life. new apartment, new school, new camera, new boyfriend, new age. life is going well. (new age because today is my birthday. 23.)
??
While storms rage wildly in the sky, my soul marches insistently forward toward harmony and grace.
??
my prayer & meditation at my bedroom altar. I light at least three candles and sit there on a pillow to say my prayers, to bless my fellows, and to set the intentions for my day. I ask for mercy, safety, high favor, and angel protection.
although I would love to say that I do this daily, I am in very good form just by doing it 3 to 4 times per week.
??
Pretty much everything, except for my pursuit of happiness in things external. Other than that, things are rockin!
??
everything.....but not all at the same time and not at all times...
??
still sober after all these years and am, basically, happy, joyous and free.
??
The gardens look great and I finally got all the closets and dressers cleared of items that could be donated. Not working means a cleaner house and lovelier gardens.
??
at this moment absolutely nothing....
??
My faith in my Higher Power
??
Being a mom to a great baby.
??
My orchid is about to bloom for the first time in 3 years.
??
My unsuccessful search for a job! I'm down to my last unemployment check!!! Zoiks!!!!
??
Right now, most things - except my weight.
??
masturbating in the sacred forest, against the will of modern man. smoking the garbage of human life in a container that has so much evolution it's almost ridicuklous to continue to live here. and listening to angry former men rank and persuade me of my soul mate, my Dream, The Dream, and the light they formerly had. planning on readdressing rape.
??
My hair looks GREAT!
??
My job is steady. Some times there is drama but at the end of the day I do alright for myself. I am enrolled in to school and I have a great counselor. I have a beautiful wonderful supportive family. I lost five pounds and started shooting hoops over the weekend at my folks house and brought back some equipment. I treated myself to two beautiful dresses one of which I will where to the opera, I have box seats to Porgy and Bess, which my good friend is performing in. I really work a good program of recovery. I have been sober for seven months and two weeks despite a relationship with a person who didn't seem to think of me as credible or good enough to bring with him along to meet his friends. I feel like that is going for me, we broke up. I feel like my world is getting larger and my parents and friends are all very proud of me. I feel a sense of accomplishment and my energy is driven and focused toward my dreams. I know that there are great things in store for me, and I know that I have so much to offer this world in manners of the heart. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you.
??
I finally, finally, finally earned a B.A. in English. With honors. It feels good.
??
Most of my plans, packing, my relationship with my lovely lover, many things...
??
SWIMMING!
??
Satan's plan.
??
My garden. The day lilies are lovely. My outlook on life, which improves each day it seems.
??
And mine...
The band, work, experiencing my feelings in the moment, my hair.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
What has been the outcome of your social missteps? (5/31/09)
i have been blacklisted from the house of more! and i couldn't be happier.
??
Being at a party today with wild, tattooed, pierced, young people, most of them at least 30 years younger than I, and not feeling completely out-of-place. Finding someone who looked like she felt worse than I, and having a great conversation with her.
??
I will probably never know the full impact, but I know for sure that my gas can clear a dance floor in about 3 minutes.
??
j, you always ask the most timely questions. just telling my friend over dinner tonight that i'm finding myself surrounded by a sea of people that i see often but with whom i do not have a true connection, or have issues with. and i'm spending less time with the people that are truly my homies. i'm changing the filter on my social butterfly ways. authentic interactions, true friendships. life is too short for anything else.
??
Pain, remorse, shame, mayhem, confusion, and stupid laughter.
??
that I don't trust myself in social situations....I overcompensate to be a "good boy" and don't have a good time. The older I get, the more a life of a hermit looks good...
??
Two divorces ...
??
No one will dance with me?
