example of your self-awareness? (7/6/09)
pubic masturbation as a way of chasing down rape and securing for those who want to offer their two balls to a proper authority.
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The way I second-guess myself all the frickin' time...
??
When awakening on many mornings, I'll lay there and think about where I am in life, and do my best to assure myself I am headed in a good direction for me ... that I am doing what makes me happy. Happy is important at this stage of my life!
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Being able to feel. Being able to recognize what I feel. Being able to respond appropriately to those identified feelings. Allowing myself to cry when I am deeply hurt as I did when I was a child.
??
i say to myself, "thinking," and return to noticing my breath.
??
"please"
"thank you"
"excuse me"
"no"
"yes"
??
Being aware of others.
By the way folks: no one quoted Bob Dylan on the last question. Under honor code I feel obligated to add the following lyrics which seem to be true no matter where I am at in life and by themselves stand larger then life tereby addressing the present topical question:
"the time's are a changin' "
??
A mild example: no matter how tight my budget is, I still buy myself frozen dinners to have when I don't feel like cooking. Cuz I know there will be those days, and I'd rather just accept my occasional laziness than struggle with it.
??
I can tell stories about myself and how my deep-seated anger erupts at inconvenient times. I normally pull my own covers like this in AA meetings - and forums such as this one.
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I wake myself up when I snore.
??
Watching and listening to my parents and realizing the things i do and feel that are a direct reaction or adaptation of their words and actions
??
I recognize myself in the mirror.
??
saying I'm sorry after fucking up yet again
??
Jeepers...I don't quite know how to answer this one.
??
I don't have a job or a lot of money but I donate regularly to charities & worthy causes - on the outside it may appear to be naive and/or a bit self-debilitating but I think it's the principled thing to do.
??
The fact that when hear an inside voice I can now identify which head is speaking.
??
I'm always super-conscious about the way I speak, look and act -- too much so, I believe.
Self awareness is not a quality for me it's more like a curse. That's probably why I am drawn so
strongly to zen teachings that encourage me to be less aware of myself as a single entity and
more sensitive to my place as part of a larger force in the universe of non-existence.
??
Zippin' the lip.
??
Remembering that all beings suffer...including my sister-in-law who drips diamonds and drives an Audi and has a personal trainer. I must remember, I must remember, I must remember.
??
And mine...
I cough into my arm not my hand.
??
The way I second-guess myself all the frickin' time...
??
When awakening on many mornings, I'll lay there and think about where I am in life, and do my best to assure myself I am headed in a good direction for me ... that I am doing what makes me happy. Happy is important at this stage of my life!
??
Being able to feel. Being able to recognize what I feel. Being able to respond appropriately to those identified feelings. Allowing myself to cry when I am deeply hurt as I did when I was a child.
??
i say to myself, "thinking," and return to noticing my breath.
??
"please"
"thank you"
"excuse me"
"no"
"yes"
??
Being aware of others.
By the way folks: no one quoted Bob Dylan on the last question. Under honor code I feel obligated to add the following lyrics which seem to be true no matter where I am at in life and by themselves stand larger then life tereby addressing the present topical question:
"the time's are a changin' "
??
A mild example: no matter how tight my budget is, I still buy myself frozen dinners to have when I don't feel like cooking. Cuz I know there will be those days, and I'd rather just accept my occasional laziness than struggle with it.
??
I can tell stories about myself and how my deep-seated anger erupts at inconvenient times. I normally pull my own covers like this in AA meetings - and forums such as this one.
??
I wake myself up when I snore.
??
Watching and listening to my parents and realizing the things i do and feel that are a direct reaction or adaptation of their words and actions
??
I recognize myself in the mirror.
??
saying I'm sorry after fucking up yet again
??
Jeepers...I don't quite know how to answer this one.
??
I don't have a job or a lot of money but I donate regularly to charities & worthy causes - on the outside it may appear to be naive and/or a bit self-debilitating but I think it's the principled thing to do.
??
The fact that when hear an inside voice I can now identify which head is speaking.
??
I'm always super-conscious about the way I speak, look and act -- too much so, I believe.
Self awareness is not a quality for me it's more like a curse. That's probably why I am drawn so
strongly to zen teachings that encourage me to be less aware of myself as a single entity and
more sensitive to my place as part of a larger force in the universe of non-existence.
??
Zippin' the lip.
??
Remembering that all beings suffer...including my sister-in-law who drips diamonds and drives an Audi and has a personal trainer. I must remember, I must remember, I must remember.
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And mine...
I cough into my arm not my hand.
Please share your favorite song lyric(s). (6/28/09)
i caught a glimpse now it haunts me.
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"cherish the day, I won't be afraid, show me how deep your love is...."
??
"The Future Will Blow Your Mind" —Simon Stinger/Fans of Jimmy Century
??
you always hurt the one you love
from 'Always Dreaming (Wide Awake)' by Red Lorry Yellow Lorry
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I wouldn't even pretend to say I have a favorite song. My favorite song of the moment is the one that seems to coincide with the many facets and emotions gleaming in a given instant of my life. I will supply a set of lyrics that I find timeless and universal. (Besides my favorite song lyrics are for the songs I've written.)
Find the cost of freedom
Buried in the ground.
Mother earth will swallow you,
Lay your body down...
??
gabba gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba hey!
??
Dire Straits ... Water of Love:
"Water of love deep in the ground
But there ain't no water here to be found
Some day baby when the river runs free
It'll carry that water of love to me"
??
