i have been blacklisted from the house of more! and i couldn't be happier.
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Being at a party today with wild, tattooed, pierced, young people, most of them at least 30 years younger than I, and not feeling completely out-of-place. Finding someone who looked like she felt worse than I, and having a great conversation with her.
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I will probably never know the full impact, but I know for sure that my gas can clear a dance floor in about 3 minutes.
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j, you always ask the most timely questions. just telling my friend over dinner tonight that i'm finding myself surrounded by a sea of people that i see often but with whom i do not have a true connection, or have issues with. and i'm spending less time with the people that are truly my homies. i'm changing the filter on my social butterfly ways. authentic interactions, true friendships. life is too short for anything else.
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Pain, remorse, shame, mayhem, confusion, and stupid laughter.
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that I don't trust myself in social situations....I overcompensate to be a "good boy" and don't have a good time. The older I get, the more a life of a hermit looks good...
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Two divorces ...
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No one will dance with me?
I have innumerable career missteps, but I can't think of any significant social missteps. I was from a family of very modest means (ok, overt poverty) and grew up in rural America. Not many social events to stumble in. As a young adult, I was a drunk and made sure to align myself with "lesser companions" so as to always look more together than my friends. We were pretty much social barbarians so the worse I acted, the better I fit in. As an adult in recovery, I'm simply not that deeply social. I avoid calling undue attention to myself. I taught myself appropriate social behaviors (for dining out, weddings, etc.) and I play nice. I don't drink anymore, so the chances for inadvertent assholishness are minimized.
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My marriage. Seriously. I once took a date to a party and saw another pretty
girl across the room who smiled at me. I never wanted to meet someone so badly
in my life. She was beautiful. I told the young woman I was with that I didn't
feel well and suggested I take her home, which I did. I then hightailed it back
to the party to meet the other girl. My date, of course, heard about my social
misdeed, and sent me a letter that made me feel like a total jerk, which I
admit I was. On the other hand, I ended up marrying that pretty girl I went
back to meet, and we've been together now for 29 years.
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I calculate what I say before I say it. I take more time to analyze what I'm doing and what it means. Perception can be very damaging.. or very rewarding. When I forget to think before I speak/act (and it still happens here and there) it's painfully obvious.
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I'm SURE that there is at least one ex out there who thinks I'm crazy. bitchy, and confused. The problem is that he's right! When I was dating him it was probably the lowest time of my life and I had NO BUSINESS dating anyone. But I wanted the company and the sex so I did, and proceeded to act crazy! Other than that, I think I've done a decent job of straightening out any other faux pas I may have made.....I hope!
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lots of shame : ( and ongoing comments from others about "that night"
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learning and growth. and less CAREFUL steps.
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Red faced embarrassment all around
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they usually lead to varying degrees of alienation....hell i'm still trying to figure out what's in my blind spot....
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sually consequences involving a series of apologies and guilt from my part. (Humility is one word and the short version) Also, opportunity to learn or evaluate what about the misstep is fear based. In every mistake is an opportunity to see another perception and grow from one's limitations. Yet, did I make a fool out of myself by simply not agreeing with the party? or did I hurt some one? If I hurt some one then I know I hurt myself. If I decided to have a voice against the odds because I felt in my heart the opportunity was alive for an alternative perspective....then this is not a social misstep, it is debate and democracy. Esoteric and eccentric people who misstep some boundaries of society have their place at times in spiritual utilities. There is the misstep that happens when one walks into a room wearing the "wrong" apparatus for the situation. That is laughable. The misstep that involves mistakenly stepping on another's toe with a sordid comment or rude manner...well this is the sort of thing that each person has the opportunity to take responsibility for.
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If I'm conscious, I learn some valuable lessons (primarily about how to be a better person). If I'm not conscious, the lesson repeats itself, usually with more dire consequences. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I do and how my actions impact others, but I haven't reached perfection. It's a process.
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alignment of life back to life such that social is further noted to be gracious and cool and missteps become family get togethers. back in the 1313 style of 'who's gonna win this one?'
two for six eight, who do we appreciate?
xavier, xavier, and muk!
whatever, Eve. i'll see you back at the shower stall.
satan, simmer down. the devil just needs some space. it's not about you and him. it's about me you and him.
Jesus, can we trust that mr. jones won't react?
and who's this Biden character? a mccain?
10,280, bitches. save what?
also, saint mike gets noted as the last travelling sky show.
and seabuscuit blue angels the sky above the alcatraz triangle.
are you guys going or staying?
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Well, I was going to say, a life that has left me at odds with society and somewhat of a renegade despite my substantial turnarounds in disposition and questionable activities. But then I think that certain opportunities were never really a choice for me and that even if I had pursued a more "social" path I would have the same doubts and uncertainties that I have now. When everything washes out, I am probably the person I would have been no matter which direction I went or which path I chose. All due respects to Robert Frost.
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Useful information.
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Much embarrassment, sadness, and wasted time, but also much learning....
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And mine...
Almost always the same: Trust my instincts.
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