I have innumerable career missteps, but I can't think of any significant social missteps. I was from a family of very modest means (ok, overt poverty) and grew up in rural America. Not many social events to stumble in. As a young adult, I was a drunk and made sure to align myself with "lesser companions" so as to always look more together than my friends. We were pretty much social barbarians so the worse I acted, the better I fit in. As an adult in recovery, I'm simply not that deeply social. I avoid calling undue attention to myself. I taught myself appropriate social behaviors (for dining out, weddings, etc.) and I play nice. I don't drink anymore, so the chances for inadvertent assholishness are minimized.
??
My marriage. Seriously. I once took a date to a party and saw another pretty
girl across the room who smiled at me. I never wanted to meet someone so badly
in my life. She was beautiful. I told the young woman I was with that I didn't
feel well and suggested I take her home, which I did. I then hightailed it back
to the party to meet the other girl. My date, of course, heard about my social
misdeed, and sent me a letter that made me feel like a total jerk, which I
admit I was. On the other hand, I ended up marrying that pretty girl I went
back to meet, and we've been together now for 29 years.
??
I calculate what I say before I say it. I take more time to analyze what I'm doing and what it means. Perception can be very damaging.. or very rewarding. When I forget to think before I speak/act (and it still happens here and there) it's painfully obvious.
??
I'm SURE that there is at least one ex out there who thinks I'm crazy. bitchy, and confused. The problem is that he's right! When I was dating him it was probably the lowest time of my life and I had NO BUSINESS dating anyone. But I wanted the company and the sex so I did, and proceeded to act crazy! Other than that, I think I've done a decent job of straightening out any other faux pas I may have made.....I hope!
??
lots of shame : ( and ongoing comments from others about "that night"
??
learning and growth. and less CAREFUL steps.
??
Red faced embarrassment all around
??
they usually lead to varying degrees of alienation....hell i'm still trying to figure out what's in my blind spot....
??
sually consequences involving a series of apologies and guilt from my part. (Humility is one word and the short version) Also, opportunity to learn or evaluate what about the misstep is fear based. In every mistake is an opportunity to see another perception and grow from one's limitations. Yet, did I make a fool out of myself by simply not agreeing with the party? or did I hurt some one? If I hurt some one then I know I hurt myself. If I decided to have a voice against the odds because I felt in my heart the opportunity was alive for an alternative perspective....then this is not a social misstep, it is debate and democracy. Esoteric and eccentric people who misstep some boundaries of society have their place at times in spiritual utilities. There is the misstep that happens when one walks into a room wearing the "wrong" apparatus for the situation. That is laughable. The misstep that involves mistakenly stepping on another's toe with a sordid comment or rude manner...well this is the sort of thing that each person has the opportunity to take responsibility for.
??
If I'm conscious, I learn some valuable lessons (primarily about how to be a better person). If I'm not conscious, the lesson repeats itself, usually with more dire consequences. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I do and how my actions impact others, but I haven't reached perfection. It's a process.
??
alignment of life back to life such that social is further noted to be gracious and cool and missteps become family get togethers. back in the 1313 style of 'who's gonna win this one?'
two for six eight, who do we appreciate?
xavier, xavier, and muk!
whatever, Eve. i'll see you back at the shower stall.
satan, simmer down. the devil just needs some space. it's not about you and him. it's about me you and him.
Jesus, can we trust that mr. jones won't react?
and who's this Biden character? a mccain?
10,280, bitches. save what?
also, saint mike gets noted as the last travelling sky show.
and seabuscuit blue angels the sky above the alcatraz triangle.
are you guys going or staying?
??
Well, I was going to say, a life that has left me at odds with society and somewhat of a renegade despite my substantial turnarounds in disposition and questionable activities. But then I think that certain opportunities were never really a choice for me and that even if I had pursued a more "social" path I would have the same doubts and uncertainties that I have now. When everything washes out, I am probably the person I would have been no matter which direction I went or which path I chose. All due respects to Robert Frost.
??
Useful information.
??
Much embarrassment, sadness, and wasted time, but also much learning....
??
And mine...
Almost always the same: Trust my instincts.
??