You are not alone-Michael Jackson
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And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm-a coming back again...
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Cucuroo carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love is
Ready to attack
-- "Dog Breath, in the Year of the Plague" from the album Uncle Meat by the Mothers of Invention
??
Starry-eyed and laughing as I recall when we were caught
Trapped by no track of hours for they hanged suspended
As we listened one last time and we watched with one last look
Spellbound and swallowed 'til the tolling ended
Tolling for the aching ones whose wounds cannot be nursed
For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones and worse
And for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe
We gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
??
oh Mystery, you are alive...i feel you all around...you are the fire in my heart...you are the holy sound...you are all of life, and it is to you that i sing...grant that i may feel You always and in everything.
??
Blues Traveler
"Just Wait"
If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill
I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long
I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone
I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
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So ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything -
That's how the light gets in.
---- Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"
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I'm so glad that he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
'Gonna keep on tryin
'Till I reach my highest ground...
??
"I took one look at you,
That's all I meant to do,
and then my heart stood still........"
??
This moment awake to the innate. Unruly gods and demons may emerge, but illusion and confusion do not follow. Through love and compassion, mindstream must evolve.
-Chod
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Messy Marv on the Prices on my head thug money on your family mix tape ....." I smoke so much weed I don't even get high / I eat a lil pussy bitch I can't even lie / I came up in the hood selling caviar / You said you had a boyfriend why you jump in my car ? / I hope you got some money bitch your house hella far.."
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here are so many amazing lyrics out there, it's hard to decide which lyrics to choose. So, instead of choosing the lyrics first, I chose the song first. My favorite song is The Star Spangled Banner, which was originally a poem entitled Defense of Fort McHenry written in 1814 by 35 year young Francis Scott Key after he witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry in 1812. Set to a British drinking song, the 1st stanza is the only one that is commonly sung, with the 4th (and final) stanza added for formal occasions. It wouldn't become the National Anthem until March 3, 1931, signed into law by President Herbert Hoover.
Okay, now the lyrics, the final lines of the final stanza:
"And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!"
??
There ain't no hiding place from the father of creation
??
I don't have a favorite anything other than my favorite wife and child.
But here's the first one that came to mind:
There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few
The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they cant take that away from me
The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they cant take that away from me
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But Ill always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they cant take that away from me
??
"It makes no diff'rence how far I go
Like a scar the hurt will always show
It makes no diff'rence who I meet
They're just a face in the crowd
On a dead-end street
And the sun don't shine anymore
And the rains fall down on my door"
??
"Some day my Prince will come,
Some day I'll find my love,
And how thrilling that moment will be
When the Prince of my dreams comes to me.
He'll whisper 'I love you'
And steal a kiss or two.
Though he's far away
I'll find my love some day,
Some day when my dreams come true."
??
Music is a World Within Itself
With a Language We All Understand
??
I cannot name this
I cannot explain this
And I really don't want to
Just call me shameless
I can't even slow this down
Let alone stop this
And I keep looking around
But I cannot top this
If I had any sense
I guess I'd fear this
I guess I'd keep it down
So no one would hear this
I guess I'd shut my mouth and rethink a minute
But I can't shut it now
'Cuz there's something in it
(shameless, ani difranco)
??
Good, good, goodbye, Bridget (really "good vibrations", but I couldn't understand the lyric on the recording).
??
band: captain chaos and the crucifixion
album: 'where did i out that caesarian'
song" this game isn't for pussies
lyric 'wave, wave please behave. there's something in you that i should have gave. and i need it back from you so that i can save my hair. wave, wave, please behave. i'm stuck in a place called humanity and i'm been Given so that to 'ave'. but, fuck, you, because of the M in me i don't even have to ryhme. suck my cock, life, it's ready and Christlike. bang your own madmanness. i finally took a 'deal' with the devil after i realized that, if i hadn't, that poor child would have been relinquished to a bunch of ganglike murderously determined dick asswagers that would have been given to unlikely hood simpletime. sure, as in here, i'm the best, as in problem. 'try and see if you can get away with it. no one will know because no one cares to have the simple idea regifted.' "get away with it? it's mine already ...". that's when i got up and started, the wall it parted, and when i leapt out, i started. wave, wave please behave. i can't but pine for the dave. butt its not the dave that the fellas wanna cave. help, help, 'cuz this nigga got lost in Africa. and he ain't no big rizzy homo. he's bigga than shaq in a two on two attaq. kobe, give the ball back. i gotta to give to MJ so Vick can cut slack.
??
"When the dream came
I held my breath with my eyes closed
I went insane
like a smoke ring day
when the wind blows
Now I won't be back till later on
If I do come back at all
But you know me
And I miss you now..."
--Buffalo Springfield
??
Friends are friends forever, if the Lords the Lord of them, and a friend will not say never, cause the welcome never ends. Though it's hard to let you go in the father's hand we know, that a lifetime's not to long to live as friends...
??
This is nearly impossible but if I had to choose one I'd pick something all-encompassing like:
"How long must we sing this song? How long?/
Tonight we can be as one."
Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2
Conveys exasperation and hope in a beautiful line.
??
Stir it up little darling, stir it up, oh darling, darling, darling walk a while with me, I am just living to be dying by your side, Be my be my baby, be my baby now, la-la la-la la-la la-la and we'll send you glad tidings from New York, I do believe in all the things you see and you better run, run, run to me better come, come, come to me, better run, You can go your own way,Maybe your heart is breaking well I wouldn't know now would I? A lock of hair, a belt he wore is not enough I need more,Let's get crossed off everybody's list, And you're standing here beside me out of the passage of time, never for money always for love,And you love me till my heart stops, love me till I'm dead, I have never known the like of this I've been alone and I have missed things and kept out of sight, I've been trying to show you over and over look at these my child bearing hips, look at these my ruby red ruby lips, Skip that lipstick and I know you cheat but right or wrong don't matter when you're with me sweet, hush now don't explain, I wonder should I call you but I know what you will say, once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can say a total eclipse of the heart, rush, rush hurry hurry lover come to me, said woman take it slow cause the lights are shining bright, call me for your lover's lover's alibi,who's your daddy? get your freak on, you better get right with god, shouldn't I have this? shouldn't I have this?My darling oh my darling, my heart breaks as you take your lone journey,Hallelujah, Hallelujah,how long shall they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look? Imagine all the people living for today, what's gonna set you free? Look inside and you'll see, Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat, like Fred Flintstone driving around with bald feet. Where do we go now?
??
"We're A Happy Family"/The Ramones
We're a happy family
Me mom and daddy
Sitting here in Queens
Eating refried beans
We're in all the magazines
Gulpin' down thorazines
We ain't got no friends
Our troubles never end
No Christmas cards to send
Daddy likes men
Daddy's telling lies
Baby's eating flies
Mommy's on pills
Baby's got the chills
I'm friends with the President
I'm friends with the Pope
We're all making a fortune
Selling Daddy's dope
??
And mine...
And so suppose love
Lives in a mansion
How in hell do I get
Over the wall? And
If my rope's not
Stretched the right tension
I won't cross this
Grand Canyon at all
And I suppose that it
Grows like a tumor
Spreads like a rumor
Like the grass grows an
Inch in every day
- Hammering Heart by del Amitri
??
"cherish the day, I won't be afraid, show me how deep your love is...."
??
"The Future Will Blow Your Mind" —Simon Stinger/Fans of Jimmy Century
??
you always hurt the one you love
from 'Always Dreaming (Wide Awake)' by Red Lorry Yellow Lorry
??
I wouldn't even pretend to say I have a favorite song. My favorite song of the moment is the one that seems to coincide with the many facets and emotions gleaming in a given instant of my life. I will supply a set of lyrics that I find timeless and universal. (Besides my favorite song lyrics are for the songs I've written.)
Find the cost of freedom
Buried in the ground.
Mother earth will swallow you,
Lay your body down...
??
gabba gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba hey!
??
Dire Straits ... Water of Love:
"Water of love deep in the ground
But there ain't no water here to be found
Some day baby when the river runs free
It'll carry that water of love to me"
??
You are not alone-Michael Jackson
??
And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm-a coming back again...
??
Cucuroo carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love is
Ready to attack
-- "Dog Breath, in the Year of the Plague" from the album Uncle Meat by the Mothers of Invention
??
Starry-eyed and laughing as I recall when we were caught
Trapped by no track of hours for they hanged suspended
As we listened one last time and we watched with one last look
Spellbound and swallowed 'til the tolling ended
Tolling for the aching ones whose wounds cannot be nursed
For the countless confused, accused, misused, strung-out ones and worse
And for every hung-up person in the whole wide universe
We gazed upon the chimes of freedom flashing.
??
oh Mystery, you are alive...i feel you all around...you are the fire in my heart...you are the holy sound...you are all of life, and it is to you that i sing...grant that i may feel You always and in everything.
??
Blues Traveler
"Just Wait"
If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill
I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long
I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone
I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
??
So ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything -
That's how the light gets in.
---- Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"
??
I'm so glad that he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
'Gonna keep on tryin
'Till I reach my highest ground...
??
"I took one look at you,
That's all I meant to do,
and then my heart stood still........"
??
This moment awake to the innate. Unruly gods and demons may emerge, but illusion and confusion do not follow. Through love and compassion, mindstream must evolve.
-Chod
??
Messy Marv on the Prices on my head thug money on your family mix tape ....." I smoke so much weed I don't even get high / I eat a lil pussy bitch I can't even lie / I came up in the hood selling caviar / You said you had a boyfriend why you jump in my car ? / I hope you got some money bitch your house hella far.."
??
here are so many amazing lyrics out there, it's hard to decide which lyrics to choose. So, instead of choosing the lyrics first, I chose the song first. My favorite song is The Star Spangled Banner, which was originally a poem entitled Defense of Fort McHenry written in 1814 by 35 year young Francis Scott Key after he witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry in 1812. Set to a British drinking song, the 1st stanza is the only one that is commonly sung, with the 4th (and final) stanza added for formal occasions. It wouldn't become the National Anthem until March 3, 1931, signed into law by President Herbert Hoover.
Okay, now the lyrics, the final lines of the final stanza:
"And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!"
??
There ain't no hiding place from the father of creation
??
I don't have a favorite anything other than my favorite wife and child.
But here's the first one that came to mind:
There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few
The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they cant take that away from me
The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they cant take that away from me
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But Ill always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they cant take that away from me
??
"It makes no diff'rence how far I go
Like a scar the hurt will always show
It makes no diff'rence who I meet
They're just a face in the crowd
On a dead-end street
And the sun don't shine anymore
And the rains fall down on my door"
??
"Some day my Prince will come,
Some day I'll find my love,
And how thrilling that moment will be
When the Prince of my dreams comes to me.