Being at a party today with wild, tattooed, pierced, young people, most of them at least 30 years younger than I, and not feeling completely out-of-place. Finding someone who looked like she felt worse than I, and having a great conversation with her.
??
I will probably never know the full impact, but I know for sure that my gas can clear a dance floor in about 3 minutes.
??
j, you always ask the most timely questions. just telling my friend over dinner tonight that i'm finding myself surrounded by a sea of people that i see often but with whom i do not have a true connection, or have issues with. and i'm spending less time with the people that are truly my homies. i'm changing the filter on my social butterfly ways. authentic interactions, true friendships. life is too short for anything else.
??
Pain, remorse, shame, mayhem, confusion, and stupid laughter.
??
that I don't trust myself in social situations....I overcompensate to be a "good boy" and don't have a good time. The older I get, the more a life of a hermit looks good...
??
Two divorces ...
??
No one will dance with me?
I have innumerable career missteps, but I can't think of any significant social missteps. I was from a family of very modest means (ok, overt poverty) and grew up in rural America. Not many social events to stumble in. As a young adult, I was a drunk and made sure to align myself with "lesser companions" so as to always look more together than my friends. We were pretty much social barbarians so the worse I acted, the better I fit in. As an adult in recovery, I'm simply not that deeply social. I avoid calling undue attention to myself. I taught myself appropriate social behaviors (for dining out, weddings, etc.) and I play nice. I don't drink anymore, so the chances for inadvertent assholishness are minimized.
??
My marriage. Seriously. I once took a date to a party and saw another pretty
girl across the room who smiled at me. I never wanted to meet someone so badly
in my life. She was beautiful. I told the young woman I was with that I didn't
feel well and suggested I take her home, which I did. I then hightailed it back
to the party to meet the other girl. My date, of course, heard about my social
misdeed, and sent me a letter that made me feel like a total jerk, which I
admit I was. On the other hand, I ended up marrying that pretty girl I went
back to meet, and we've been together now for 29 years.
??
I calculate what I say before I say it. I take more time to analyze what I'm doing and what it means. Perception can be very damaging.. or very rewarding. When I forget to think before I speak/act (and it still happens here and there) it's painfully obvious.
??
I'm SURE that there is at least one ex out there who thinks I'm crazy. bitchy, and confused. The problem is that he's right! When I was dating him it was probably the lowest time of my life and I had NO BUSINESS dating anyone. But I wanted the company and the sex so I did, and proceeded to act crazy! Other than that, I think I've done a decent job of straightening out any other faux pas I may have made.....I hope!
??
lots of shame : ( and ongoing comments from others about "that night"
??
learning and growth. and less CAREFUL steps.
??
Red faced embarrassment all around
??
they usually lead to varying degrees of alienation....hell i'm still trying to figure out what's in my blind spot....
??
sually consequences involving a series of apologies and guilt from my part. (Humility is one word and the short version) Also, opportunity to learn or evaluate what about the misstep is fear based. In every mistake is an opportunity to see another perception and grow from one's limitations. Yet, did I make a fool out of myself by simply not agreeing with the party? or did I hurt some one? If I hurt some one then I know I hurt myself. If I decided to have a voice against the odds because I felt in my heart the opportunity was alive for an alternative perspective....then this is not a social misstep, it is debate and democracy. Esoteric and eccentric people who misstep some boundaries of society have their place at times in spiritual utilities. There is the misstep that happens when one walks into a room wearing the "wrong" apparatus for the situation. That is laughable. The misstep that involves mistakenly stepping on another's toe with a sordid comment or rude manner...well this is the sort of thing that each person has the opportunity to take responsibility for.
??
If I'm conscious, I learn some valuable lessons (primarily about how to be a better person). If I'm not conscious, the lesson repeats itself, usually with more dire consequences. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I do and how my actions impact others, but I haven't reached perfection. It's a process.