He'll whisper 'I love you'
And steal a kiss or two.
Though he's far away
I'll find my love some day,
Some day when my dreams come true."
??
Music is a World Within Itself
With a Language We All Understand
??
I cannot name this
I cannot explain this
And I really don't want to
Just call me shameless
I can't even slow this down
Let alone stop this
And I keep looking around
But I cannot top this
If I had any sense
I guess I'd fear this
I guess I'd keep it down
So no one would hear this
I guess I'd shut my mouth and rethink a minute
But I can't shut it now
'Cuz there's something in it
(shameless, ani difranco)
??
Good, good, goodbye, Bridget (really "good vibrations", but I couldn't understand the lyric on the recording).
??
band: captain chaos and the crucifixion
album: 'where did i out that caesarian'
song" this game isn't for pussies
lyric 'wave, wave please behave. there's something in you that i should have gave. and i need it back from you so that i can save my hair. wave, wave, please behave. i'm stuck in a place called humanity and i'm been Given so that to 'ave'. but, fuck, you, because of the M in me i don't even have to ryhme. suck my cock, life, it's ready and Christlike. bang your own madmanness. i finally took a 'deal' with the devil after i realized that, if i hadn't, that poor child would have been relinquished to a bunch of ganglike murderously determined dick asswagers that would have been given to unlikely hood simpletime. sure, as in here, i'm the best, as in problem. 'try and see if you can get away with it. no one will know because no one cares to have the simple idea regifted.' "get away with it? it's mine already ...". that's when i got up and started, the wall it parted, and when i leapt out, i started. wave, wave please behave. i can't but pine for the dave. butt its not the dave that the fellas wanna cave. help, help, 'cuz this nigga got lost in Africa. and he ain't no big rizzy homo. he's bigga than shaq in a two on two attaq. kobe, give the ball back. i gotta to give to MJ so Vick can cut slack.
??
"When the dream came
I held my breath with my eyes closed
I went insane
like a smoke ring day
when the wind blows
Now I won't be back till later on
If I do come back at all
But you know me
And I miss you now..."
--Buffalo Springfield
??
Friends are friends forever, if the Lords the Lord of them, and a friend will not say never, cause the welcome never ends. Though it's hard to let you go in the father's hand we know, that a lifetime's not to long to live as friends...
??
This is nearly impossible but if I had to choose one I'd pick something all-encompassing like:
"How long must we sing this song? How long?/
Tonight we can be as one."
Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2
Conveys exasperation and hope in a beautiful line.
??
Stir it up little darling, stir it up, oh darling, darling, darling walk a while with me, I am just living to be dying by your side, Be my be my baby, be my baby now, la-la la-la la-la la-la and we'll send you glad tidings from New York, I do believe in all the things you see and you better run, run, run to me better come, come, come to me, better run, You can go your own way,Maybe your heart is breaking well I wouldn't know now would I? A lock of hair, a belt he wore is not enough I need more,Let's get crossed off everybody's list, And you're standing here beside me out of the passage of time, never for money always for love,And you love me till my heart stops, love me till I'm dead, I have never known the like of this I've been alone and I have missed things and kept out of sight, I've been trying to show you over and over look at these my child bearing hips, look at these my ruby red ruby lips, Skip that lipstick and I know you cheat but right or wrong don't matter when you're with me sweet, hush now don't explain, I wonder should I call you but I know what you will say, once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can say a total eclipse of the heart, rush, rush hurry hurry lover come to me, said woman take it slow cause the lights are shining bright, call me for your lover's lover's alibi,who's your daddy? get your freak on, you better get right with god, shouldn't I have this? shouldn't I have this?My darling oh my darling, my heart breaks as you take your lone journey,Hallelujah, Hallelujah,how long shall they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look? Imagine all the people living for today, what's gonna set you free? Look inside and you'll see, Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat, like Fred Flintstone driving around with bald feet. Where do we go now?
??
"We're A Happy Family"/The Ramones
We're a happy family
Me mom and daddy
Sitting here in Queens
Eating refried beans
We're in all the magazines
Gulpin' down thorazines
We ain't got no friends
Our troubles never end
No Christmas cards to send
Daddy likes men
Daddy's telling lies
Baby's eating flies
Mommy's on pills
Baby's got the chills
I'm friends with the President
I'm friends with the Pope
We're all making a fortune
Selling Daddy's dope
??
And mine...
And so suppose love
Lives in a mansion
How in hell do I get
Over the wall? And
If my rope's not
Stretched the right tension
I won't cross this
Grand Canyon at all
And I suppose that it
Grows like a tumor
Spreads like a rumor
Like the grass grows an
Inch in every day
- Hammering Heart by del Amitri
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
What could you do if only given the chance? (6/21/09)
If given five years of complete financial freedom I could write a work to stand beside Joyce. In the brief two weekd of freedom that I've had recently I'm amazed by what I've been able to write.
??
sleep for days
??
I would be a great nurse......
??
Producer a great film, write a book, run a successful company, make a lot of money.
??
As I've been given the chance to write and I'm wrting only sporadically, I can take THAT illusion off the table. So my truest desire is to have a small farm with a mountain meadow, a few goats, horses, cattle, farm dogs, and big gardens. I've got enough experience as a farmer, I could pull that off...if I didn't have to make a profit and I could just aim for sustainability, that is. Off the grid with some skis would be perfect. lol I'm an old lady who want to back country ski in my 80's. In fact, I wanna got out in my 80's dropping off a cornice or something. Fuck the whole idea of 100 pill bottles and a walker. (I've been working on health care reform for 10 years...can you see the bitterness?? Drugging old people into a medically induced unnatural stupor MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.)
??
Make great art
bring new inventions into the world
host a brilliant tv variety hour
??
Be an actress.
??
Be the spiritual gatekeeper for new babies as they enter..........to perform sacred ritual at a baby's birth.....I've never witnessed childbirth before, although I've expressed my desire to do so. No one has yet taken me up on my offer to be in the delivery room whilst calling forth the gods and ancestors. in god's time, I guess.
??
take a trip to outer space.
??
1. write a great book (which I'm in the process of doing anyway)
2. run a marathon in under 3.5 hours
3. learn Italian
4. make the meanest chocolate cake this side of the Mississippi
5. raise more donations for the SF Food Bank than have ever been raised before (that's what I'd like to do)
??
I would live without fear of consequences!
??
work on a job with a much bigger budget!
??
Be a good girlfriend
??
shoot satan in the head with a weapon designed insightfully in the same moment that my soulmate marries Jesus and bears a child. oops.
??
Think freely and creatively like I did when I was 18. There were no limits to my imagination then...
??
go back and do it all over again with the knowledge I have now!
??
Relax.
??
If given the chance? Or just make it happen? Where to begin? Sing for a living; weigh my ideal weight; knit for a living; afford retirement...... the list goes on.
??
Read books all day and all night.
??
Marry Tom Cruise. If only he had met me before Katie Holmes... (Actually, I think they are a really cute couple. I hope this one lasts.)
??
Hopefully something pretty cool ...
??
I am a really good actor &, if given a greater chance in film & television, I can share my talents with a much larger audience!!
??
What does that mean? Each of us has the ability already to pursue great opportunity. If by "given the chance" the question implies someone else would enable me to affect change, I've already seen what happens in my life when others enable me. I think I'll stick to my own resources.
??
Rock the Fillmore.
??
And mine...
Be a very generous billionaire.
??
sleep for days
??
I would be a great nurse......
??
Producer a great film, write a book, run a successful company, make a lot of money.
??
As I've been given the chance to write and I'm wrting only sporadically, I can take THAT illusion off the table. So my truest desire is to have a small farm with a mountain meadow, a few goats, horses, cattle, farm dogs, and big gardens. I've got enough experience as a farmer, I could pull that off...if I didn't have to make a profit and I could just aim for sustainability, that is. Off the grid with some skis would be perfect. lol I'm an old lady who want to back country ski in my 80's. In fact, I wanna got out in my 80's dropping off a cornice or something. Fuck the whole idea of 100 pill bottles and a walker. (I've been working on health care reform for 10 years...can you see the bitterness?? Drugging old people into a medically induced unnatural stupor MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.)
??
Make great art
bring new inventions into the world
host a brilliant tv variety hour
??
Be an actress.
??
Be the spiritual gatekeeper for new babies as they enter..........to perform sacred ritual at a baby's birth.....I've never witnessed childbirth before, although I've expressed my desire to do so. No one has yet taken me up on my offer to be in the delivery room whilst calling forth the gods and ancestors. in god's time, I guess.
??
take a trip to outer space.
??
1. write a great book (which I'm in the process of doing anyway)
2. run a marathon in under 3.5 hours
3. learn Italian
4. make the meanest chocolate cake this side of the Mississippi
5. raise more donations for the SF Food Bank than have ever been raised before (that's what I'd like to do)
??
I would live without fear of consequences!
??
work on a job with a much bigger budget!
??
Be a good girlfriend
??
shoot satan in the head with a weapon designed insightfully in the same moment that my soulmate marries Jesus and bears a child. oops.
??
Think freely and creatively like I did when I was 18. There were no limits to my imagination then...
??
go back and do it all over again with the knowledge I have now!
??
Relax.
??
If given the chance? Or just make it happen? Where to begin? Sing for a living; weigh my ideal weight; knit for a living; afford retirement...... the list goes on.
??
Read books all day and all night.
??
Marry Tom Cruise. If only he had met me before Katie Holmes... (Actually, I think they are a really cute couple. I hope this one lasts.)
??
Hopefully something pretty cool ...
??
I am a really good actor &, if given a greater chance in film & television, I can share my talents with a much larger audience!!
??
What does that mean? Each of us has the ability already to pursue great opportunity. If by "given the chance" the question implies someone else would enable me to affect change, I've already seen what happens in my life when others enable me. I think I'll stick to my own resources.
??
Rock the Fillmore.
??
And mine...
Be a very generous billionaire.
Monday, June 8, 2009
What is going well? (6/8/09)
life. new apartment, new school, new camera, new boyfriend, new age. life is going well. (new age because today is my birthday. 23.)
??
While storms rage wildly in the sky, my soul marches insistently forward toward harmony and grace.
??
my prayer & meditation at my bedroom altar. I light at least three candles and sit there on a pillow to say my prayers, to bless my fellows, and to set the intentions for my day. I ask for mercy, safety, high favor, and angel protection.
although I would love to say that I do this daily, I am in very good form just by doing it 3 to 4 times per week.
??
Pretty much everything, except for my pursuit of happiness in things external. Other than that, things are rockin!
??
everything.....but not all at the same time and not at all times...
??
still sober after all these years and am, basically, happy, joyous and free.
??