??
alignment of life back to life such that social is further noted to be gracious and cool and missteps become family get togethers. back in the 1313 style of 'who's gonna win this one?'
two for six eight, who do we appreciate?
xavier, xavier, and muk!
whatever, Eve. i'll see you back at the shower stall.
satan, simmer down. the devil just needs some space. it's not about you and him. it's about me you and him.
Jesus, can we trust that mr. jones won't react?
and who's this Biden character? a mccain?
10,280, bitches. save what?
also, saint mike gets noted as the last travelling sky show.
and seabuscuit blue angels the sky above the alcatraz triangle.
are you guys going or staying?
??
Well, I was going to say, a life that has left me at odds with society and somewhat of a renegade despite my substantial turnarounds in disposition and questionable activities. But then I think that certain opportunities were never really a choice for me and that even if I had pursued a more "social" path I would have the same doubts and uncertainties that I have now. When everything washes out, I am probably the person I would have been no matter which direction I went or which path I chose. All due respects to Robert Frost.
??
Useful information.
??
Much embarrassment, sadness, and wasted time, but also much learning....
??
And mine...
Almost always the same: Trust my instincts.
What's in your blind spot? (5/18/09)
only this exact precise present moment which is real and unknowable. everything else is an illusion, except maybe divine things I also can't know.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."
Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
??
Usually a man with green eyes.......
??
Puppies and kittens.
??
The intersection of money and love.
??
I'm not so sure. That's why I'm in analysis.
??
The cops who pull me over..
??
My arrogance.
??
What isn't in my blind spot?
??
what blindspot ;-) ?
the things i am not ready to look at yet.
??
Oh, man. I usually push my boyfriend's immaturity into my blind spot.. it's the only way I can keep going.
??
wouldn't YOU want to know! HA!
??
I don't know! That's why it's called a BLIND spot. I can't see it.
??
Death is my blind spot. It blinds me with its totality, its finality and its universality.
??
I don't know, dearie. I can't see there.
??
everything I can't see
??
Obviously it's the big surprise that I haven't seen coming.
??
Ignorance and hatred along with intolerance.
??
Whenever and wherever I try to understand what a woman is thinking.
??
And mine...
How the manifestations of my fear of people affects them.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."
Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
??
Usually a man with green eyes.......
??
Puppies and kittens.
??
The intersection of money and love.
??
I'm not so sure. That's why I'm in analysis.
??
The cops who pull me over..
??
My arrogance.
??
What isn't in my blind spot?
??
what blindspot ;-) ?
the things i am not ready to look at yet.
??
Oh, man. I usually push my boyfriend's immaturity into my blind spot.. it's the only way I can keep going.
??
wouldn't YOU want to know! HA!
??
I don't know! That's why it's called a BLIND spot. I can't see it.
??
Death is my blind spot. It blinds me with its totality, its finality and its universality.
??
I don't know, dearie. I can't see there.
??
everything I can't see
??
Obviously it's the big surprise that I haven't seen coming.
??
Ignorance and hatred along with intolerance.
??
Whenever and wherever I try to understand what a woman is thinking.
??
And mine...
How the manifestations of my fear of people affects them.
Are you being watched? Are you being loved? Are you being kind? (5/11/09)
I am. My 12 year old son is very affectionate and nudges his way under my arm, and my 2 year old daughter melts into my embrace. And my wife and I take the time to talk and kiss and communicate and support each other. Married-Parenting love isn't always the most romantic love, but it's often the love of your best, most generous self.
??
Totally.
??
It is a risk to let myself be loved. It is a risk I want to take more often.
My heart is hungry for it.
??
only when i'm awake, or dreaming sometimes.
??
Kind nice isn't surely kind heart. Kind soul may only reach kind shallow. Kind kick in the ass and kind kiss the raw animal belly of bliss yearn beyond the tepid servility of expectation.
??
All the time! By my family mostly, but also by a handful of friends and a group of strangers. And with my finely tuned spam blockers, I also receive random love from Internet strangers in the form of things like this: http://www.pixelcase.com.au/vr/2009/newyork/
??
Yes.......at the moment, I do not have romantic love in my life, but I see how my higher power has compensated by lifting the veil over my eyes and showing me the wonderful friends and family that love me...
??
yes
??
If you've never owned and loved a dog ... you really have not experienced love. I am loved.
??
Of course
??
My consumer habits are being tracked and my internet searches recorded so that the ads that pop up are dialed in to my interests. The speed and red light cameras don't catch me anymore, but the Metro video surveillance does. The grocery store "bonus card" gives marketers intimate insight into my demographic. They know what brand of tampons I buy and my secret Oreo addiction. When I swipe my bank card in Canaan Valley, WV, someone knows we're gone for the weekend...again. They know, too, that we haven't gone out since the end of ski season. Amazon knows my grandbabies live in Connecticut now. Huffington Post published a list political contributors in 2004, so so anyone doing a Google search for my name (not that I'm not an egomaniac, but I do so regularly because I am a consultant in a visible field) knows I supported Kerry. What they don't know why or how (not) enthusiastically I supported him.
I'm being watched, but not understood. With as much data there are out there about me, I feel remarkably (and sadly) invisible. No one watches ME, they watch my money.
??
Despite feelings to the contrary sometimes, I'd wager "yes, very much."
??
I'm a supervisor. My subordinates watch me constantly. Every single move I make, every action, every word I speak, every interaction I have with customers and associates. They're like little video recorders, they tape it all.
??
all the time, if i'm open to it.
??
All the time!
??
Yes
??
On my way to work this morning, I walked down to the lobby and looked up at the video cameras pointed at the front doors. I walked up to the corner to turn towards the train and a video camera in the alley behind me recorded my movements. Schoolchildren along the next block had stopped in two different places and were absorbed over their cellphones. Two of them were holding their phones straight up in front of their faces. They could have been snapping photographs of me or perhaps watching my movement with video. Various other alleys also had video cameras trained to scrutinize the passers-by. I walked into the train station and counted four upside down globes of video cameras by the time I entered through the turnstiles. There are two more globes on the platform, as well as two other cameras ostensibly trained for the conductor to watch on monitors in the middle of the station to see around the curve at the end and not close the doors on customers.
I changed to another train at a station which we know is on the radar screen of terrorists from Asia and the Mideast since a incident in the 1990's when a cadre was caught with bombs filled with nails which they were days away from igniting in this station. There are cameras galore. There are also cops, plainclothed and in uniform everywhere.
On the train, there are no official cameras, but there are more cellphones. I have surreptitiously taken film of other passengers myself when they were not watching. When I changed trains again, there were many more official cameras. At my destination station, more official cameras were everywhere. I walked the two blocks to my office building and went by the cameras in the courtyard, the lobby, the elevator and on my floor and then walked into my office. My manager was sitting at my computer looking through the work I had been doing.
I am being watched. You are being watched. We are being watched. And I am far more under the radar than you are.
??
I'm probably not interesting enough...
??
I hope so. It turns me on.
??
yes.
??
All day, every day, even if most of the time it's from someone who's no longer here - my Mom. Love and miss you, Mom!
??
Some times and other times it's all the ego
??
I am often told that I am. I guess that infers something.
??
not anymore. she is not the cyber stalking type....
??
Aren't we all, by someone? I don't believe in God, so that's not what I mean.
??
Constantly!!! (That's the money you could be saving with G-----!)
??
I wish.
??
Sometimes I think I'm being too kind. Compassion can be draining when it's practiced on an unlimited basis....
??
And mine...
Most of the time.
??
Totally.
??
It is a risk to let myself be loved. It is a risk I want to take more often.
My heart is hungry for it.
??
only when i'm awake, or dreaming sometimes.
??