The gardens look great and I finally got all the closets and dressers cleared of items that could be donated. Not working means a cleaner house and lovelier gardens.
??
at this moment absolutely nothing....
??
My faith in my Higher Power
??
Being a mom to a great baby.
??
My orchid is about to bloom for the first time in 3 years.
??
My unsuccessful search for a job! I'm down to my last unemployment check!!! Zoiks!!!!
??
Right now, most things - except my weight.
??
masturbating in the sacred forest, against the will of modern man. smoking the garbage of human life in a container that has so much evolution it's almost ridicuklous to continue to live here. and listening to angry former men rank and persuade me of my soul mate, my Dream, The Dream, and the light they formerly had. planning on readdressing rape.
??
My hair looks GREAT!
??
My job is steady. Some times there is drama but at the end of the day I do alright for myself. I am enrolled in to school and I have a great counselor. I have a beautiful wonderful supportive family. I lost five pounds and started shooting hoops over the weekend at my folks house and brought back some equipment. I treated myself to two beautiful dresses one of which I will where to the opera, I have box seats to Porgy and Bess, which my good friend is performing in. I really work a good program of recovery. I have been sober for seven months and two weeks despite a relationship with a person who didn't seem to think of me as credible or good enough to bring with him along to meet his friends. I feel like that is going for me, we broke up. I feel like my world is getting larger and my parents and friends are all very proud of me. I feel a sense of accomplishment and my energy is driven and focused toward my dreams. I know that there are great things in store for me, and I know that I have so much to offer this world in manners of the heart. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you.
??
I finally, finally, finally earned a B.A. in English. With honors. It feels good.
??
Most of my plans, packing, my relationship with my lovely lover, many things...
??
SWIMMING!
??
Satan's plan.
??
My garden. The day lilies are lovely. My outlook on life, which improves each day it seems.
??
And mine...
The band, work, experiencing my feelings in the moment, my hair.
??
While storms rage wildly in the sky, my soul marches insistently forward toward harmony and grace.
??
my prayer & meditation at my bedroom altar. I light at least three candles and sit there on a pillow to say my prayers, to bless my fellows, and to set the intentions for my day. I ask for mercy, safety, high favor, and angel protection.
although I would love to say that I do this daily, I am in very good form just by doing it 3 to 4 times per week.
??
Pretty much everything, except for my pursuit of happiness in things external. Other than that, things are rockin!
??
everything.....but not all at the same time and not at all times...
??
still sober after all these years and am, basically, happy, joyous and free.
??
The gardens look great and I finally got all the closets and dressers cleared of items that could be donated. Not working means a cleaner house and lovelier gardens.
??
at this moment absolutely nothing....
??
My faith in my Higher Power
??
Being a mom to a great baby.
??
My orchid is about to bloom for the first time in 3 years.
??
My unsuccessful search for a job! I'm down to my last unemployment check!!! Zoiks!!!!
??
Right now, most things - except my weight.
??
masturbating in the sacred forest, against the will of modern man. smoking the garbage of human life in a container that has so much evolution it's almost ridicuklous to continue to live here. and listening to angry former men rank and persuade me of my soul mate, my Dream, The Dream, and the light they formerly had. planning on readdressing rape.
??
My hair looks GREAT!
??
My job is steady. Some times there is drama but at the end of the day I do alright for myself. I am enrolled in to school and I have a great counselor. I have a beautiful wonderful supportive family. I lost five pounds and started shooting hoops over the weekend at my folks house and brought back some equipment. I treated myself to two beautiful dresses one of which I will where to the opera, I have box seats to Porgy and Bess, which my good friend is performing in. I really work a good program of recovery. I have been sober for seven months and two weeks despite a relationship with a person who didn't seem to think of me as credible or good enough to bring with him along to meet his friends. I feel like that is going for me, we broke up. I feel like my world is getting larger and my parents and friends are all very proud of me. I feel a sense of accomplishment and my energy is driven and focused toward my dreams. I know that there are great things in store for me, and I know that I have so much to offer this world in manners of the heart. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you.
??
I finally, finally, finally earned a B.A. in English. With honors. It feels good.
??
Most of my plans, packing, my relationship with my lovely lover, many things...
??
SWIMMING!
??
Satan's plan.
??
My garden. The day lilies are lovely. My outlook on life, which improves each day it seems.
??
And mine...
The band, work, experiencing my feelings in the moment, my hair.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
What has been the outcome of your social missteps? (5/31/09)
i have been blacklisted from the house of more! and i couldn't be happier.
??
Being at a party today with wild, tattooed, pierced, young people, most of them at least 30 years younger than I, and not feeling completely out-of-place. Finding someone who looked like she felt worse than I, and having a great conversation with her.
??
I will probably never know the full impact, but I know for sure that my gas can clear a dance floor in about 3 minutes.
??
j, you always ask the most timely questions. just telling my friend over dinner tonight that i'm finding myself surrounded by a sea of people that i see often but with whom i do not have a true connection, or have issues with. and i'm spending less time with the people that are truly my homies. i'm changing the filter on my social butterfly ways. authentic interactions, true friendships. life is too short for anything else.
??
Pain, remorse, shame, mayhem, confusion, and stupid laughter.
??
that I don't trust myself in social situations....I overcompensate to be a "good boy" and don't have a good time. The older I get, the more a life of a hermit looks good...
??
Two divorces ...
??
No one will dance with me?
I have innumerable career missteps, but I can't think of any significant social missteps. I was from a family of very modest means (ok, overt poverty) and grew up in rural America. Not many social events to stumble in. As a young adult, I was a drunk and made sure to align myself with "lesser companions" so as to always look more together than my friends. We were pretty much social barbarians so the worse I acted, the better I fit in. As an adult in recovery, I'm simply not that deeply social. I avoid calling undue attention to myself. I taught myself appropriate social behaviors (for dining out, weddings, etc.) and I play nice. I don't drink anymore, so the chances for inadvertent assholishness are minimized.
??
My marriage. Seriously. I once took a date to a party and saw another pretty
girl across the room who smiled at me. I never wanted to meet someone so badly
in my life. She was beautiful. I told the young woman I was with that I didn't
feel well and suggested I take her home, which I did. I then hightailed it back
to the party to meet the other girl. My date, of course, heard about my social
misdeed, and sent me a letter that made me feel like a total jerk, which I
admit I was. On the other hand, I ended up marrying that pretty girl I went
back to meet, and we've been together now for 29 years.
??
I calculate what I say before I say it. I take more time to analyze what I'm doing and what it means. Perception can be very damaging.. or very rewarding. When I forget to think before I speak/act (and it still happens here and there) it's painfully obvious.
??
I'm SURE that there is at least one ex out there who thinks I'm crazy. bitchy, and confused. The problem is that he's right! When I was dating him it was probably the lowest time of my life and I had NO BUSINESS dating anyone. But I wanted the company and the sex so I did, and proceeded to act crazy! Other than that, I think I've done a decent job of straightening out any other faux pas I may have made.....I hope!
??
lots of shame : ( and ongoing comments from others about "that night"
??
learning and growth. and less CAREFUL steps.
??
Red faced embarrassment all around
??
they usually lead to varying degrees of alienation....hell i'm still trying to figure out what's in my blind spot....
??
sually consequences involving a series of apologies and guilt from my part. (Humility is one word and the short version) Also, opportunity to learn or evaluate what about the misstep is fear based. In every mistake is an opportunity to see another perception and grow from one's limitations. Yet, did I make a fool out of myself by simply not agreeing with the party? or did I hurt some one? If I hurt some one then I know I hurt myself. If I decided to have a voice against the odds because I felt in my heart the opportunity was alive for an alternative perspective....then this is not a social misstep, it is debate and democracy. Esoteric and eccentric people who misstep some boundaries of society have their place at times in spiritual utilities. There is the misstep that happens when one walks into a room wearing the "wrong" apparatus for the situation. That is laughable. The misstep that involves mistakenly stepping on another's toe with a sordid comment or rude manner...well this is the sort of thing that each person has the opportunity to take responsibility for.
??
If I'm conscious, I learn some valuable lessons (primarily about how to be a better person). If I'm not conscious, the lesson repeats itself, usually with more dire consequences. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I do and how my actions impact others, but I haven't reached perfection. It's a process.
??
alignment of life back to life such that social is further noted to be gracious and cool and missteps become family get togethers. back in the 1313 style of 'who's gonna win this one?'
two for six eight, who do we appreciate?
xavier, xavier, and muk!
whatever, Eve. i'll see you back at the shower stall.
satan, simmer down. the devil just needs some space. it's not about you and him. it's about me you and him.
Jesus, can we trust that mr. jones won't react?
and who's this Biden character? a mccain?
10,280, bitches. save what?
also, saint mike gets noted as the last travelling sky show.
and seabuscuit blue angels the sky above the alcatraz triangle.
are you guys going or staying?
??
Well, I was going to say, a life that has left me at odds with society and somewhat of a renegade despite my substantial turnarounds in disposition and questionable activities. But then I think that certain opportunities were never really a choice for me and that even if I had pursued a more "social" path I would have the same doubts and uncertainties that I have now. When everything washes out, I am probably the person I would have been no matter which direction I went or which path I chose. All due respects to Robert Frost.
??
Useful information.
??
Much embarrassment, sadness, and wasted time, but also much learning....
??
And mine...
Almost always the same: Trust my instincts.
??
Being at a party today with wild, tattooed, pierced, young people, most of them at least 30 years younger than I, and not feeling completely out-of-place. Finding someone who looked like she felt worse than I, and having a great conversation with her.
??
I will probably never know the full impact, but I know for sure that my gas can clear a dance floor in about 3 minutes.
??
j, you always ask the most timely questions. just telling my friend over dinner tonight that i'm finding myself surrounded by a sea of people that i see often but with whom i do not have a true connection, or have issues with. and i'm spending less time with the people that are truly my homies. i'm changing the filter on my social butterfly ways. authentic interactions, true friendships. life is too short for anything else.
??
Pain, remorse, shame, mayhem, confusion, and stupid laughter.
??
that I don't trust myself in social situations....I overcompensate to be a "good boy" and don't have a good time. The older I get, the more a life of a hermit looks good...
??
Two divorces ...
??
No one will dance with me?
I have innumerable career missteps, but I can't think of any significant social missteps. I was from a family of very modest means (ok, overt poverty) and grew up in rural America. Not many social events to stumble in. As a young adult, I was a drunk and made sure to align myself with "lesser companions" so as to always look more together than my friends. We were pretty much social barbarians so the worse I acted, the better I fit in. As an adult in recovery, I'm simply not that deeply social. I avoid calling undue attention to myself. I taught myself appropriate social behaviors (for dining out, weddings, etc.) and I play nice. I don't drink anymore, so the chances for inadvertent assholishness are minimized.