Kind nice isn't surely kind heart. Kind soul may only reach kind shallow. Kind kick in the ass and kind kiss the raw animal belly of bliss yearn beyond the tepid servility of expectation.
??
All the time! By my family mostly, but also by a handful of friends and a group of strangers. And with my finely tuned spam blockers, I also receive random love from Internet strangers in the form of things like this: http://www.pixelcase.com.au/vr/2009/newyork/
??
Yes.......at the moment, I do not have romantic love in my life, but I see how my higher power has compensated by lifting the veil over my eyes and showing me the wonderful friends and family that love me...
??
yes
??
If you've never owned and loved a dog ... you really have not experienced love. I am loved.
??
Of course
??
My consumer habits are being tracked and my internet searches recorded so that the ads that pop up are dialed in to my interests. The speed and red light cameras don't catch me anymore, but the Metro video surveillance does. The grocery store "bonus card" gives marketers intimate insight into my demographic. They know what brand of tampons I buy and my secret Oreo addiction. When I swipe my bank card in Canaan Valley, WV, someone knows we're gone for the weekend...again. They know, too, that we haven't gone out since the end of ski season. Amazon knows my grandbabies live in Connecticut now. Huffington Post published a list political contributors in 2004, so so anyone doing a Google search for my name (not that I'm not an egomaniac, but I do so regularly because I am a consultant in a visible field) knows I supported Kerry. What they don't know why or how (not) enthusiastically I supported him.
I'm being watched, but not understood. With as much data there are out there about me, I feel remarkably (and sadly) invisible. No one watches ME, they watch my money.
??
Despite feelings to the contrary sometimes, I'd wager "yes, very much."
??
I'm a supervisor. My subordinates watch me constantly. Every single move I make, every action, every word I speak, every interaction I have with customers and associates. They're like little video recorders, they tape it all.
??
all the time, if i'm open to it.
??
All the time!
??
Yes
??
On my way to work this morning, I walked down to the lobby and looked up at the video cameras pointed at the front doors. I walked up to the corner to turn towards the train and a video camera in the alley behind me recorded my movements. Schoolchildren along the next block had stopped in two different places and were absorbed over their cellphones. Two of them were holding their phones straight up in front of their faces. They could have been snapping photographs of me or perhaps watching my movement with video. Various other alleys also had video cameras trained to scrutinize the passers-by. I walked into the train station and counted four upside down globes of video cameras by the time I entered through the turnstiles. There are two more globes on the platform, as well as two other cameras ostensibly trained for the conductor to watch on monitors in the middle of the station to see around the curve at the end and not close the doors on customers.
I changed to another train at a station which we know is on the radar screen of terrorists from Asia and the Mideast since a incident in the 1990's when a cadre was caught with bombs filled with nails which they were days away from igniting in this station. There are cameras galore. There are also cops, plainclothed and in uniform everywhere.
On the train, there are no official cameras, but there are more cellphones. I have surreptitiously taken film of other passengers myself when they were not watching. When I changed trains again, there were many more official cameras. At my destination station, more official cameras were everywhere. I walked the two blocks to my office building and went by the cameras in the courtyard, the lobby, the elevator and on my floor and then walked into my office. My manager was sitting at my computer looking through the work I had been doing.
I am being watched. You are being watched. We are being watched. And I am far more under the radar than you are.
??
I'm probably not interesting enough...
??
I hope so. It turns me on.
??
yes.
??
All day, every day, even if most of the time it's from someone who's no longer here - my Mom. Love and miss you, Mom!
??
Some times and other times it's all the ego
??
I am often told that I am. I guess that infers something.
??
not anymore. she is not the cyber stalking type....
??
Aren't we all, by someone? I don't believe in God, so that's not what I mean.
??
Constantly!!! (That's the money you could be saving with G-----!)
??
I wish.
??
Sometimes I think I'm being too kind. Compassion can be draining when it's practiced on an unlimited basis....
??
And mine...
Most of the time.
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