??
My marriage. Seriously. I once took a date to a party and saw another pretty
girl across the room who smiled at me. I never wanted to meet someone so badly
in my life. She was beautiful. I told the young woman I was with that I didn't
feel well and suggested I take her home, which I did. I then hightailed it back
to the party to meet the other girl. My date, of course, heard about my social
misdeed, and sent me a letter that made me feel like a total jerk, which I
admit I was. On the other hand, I ended up marrying that pretty girl I went
back to meet, and we've been together now for 29 years.
??
I calculate what I say before I say it. I take more time to analyze what I'm doing and what it means. Perception can be very damaging.. or very rewarding. When I forget to think before I speak/act (and it still happens here and there) it's painfully obvious.
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I'm SURE that there is at least one ex out there who thinks I'm crazy. bitchy, and confused. The problem is that he's right! When I was dating him it was probably the lowest time of my life and I had NO BUSINESS dating anyone. But I wanted the company and the sex so I did, and proceeded to act crazy! Other than that, I think I've done a decent job of straightening out any other faux pas I may have made.....I hope!
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lots of shame : ( and ongoing comments from others about "that night"
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learning and growth. and less CAREFUL steps.
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Red faced embarrassment all around
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they usually lead to varying degrees of alienation....hell i'm still trying to figure out what's in my blind spot....
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sually consequences involving a series of apologies and guilt from my part. (Humility is one word and the short version) Also, opportunity to learn or evaluate what about the misstep is fear based. In every mistake is an opportunity to see another perception and grow from one's limitations. Yet, did I make a fool out of myself by simply not agreeing with the party? or did I hurt some one? If I hurt some one then I know I hurt myself. If I decided to have a voice against the odds because I felt in my heart the opportunity was alive for an alternative perspective....then this is not a social misstep, it is debate and democracy. Esoteric and eccentric people who misstep some boundaries of society have their place at times in spiritual utilities. There is the misstep that happens when one walks into a room wearing the "wrong" apparatus for the situation. That is laughable. The misstep that involves mistakenly stepping on another's toe with a sordid comment or rude manner...well this is the sort of thing that each person has the opportunity to take responsibility for.
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If I'm conscious, I learn some valuable lessons (primarily about how to be a better person). If I'm not conscious, the lesson repeats itself, usually with more dire consequences. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I do and how my actions impact others, but I haven't reached perfection. It's a process.
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alignment of life back to life such that social is further noted to be gracious and cool and missteps become family get togethers. back in the 1313 style of 'who's gonna win this one?'
two for six eight, who do we appreciate?
xavier, xavier, and muk!
whatever, Eve. i'll see you back at the shower stall.
satan, simmer down. the devil just needs some space. it's not about you and him. it's about me you and him.
Jesus, can we trust that mr. jones won't react?
and who's this Biden character? a mccain?
10,280, bitches. save what?
also, saint mike gets noted as the last travelling sky show.
and seabuscuit blue angels the sky above the alcatraz triangle.
are you guys going or staying?
??
Well, I was going to say, a life that has left me at odds with society and somewhat of a renegade despite my substantial turnarounds in disposition and questionable activities. But then I think that certain opportunities were never really a choice for me and that even if I had pursued a more "social" path I would have the same doubts and uncertainties that I have now. When everything washes out, I am probably the person I would have been no matter which direction I went or which path I chose. All due respects to Robert Frost.
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Useful information.
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Much embarrassment, sadness, and wasted time, but also much learning....
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And mine...
Almost always the same: Trust my instincts.
What's in your blind spot? (5/18/09)
only this exact precise present moment which is real and unknowable. everything else is an illusion, except maybe divine things I also can't know.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."
Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
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Usually a man with green eyes.......
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Puppies and kittens.
??
The intersection of money and love.
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I'm not so sure. That's why I'm in analysis.
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The cops who pull me over..
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My arrogance.
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What isn't in my blind spot?
??
what blindspot ;-) ?
the things i am not ready to look at yet.
??
Oh, man. I usually push my boyfriend's immaturity into my blind spot.. it's the only way I can keep going.
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wouldn't YOU want to know! HA!
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I don't know! That's why it's called a BLIND spot. I can't see it.
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Death is my blind spot. It blinds me with its totality, its finality and its universality.
??
I don't know, dearie. I can't see there.
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everything I can't see
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Obviously it's the big surprise that I haven't seen coming.
??
Ignorance and hatred along with intolerance.
??
Whenever and wherever I try to understand what a woman is thinking.
??
And mine...
How the manifestations of my fear of people affects them.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."
Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
??
Usually a man with green eyes.......
??
Puppies and kittens.
??
The intersection of money and love.
??
I'm not so sure. That's why I'm in analysis.
??
The cops who pull me over..
??
My arrogance.
??
What isn't in my blind spot?
??
what blindspot ;-) ?
the things i am not ready to look at yet.
??
Oh, man. I usually push my boyfriend's immaturity into my blind spot.. it's the only way I can keep going.
??
wouldn't YOU want to know! HA!
??
I don't know! That's why it's called a BLIND spot. I can't see it.
??
Death is my blind spot. It blinds me with its totality, its finality and its universality.
??
I don't know, dearie. I can't see there.
??
everything I can't see
??
Obviously it's the big surprise that I haven't seen coming.
??
Ignorance and hatred along with intolerance.
??
Whenever and wherever I try to understand what a woman is thinking.
??
And mine...
How the manifestations of my fear of people affects them.
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